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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (and again and again): I want to be a hot girl. I know that’s a very vain, pathetic, embarrassing thing to admit, but whatever. I think if we all looked deep down, underneath our hopes for a world without mental illness and where carbs are healthy, you’d realize you probably want to be a hottie too. Or maybe I’m just a dick. Whatever.
The point is, I secretly long to be a hot girl, but I don’t actually want to try. I’ll go to the gym once every decade, then brag about it to anyone who will listen (and most who won’t). I’ll get my skin painted a golden tan color, and I’ll wear two layers of Spanx on any given night out. What can I say? Odds are I’m painfully insecure underneath my layers of highlighted blonde hair and Harry Potter references.
What I’m getting at, is I’m currently in the process of getting my pubes lasered off. I probably could have just said that, but I thrive off of the drama. Speaking of, I’m documenting the whole experience on Instagram, much to the dismay of my parents and loved ones. And so, to all of you voyeurs who want the dirty details about getting zapped down under, let me break it down. (Or you can just watch it on my highlights, ya pervs).
The Cost
It’s not cheap being beautiful. Hell, it’s not cheap even being normal human level of average-looking. Shit is expensive. In total, I plan to spend around $700ish to have an easy, breezy, beautiful beaver. Each session is around $100, and then yearly touchups are $50ish. No, it’s not a teeny investment. But never having to buy razors or have that “oh fuck, I didn’t shave and I’m at the beach/changing in a locker room/about the have sex” moment will be worth it. I think.
The Procedure
Unfortunately for all of our lazy asses, it’s not a one and done kind of thing. I guess it takes time for the lasers to completely blast away the hair follicles or whatever it is that they’re doing. Most people need anywhere between 6-12 sessions to be virtually hair-free, then you have to go back annually for touchups. Annoying, right? Still, the ability to avoid ingrown hairs, shaving every other day to the point of just scraping off your own skin, and that never-ending fear that you’re going to cut off your labia is a draw for most people.
So, how does it work?
Basically, before you get lasered, you shave everywhere that the sun doesn’t shine. Then after having a mini-panic attack in the car and popping more than the recommended amount of ibuprofen, you lay on a table, spread your legs, and let someone dive head-first into your snatch. This is where it gets fun. He or she (depending on your gender), then takes a laser and repeatedly pulses it over the most sensitive areas of your body, asking time and time again if you need a break to scream or cry.
The downside? It doesn’t feel great. The upside? It literally only takes five minutes. If you can endure an entire erectile dysfunction commercial whilst sitting next to your father, you can handle this.
The Pain
I am a bitch with pain. Actually, no. I’m a baby back bitch with pain. I will do everything in my power to avoid any type of physical or emotional discomfort. When I got my my belly button pierced, I asked if I could get local anesthetic.
So, as should be expected, the feeling of getting your most sensitive area blasted with lasers is not, exactly, comfortable. It’s like, taking a rubber band and snapping it on your arm over and over and over and over and over. Except it’s not your arm, it’s the skin around your genitals, and the rubber band is on fire. It’s no afternoon tea, walk in the park, or any other calming clichés. Still, it’s not as bad as, say, getting an IUD (all of you boys can relate, amiright?) or seeing that your ex is now dating the person they told you not to worry about it. It’s painful, but you’ll make it out — a little more tender and raw, but a better person all-in-all.
Ultimately, it comes down to this: I will continue to get my vaginal hairs lasered off, and I will continue to document the experience on social media. Because if I can’t be a hot girl who sells teatoxes on Instagram, the least I can do is show the world mindfully shot videos of myself getting my pubes burned off by a stranger. Surely it’s what the app was made for..
To watch my first two awkward sessions of laser hair removal, click here.
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Will you be donating to Locks for Love?
That deserves a written out, well done.
Nice work*
Damnit..
Glad you’re alive
Rachel Varina or Rachel’s Vagina amirite
*reads title*
*insert surprised white guy reaction gif here*
Just here for the Sups
I’m so glad you posted this I’ve been thinking about it! Do you get swollen or irritated after? Once it starts growing back do you then schedule your next appt? Are you smooth or does it feel kinda stubbley? I heard that what’s left of your hair will just fall out of the follicle is that weird or not really noticeable? Sorry for all the questions but I’m trying to take advantage.
You need to do it that’s all I can say. After the last article/interview with the author’s gf I thought fuck it I’m going. Turns out this shit is the real deal. I am a different person already and I’ve only gone once. As the hairs start to grow back they just fall out. Maybe I responded so well because I’ve been waxing forever and that’s maybe given me weaker follicles? Unsure of the science behind laser hair removal but honestly it’s more magic than science IMO. You will not regret it. Minimal, fleeting irritation, then bam, bald.
Ok you sold me
You shouldn’t have any swelling/irritation. They also give you a special gel afterwards to eliminate that. Sessions are scheduled 6 weeks apart. Your first session will not transform you from a prickly pear to a sleek and smooth dolphin overnight, but you will notice as time goes on that you will have less and less hair growing back in, and at a much slower rate. It’s honestly great, this is one beauty treatment that is for sure worth the money.
“Sleek and smooth dolphin”
Gentlemen, you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.
Leave a landing strip, plz
I honestly don’t understand why guys are into that. Also that’s probably way more possible with waxing than laser.
At your consultation they will tell you that you can leave as much or little hair as you want. You shave what you want gone, so if you want the strip you can do it, or you can get rid of everything! As for your other questions the skin is smoother than shaving and waxing, and your hair grows back lighter and finer until it is gone. So recommend it.
A landing strip? What is this, 1987?
I’m all aboard your take-train Kimber, landing strips go hard
God bless you RV, and God bless America
I had a consultation after your last article and they quoted me at almost 7k for 12 sessions and a lifetime warranty. How in the world are you getting lasered for $100 / session, share your secrets!?
Saw lifetime warranty and immediately pictured used car salesman trying to laser off pubes.
You see, you can’t go get consultations from places that use lasers manufactured by Raytheon, the government contracts on the raw materials and components are so inflated in price so that all the contract/sub contract/supply chain touch points can make a killer profit margin. They just pass the inflated value down to you, the consumer…..that’s why you gotta find places that only source their laser emitters from China because exploiting another countries labor force is the American way. You can usually find these places in Chinatown, down a back alley lol
Just imagining the laser that Raytheon made to take out drones behind brick walls and pointing that at your pubes
Groupon probably. No shade. There are deals all over Groupon for laser.
Try and find a place that offers a membership! I pay a monthly membership fee and it’s significantly cheaper than buying a package. Or check groupon, they always have offers for laser on there, especially this time of year.
If I remember correctly she lives in Chicago, so I am gonna need the name of that salon for sure!
I had my first Brazilian wax today. Can anyone tell me if laser is more or less painful?
Personally I think it is way less painful and the results are so much better long term. Can also say as you lose the hair it gets so much less painful, whiles waxes don’t work that way.
All I have to say is that from a guys standpoint.. when a girl gets laser hair removal down there it’s an absolute game changer. Had to wait a day after her appointments to have fun because she said it burned but worth it I think.
Yikes! Darlings, in-office laser treatment is great if one can afford the luxury, but if you are not swimming in money I urge those interested try IPL first! IPL…Intense Pulse(ed) Light…sort of in the laserishesque family…and some people think they are one in the same…Now, I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to sell anything so you’ll note I do not mention any specific brand name.
Backstory: I first heard about IPL from a blurb in a popular women’s fashion magazine many years ago. One company was named as being in the initial early R&D of a hair removal device. As it turned out, this company produced the first home use IPL device…it worked very well and sold for about $900 (IPL 1.0). Well, I waited to see where IPL would go and followed it as best as my resources permitted. Some years later, a second company managed a way around the first company’s patent and brought their IPL unit to market (IPL 2.0). IPL 2.0 had and has a larger treatment surface area than IPL 1.0, which was important to me as I HAD a lot of dark body hair. Since the technology had been battle-tested for over five years by then, so after 6+ years of rotary epilating, I shelled out $600 for home IPL unit 2.0. This was done more years ago than I care to count and I’ll let you have the fun of googling anything you may not already know about IPL, but one thing is keystone: It really only works on dark (brown or black) hair growing on light skin, but IT WORKS PHENOMENALLY WELL!.
Fast forward to now: After faithfully using my IPL unit for the first year I had it I was PERMANENTLY over 70% body-hairless. Over the second year I broke about 90% and now I have been 98%+ PERMANENTLY body-hairLESS (bikini zone included) since some many years ago. I still have my IPL unit and it still works. I have not used it in over five years yet I would not sell it because about once a year I bring it out and hit one or two renegade hairs still spotted rarely among that 2-%.
If you do not have brown or black hair on light skin then you are relegated to have to see what the fancy actual laser tech can do for you, but if you do have said, I urge you to trust me, trust IPL, treat yourself to whatever reputable one covers the most surface area in a ‘shot’ (there are many brands now, but read reviews and do your homework on them. I stopped staying up on them when I no longer had any body hair to see.)
But, since it is only fair that I help in some small way, the brand of mine is four letters that start with a “V”. $600 and 2 years = 98+% PERMANENTLY BODY HAIRLESS!