A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 5 Of “The Bachelorette”

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Alright folks. I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that after this week, we are officially halfway through this bullshit season. The bad news? This episode was so painful to watch that I could barely bring myself to write this recap. Seriously – after seven seasons of Dude’s Breakdown – this one was almost the one that made me throw in the towel. It took two full days, three jumbo margaritas, and a stiff vodka soda to get me to the point where I can even deal with this awful episode. This week, Becca and her boy toys left their digs in Park City and headed to Las Vegas, and true to Sin City form, not one good thing happened during this episode in this godforsaken city. This week brought us a single one-on-one date, a group date, and this season’s infamous two-on-one date. Let’s break it down:

One-On-One Date With Colton

I’ve seen a lot of stupid dates on Bachelor franchise shows. I’ve gone on a lot of stupid dates on my own time. Just as Snow White was the fairest of them all, this date was the stupidest of them all. Instead of doing literally anything that a normal couple could do in Vegas, it was as if the producers searched to find the worst possible idea for a date, and then somehow make it worse.

Gambling? Too predictable. Spa day? Too expensive. Riding camels in the desert? Apparently – just right. Becca and Colton head out to the middle of the desert and mount some camels. Since ABC believes in feminism, Becca and Colton each get their own camels instead of snuggling up between the humps of a single beast. While this initially seemed progressive, it turns out that these camels hated each other so much they refused to walk within earshot of each other. For most people this wouldn’t be a huge issue, but apparently for Becca and Colton, this was horrifying.

Since they couldn’t carry on an actual conversation, Becca and Colton compromised by simply extending their hands towards one another; their fingertips almost touching on more than one occasion, but never closing that gap. I think it’s an analogy for the all times that Colton almost lost his virginity but never actually got it in. Without using words, it was like they were silently shouting, “I’ll never let you go, Jack!” to one another. Let’s be honest – if I were Jack Dawson and I had the option of going on this date or freezing to death in Davy Jones’ locker, I’d choose an icy death over this shit every day and twice on Sunday.

At the end of their camel ride, Becca and Colton find a hot tub strategically placed in the middle of the desert. I hope they have an alternative plan to get back to where they started, because riding a camel after you’ve been in a hot tub sounds like a perfect recipe for the worst chafing of your life. I don’t think you can come back from that. Becca and Colton giggle and make out like they’re high schoolers experimenting with underwater finger banging for the first time. I didn’t pay attention to the content of their conversation, because frankly I didn’t care. It’s obvious they have crushes on each other – Becca clearly wants to climb him like a tree. I can’t wait for her to find out that his tree has never been climbed before.

After the hot tub, they go to dinner. It’s boring. They make out. Happy music plays. He gets a rose. I lose the will to live. That’s about it.

Mr. Las Vegas Group Date

Remember how I said that Colton and Becca’s date was my worst Bachelor viewing experience? That was true until ABC aired this date. Remember when Becca and Chris went to Capitol Records? This date was essentially a repeat of that bullshit – except swap Richard Marx for Wayne Newton and Capitol Records for Wayne Newton’s house.

A limo brings every dude except for Colton, David, and Jordan to Casa de Shenandoah, which apparently is what Wayne Newton calls his gaudy estate. Mr. Las Vegas himself rides up to greet the crew on horseback, which is an odd choice. My last memory of Wayne Newton was his role in Vegas Vacation, and he looks nearly identical at present day. With that being said, don’t confuse identical for good. He looks terrible. It’s actually terrifying how much work he must have had done over the years, and when coupled with what was surely a very aggressive and very recent Botox extravaganza on his face, he looks like a living version of a Madame Tussaud’s wax sculpture that was briefly left out in the sun and got a little melted.

Wayne sings the intro of Danke Schoën an uncomfortable number of times, and unlike his face, his voice has changed. When he sings, it sounds like he’s spent the last week on a bender chain-smoking Lucky Strikes and gagging on dick. It’s cool when Macy Gray sounds like that, but it’s not a good sound for you, Wayne. He tells the dudes that they’ll be writing and singing their own versions of the song.

I won’t bore you with the details. Again – this was exactly like Chris’s one-on-one date, except instead of just one shitty song, there were like ten of them. It was too much. After spending some time working on their lyrics and rehearsing, Wayne gets the dudes dressed up in tuxes and takes them to his theater to force them to sing in front of Becca and a bunch of middle aged white women.

While most of the dudes were dog-shit terrible, given Chris’s extensive experience with lyrical work, his was only terrible. He was the last to perform and brought down the house; although everyone talked about how awesome his performance was, it still sounded like garbage me to. I know the bar was set pretty low, but still, let’s not reward mediocrity. Given his perceived success, Chris thinks that he has the group date rose in the bag, so instead of making any effort to talk to Becca, he waits for her to approach him. It’s a bold strategy and it totally backfires.

While Chris is telling everyone how great he is, Garrett and Blake suck face with Becca. He is shocked when Becca gives the group date rose to Blake after he professed that he was falling in love with her and has a royal meltdown as they return to their suite, saying he was thinking about going home. His attitude is annoying, and if he wants to leave, I’d be happy to show him the door.

Two-On-One Date with David and Jordan

There are a lot of things that I could say about this date, but I’ll keep it brief. I always look forward to two-on-one dates for their dramatic potential, but true to the theme of this episode, it was a huge let down. David and Jordan have been in constant conflict since the beginning of this season, so it was no surprise that the producers jumped at the chance to continue pitting them against one another.

They arrive to the middle of the desert, where they meet Becca and do some off-roading in a rented Jeep. She drives, so instead of having any meaningful conversation, they spent this portion of the date holding their breath and silently praying that they don’t die. Eventually they arrive at a day bed set up in the middle of the desert and Becca takes the opportunity to speak to each of the guys individually.

Instead of talking about himself, David spends the entirety of his time talking shit about Jordan. He tells Becca that Jordan was ogling the coeds during their time in Vegas, and that he felt like he would be settling if he ended up with Becca at the end of the season. Unsurprisingly, Becca doesn’t react well to this news. She calls Jordan out on what he allegedly said, and he denies it.

Instead of playing games, Becca sits Jordan and David down together to grill them on what was actually said. Both dudes stick to their story, and eventually Becca tires of the bullshit.

“David,” she begins. “I think it’s time for us to part ways. And Jordan, I’m not ready to give you a rose yet, but I do want to spend more time with you.”

With that, Becca and Jordan depart. Neither of them gave David so much as a passing glance, leaving him alone in the desert to cook like a chicken. The two of them go to dinner, and while Becca makes an effort to get to know more about Jordan, he is only capable of talking about his modeling career. I’ll be honest, I love Jordan. He is a fascinating little dipshit, and it truly is remarkable how well he can control the muscles in his face. Becca didn’t share my opinion and decided that as much as she enjoyed this live version of Zoolander, she ultimately didn’t see a future as Mrs. Male Model and sent Jordan packing. I wonder which will be more awkward for David and Jordan – seeing each other in the McCarran airport immediately after this date or the month they’ll be spending together in Paradise?

Cocktail Party

Approximately one interesting thing happened during this cocktail party. At the start, Becca told the camera that she had some questions about Chris and had heard about his little tantrum following this week’s group date. She pulls him aside to talk first, and when he sits down, he takes control of the conversation.

“I think you owe me about fifty thousand kisses after what happened the other night,” Chris informs Becca.

Excuse me? Becca doesn’t owe you shit.

Becca concurs with my assessment and berates him for his attitude, telling him that by not showing any interest in her. He backpedals, not able to respond.

Becca moves on with her life, but Chris isn’t having it. While she’s talking to Wills, Chris tries to interrupt their time.

“Hey bro,” Chris starts. “Can I talk to Becca?”

Wills thinks for a moment. “No,” he responds.

Chris is genuinely shocked. He didn’t get his way? Unfathomable.

“Listen man,” Chris continues. “It’s actually important.”

“Are you trying to say my time isn’t important?” Wills responds.

“Why are you being like this?” Chris asks, his sense of entitlement growing by the second.

Wills finally caves. “You’ve got two minutes,” he tells Chris and slinks off.

Chris gives Becca a half-hearted apology, saying that he had a moment of weakness and hope they can put their relationship back on track. He’s sleazy, and Becca is over it. I’m over it. We’re all over it.

Right on schedule, Wills returns.

“Dude,” Chris tells him. “That was forty seconds.”

“It was two minutes. I have a watch,” Wills answers. “Time for you to go.”

“I need like five more minutes man,” Chris pleads.

“No,” Wills tells him.

Chris looks to Becca for support, who clearly wants him to leave. She shrugs her shoulders. Finally sensing the mood in the room, Chris stops beating the dead horse that is his relationship with Becca and returns to the rest of the dudes, but not before muttering “This is fucking ridiculous,” as he walked about. For once, I agree with Chris. This is fucking ridiculous.

Rose Ceremony

With David and Jordan already gone, everyone except for Venmo John got a rose. Chris received the last rose of the night, and judging by the dead look in Becca’s eyes, I’d wager she was under some pressure from the producers to keep him around so we can see him continue to unravel. Seems like kind of a dick move to make John sit through the cocktail party and Rose Ceremony just to axe him, and only him, in front of his friends. Just like people Venmo’d Becca money for wine after Arie dumped her, I hope John’s friends started using his app to spot him for some prime Vegas hookers and blow after he left.

Vegas was apparently a little bit too exciting, because next week everyone is headed to the illustrious Richmond, Virginia. Try to contain your elation; I know it will be difficult. See you then..

This week’s Touching Base on The Bachelorette was truly incredible. Subscribe on iTunes or listen below.

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Crick Watson MD

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