======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Two years ago while stuck in a vacation-less summer, I wrote an incredibly bitter piece about how jealous I was of teachers’ Snapchat stories during their summer vacations. Sure, the piece was framed as “I regret not becoming a teacher,” but really all I meant was that I was remarkably envious.
Before you jump down my throat, yes, I’m aware that teachers deserve every ounce of vacation they get. They deserve more than that, really. But in the summer of 2018, I’ve come to realize that it’s not just teachers who make my insides boil during the summer. No, I’m a big Scrooge when it comes to just about anyone who’s relaxing on a beach somewhere while I stare at a spreadsheet.
You might be thinking “Wow, what a shallow angry person who can’t simply respect the joy of others,” and you know what, you’re completely right. Call me Silky Johnson because when you’re on vacation I hate you, I don’t even know you, and I hate your guts.
It’s not my fault, you know? When I lean back in my chair after exiting a grueling conference call or grind out my seventh report of that morning before I start to scroll Instagram, it’s impossible for that jealousy not to bubble to the surface. I’m sitting there sipping some coffee that’s gone cold while watching an Instagram story from my buddy who just teed off at Bandon Dunes.
Wow, that view of the ocean from under your beach umbrella accompanied with the cold beer you’re boomeranging to and the #CoastLife on your story sure looks cool, but you can kick rocks from my POV. Sure, maybe you saved like a proper adult and have put in blood, sweat, and tears at your job to be able to hit up the beach with your family. Doesn’t make that bitter pill any easier for me to swallow.
Golf trip, beach trip, lavish European vacation; doesn’t matter. If you trip, I hate on it. It’s mid-July and I still haven’t been able to set aside my personal displeasure every time I watch someone film a selfie-vid on a zip-line while I zip up my fly after my third trip that morning to the office bathroom.
The problem isn’t so much that you’re all crushing the hell out of your vaca time. Almost anyone who’s leisurely throwing back cocktails on a Mexican beach has put in the effort needed to make something majestic like that happen. By all means, you deserve that chill sesh — we all do at some point. It’s just that vacation aesthetic you’re putting out on your social media makes me feel like I’m watching the most popular boy in school ask my dream date to the prom. That dream date in this case just happens to be three to seven days of PTO and consistent alcohol consumption at minimum 200 miles from my workspace.
Sure, I could delete Instagram and Snapchat off my phone, but that’d require more rationality and respect for my own mental health than I currently care to have. Yeah, sitting at my desk and being perfectly content with my life and all the blessings bestowed upon it seems great, but not as great as silently scoffing with spite over that meal from a five-star Italian restaurant a friend from high school just threw up on the ‘gram.
Back in a simpler time, like the 90s, I wouldn’t have to out myself as such a curmudgeon. Vacation ‘grams weren’t a thing. No one was checking out their friend sipping his second marg of the morning while waiting for their coffee to finish brewing in the break room. Maybe someone else was living large in a lake house down at Lake LBJ, but that shit wasn’t stalking you like the Zodiac every time you picked up your phone.
When Jan from the office would come back with a sunburn and some lighter hair after a week on the beach, you’d hear about it from her. Maybe look at a Polaroid or whatever people did back then, and that’d be that. Anyone could feel an admitted pang of envy, but nothing to boil over the surface.
Now when Jan comes back, you don’t have to speak to her to know that her and the fam absolutely wrecked shop at that resort south of the border. A little sunburn, huh, Jan? Was that from visiting those sweet Mayan ruins on your Snap story that we saw? Or maybe that sweet sailing charter you took to go snorkeling? Either way, your happiness and refresh time has left me feeling like Anakin Skywalker seething on Mustafar as Obi-Wan emerges from Padme’s ship.
No pride, joy, or pleasure comes from laying this all out. I just feel feelings, guys. And one of them is just pure rotten jealousy. But by all means, enjoy your poolside cocktails, and especially enjoy letting your emails go unread between sending calls to voicemail. You’ve earned it, and I absolutely hate it.
Also, make sure to check out my Instagram during my October golf trip, shit is gonna be lit. .
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Playa Haters Ball is a top 5 Chappelles Show sketch
Man I miss the hell out of that show
His Netflix stand up series only left me wanting a revival.
True except for people were outraged by his standup, imagine the show. I’m pretty sure he’d be crucified if he did blind black KKK member skit in 2018
This comment may take some hate, but that’s what social media does. Everyone brags about everything good and that’s all we see, so this is a natural response that we’ve all felt at one point or another, and will continue to feel.
Imagine a social media platform where you share how terrible your day, job, etc. are? Little Miss Perfect Fit Tea Model has a fun/sexy Insta story but I bet her ShitBook posts about her dad hating her and eating ice cubes for dinner isn’t all that geat
Those are the snaps you only send/receive with good friends
That’s what I’m here for. I love you all lol
Checking in from the pool on Kiawah Island. He hate me.
What really gets me is why folks are so concerned with posting on social media while they should be going off the grid and relaxing. Except for one post to start the trip, obviously.
Agreed. I’m going to Maui on Saturday and when I leave the hotel room and go to the pool or beach, the only technology I’m bringing with me is my Apple Watch in case of notifications. Otherwise, it’ll just be me, a good book and a gallon of sunscreen.
Any vacation book recommendations? We’re heading out for vacation in a few weeks and I just finished one
If you haven’t read it yet, I would recommend The Art of War. A lot of it is still relevant to the modern day and is interesting to think about in terms of strategy.
If you want some interesting essays about the state fair, television, tennis and rural living, I would also recommend David Foster Wallace’s A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again.
What kind of books do you like? I’ve been on nonfiction kick lately and have a few current events/politics books in my queue, but I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
I’ll take your recs as well. I pretty much only do nonfiction and self improvement (jocko, Jordan Peterson, etc).
I’m currently about halfway done with Coming Apart by Charles Murray, which I started reading after devouring Hillbilly Elegy. It’s a pretty thick read so having a rested vacation mind will be good to fully grasp everything in there. If I finish that, I might start Suicide of the West by Jonah Goldberg.
A good non-fiction I read last year was Killers of the Flower Moon by David Grann. Its about the Osage Indian murders in the 1920’s in Osage County, OK, north east of Tulsa. These murders make for the first high profile murder investigation by the FBI and helps establish the FBI as a national law enforcement entity.
I like to mix it up. I was on Game of Thrones (overrated) and just finished a golf history book so I’ll take any and all recommendations
I just finished The Beast in the Garden. Tells story of the city of Boulder refusing to do anything about the growing mountain lion population and the resulting consequesnes.
The Big Rich tells the history of oil in Texas.
A buddy of my recommended Travels with Charley by Steinbeck.
– Steinbeck road trips across the country with his dog to “get back to his roots”.
Cannot recommend the big rich enough. A great book on the rise and fall of Texas Oilmen
Name checks out. I’m always interested in a good oil book for some reason. Started reading “The Prize” but it’s super dense and will probably take me about 7 years to finish.
@frack check out Kings of Texas. Tells the story of Richard King (King Ranch) and how he built his empire.
Have you read Tom Lea’s The King Ranch? is it similair
I have not so I can’t compare
19th, if you’re into historical fiction, I highly recommend Fatherland by Robert Harris. I read it after reading The Man in the High Castle, which I thought was very underwhelming. Also Stephen King’s 11/22/63 was great.
Just finished Pete Dye- Bury Me In A Pot Bunker. I recommend it
Cracking the Code by Paul Azinger
I predict Grant is going to reward his old man’s patience with some epic fun times in the future, I feel the same will happen to the artist formerly known as Crash Davis
There is nothing worse than seeing that one friend on insta whose in a exotic new location every other weekend and claims to “work remotely”. I’m low-key just incredibly jealous but… it’s still annoying.
Hard to tell if you are referring to Jan from the American television classic, “The Office” or just Jan from the office.
I get it. But I like doing anything more than actually working. Even if its the Monday after a baller weekend get-away, I’m still going to be jealous and a bit envious when I see someone’s snap of their feet in an airplane seat with some clever beach caption.
People think being a flight attendant is all traveling the world and chillin on beaches and I’m over here like “someone pooped in the plane again”
But also I was at the beach yesterday so yeah.
Wow, what a shallow angry person who can’t simply respect the joy of others.
sat·ire
ˈsaˌtī(ə)r
noun
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
It’s a quote from the article nimrod.
This is what I get for skimming over some paragraphs.