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Alright, folks. I’m currently writing this from the hospital on the 4th of July, so I hope that all of you are out celebrating America as she was meant to be celebrated – by slamming Bud Heavy, blasting Springsteen, and wearing jorts so short that at any moment or with any sudden movement you could have a Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident with either of your testicles. If you don’t have testicles, disregard.
That being said – let’s take a moment to talk about this episode of The Bachelorette. I said last week that I was disappointed with this season – I stand by that, but contrary to popular belief, I don’t think the shittiness of this season is Becca’s fault. This group of contestants is the biggest gathering of vaginas since the Women’s March. Don’t get me wrong, there are some diamonds in the rough, but I have never seen a cast so petty and self-centered in the six seasons I’ve watched this shit. At this point, Becca is just playing the hand she’s been dealt; holding all her cards close to her chest while still managing to extend a middle finger towards the producers. This week, Becca and her remaining suitors traveled to the illustrious Richmond, Virginia to continue their quest for
short-lived fame true love. This week brought us two one-on-one dates and a group date. Let’s break it down.
One-On-One Date with Jason
After six weeks of carefully greasing his hair, Becca finally rewards Jason with a one-on-one date. Their first stop is St. John’s Church, where Patrick Henry gave his “Give me liberty or give me death” speech back in the day. Cool tidbit, Becca, but if I gave a shit about any of that I wouldn’t have dropped my history major sophomore year so I could focus more on
drinking getting into medical school. Give me an entertaining date or kill me, please.
After proving that neither of them spontaneously combusted upon entering a house of God, Becca and Jason go to a donut shop and shoved baked goods in each other faces. It’s not the most interesting to watch, but damn if I’m not jealous of that giant pastry. From there, they traipse over to an Edgar Allen Poe museum; I’m a big Poe fan, but his writing is a total boner killer. Everyone dies at the end, usually by suffocating after being buried alive. Unless you’re into necrophilia, it’s probably not the ideal date. If you are into necrophilia, please seek professional help. Becca and Jason round out their time at the museum with a bunch of frumpy goths and incels at the museum’s “Unhappy Hour,” where Poe enthusiasts gather to drink and bask in their collective misery. It’s like Comic-Con, except the participants are less attractive and there are more virgins. Where was Colton’s invitation? Maybe it got lost in the mail. Maybe it was supposed to be delivered by a raven that was waylaid. In that case, and least something in this weird cult is getting laid.
Becca and Jason’s final stop on the daytime portion of their date was a rather nondescript bar. At first it seems like the production budget has hit an all-time low; however, it turns out that ABC flew three of Jason’s friends to Richmond to hang out with him and meet Becca. When Jason sees his boys he nearly cries, probably because he’s about to kill himself after being surrounded with no one but his fuckstick castmates for the last month and a half. His friends seem like normal generic white dudes, and Becca totally digs it.
“Our friends would likely totally get along!” she remarks. It’s a valid sentiment. If your friends don’t get along, your wedding reception will be shitty, and no one wants a shitty wedding reception.
Per Bachelor edict, the evening progresses to dinner, where Jason talks about how his grandmother had Alzheimer’s disease and forgot everyone in his family, and Becca talks about her dad dying from cancer. It was super depressing, but apparently Wedding Crashers was correct in that grief is the best aphrodisiac.
“I feel like my feelings for Jason grew exponentially today,” Becca says. Is that the “look up new words in the thesaurus” version of the Grinch’s heart growing three sizes? He gets a rose and they make out. God bless Virginia. God bless America.
Worst Group Date Ever Beccalection Group Date
This week’s group date is for Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris and is yet again a huge waste of time. For some reason, the Virginia tourism department is all in on hosting ABC, so much so that the main event of this date is a mock debate on the stairs of the Virginia statehouse with the governor in attendance. Seriously? The damn governor? Doesn’t he have something better to be doing? Literally – anything he could be doing would be more productive than this shit.
To be honest, I’m not sure what this debate was designed to accomplish. The crowd and commentators toss a few questions to the dudes – but instead of airing any answers, all we see is Lincoln and Chris talk shit about each other and then everyone else in the house in front of this crowd of strangers plus the governor of Virginia. It’s super uncomfortable. Becca is pissed. The dudes are pissed. I am pissed.
The group progresses to the evening’s cocktail party. First, Becca talks with Lincoln. He spends most of the time talking mad shit about Chris, telling Becca that he’s volatile and that everyone is the house is afraid of him. He’s not wrong. Chris gets the next conversation, where he plays up the role of martyr so well I’m shocked that Jimmy Kimmel isn’t waiting just off screen to present him with an Oscar for “Best Load of Bullshit from an Asshole Who Doesn’t Fucking Matter.”
These conversations throw Becca into such a pissy mood that she has to take a breather before she goes about her evening making out with all the dudes she’s actually into. The highlight of the evening (other than the cosplaying George Washington and Abraham Lincoln) was watching the other dudes every time Chris and Lincoln bitch at each other – its like they’re being tortured. Probably because watching these two asshats bicker is torture. After wasting thirty minutes of my life, Becca gives Colton a dry OTPHJ and the group date rose. Huzzah.
One-On-One Date with
If Leo didn’t have such distinctive hair that occupies 37.5% of my television each time he’s on screen, I would have forgotten he existed. My guess is Becca feels the same way. While Leo is excited for his first one-on-one date, Becca starts things off on an awkward note.
“Hey, so last night was shitty and I’m pissed and I’m probably going to take it out on you and send you home at the end of this because I can’t separate my emotions well,” she tells him as they board a small charter plane.
“That’s chill I guess,” Leo says. “Maybe we could, like, talk or something and you could keep me around since it’s not fair for me to pay the price for a few other dudes and their
tiny dicks poor choices and bad behavior.”
“Let’s just take it one step at a time,” Becca replies.
Their plane takes off and their fly over some nice houses in Virginia.
“Wow, I’d like to live in a house like that,” Becca comments. It’s a six bedroom colonial, Becca. Most people would like to live there. Eventually they land, get in a boat, and go hunting for some oysters, which they shuck and eat immediately. Becca swallows the oyster like a champ and Leo’s eyes light up since now he has a few ideas for later and even more motivation to not go home.
Thankfully for Leo, being a normal human paid off. After a very forgettable dinner, Becca decides he’s worth keeping around and gives him a rose. After waiting so long for a date, he is rewarded with the ultimate one-on-one date/post rose reward – the concert with unknown artist prize. They dance and make out in front of a crowd before returning to their suites.
When Leo returns to the other dudes, Chris loses his mind that Leo didn’t get sent home. This dude has serious fucking issues. The camera cuts away to Chris writing in his diary; it’s like he’s pretending to be me after a bad day at work or something. Chris decides to sneak over to Becca’s suite and chat with her. He starts the conversation off on a flirty note, which quickly turns to a defensive stance as he tells her every dude left on the show is lying about his sociopathic tendencies.
“We’re the real deal, baby,” Chris comments, going in for a kiss.
“Okay,” Becca says, pulling back. “Listen, we had one good date, but everything you’ve done since then is so unattractive. I kind of find you repulsive now. Seriously, it’s like the Sahara Desert downstairs whenever you open your mouth.”
“But baby,” Chris replies, “We can get back on track.”
“Nope,” she responds. “There is no track. This train has derailed in a fiery explosion. There is nothing left. There is one survivor, and it is me. We are leaving your corpse in the wreckage.”
“Listen…” Chris says, yet again.
“Nope,” Becca reiterates. “This is it for us. I can walk you out.”
“Nah,” Chris says, deflecting her offer. “I’m good. I’m gonna punch like three walls on the way out, and if you’re within arm’s reach, number four might land on your face.”
With that, Chris departs. Bye Felicia.
There was only thirteen minutes left in the episode, so Becca cancelled this week’s cocktail party so we didn’t have to push the Rose Ceremony until next week. Plus, it’s pretty obvious who is staying and who is on the next flight home.
Jason, Colton, and Leo already have roses. The remaining three go to:
– Garrett – I don’t read spoilers, but I have a feeling Garrett is getting the final rose
– Blake – Despite what I just said, I’m personally Team Blake
– Wills – Seems awesome, so it’s sad that he’s almost assuredly going home next week
This means that in addition to Chris, we’ll be saying goodbye to Connor and Lincoln. Never fear – ABC already announced that Chris and Connor are joining the cast of Bachelor of Paradise. Lincoln won’t be there since he probably isn’t allowed to leave the country, since you know, he’s a sex offender.
Next week we’ll head to The Bahamas, where Becca will have to make the excruciating decision of which four families she’ll meet before taking their sons to Pound Town during Fantasy Suite Dates. See you then. .