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Hit play on our weekly recap podcast courtesy of Touching Base. Also available on iTunes.
Alright, folks. Your boy has had a rough few days at work, so you know what I’m gonna do? Take it out on Bachelorette contestants. Buckle up for some catharsis. I know it’s annoying AF to wait all week to read this, but I promise that I’m doing the best that I can. If you want me to stop and STFU, by all means, let me know. I could use a good night of sleep, considering I spent two nights this week at the hospital. This week Becca and the six dudes auditioning her to be TV husband finally got a break as ABC sent them to The Bahamas to film this week’s three one-on-one dates and single three-on-one date.
One-On-One Date with
A Virgin Who Can’t Drive Colton
This week’s first one-on-one date goes to Colton, and he’s both excited and nervous. It’s like he’s an 18 year old girl on prom night.
“I can’t wait to see Becca,” he tells the camera. “It’s just that there’s, like, a lot of pressure around tonight, you know? I just want everything to be perfect and memorable and really special for the two of us!”
Becca must feel the same way, because she gives Colton this week’s yacht date. As they sip champagne and cuddle on the bow, Colton summons his courage to tell Becca that he is as pure as the driven snow when it comes to doing the dirty. Just as he leans in to whisper those three magic words (“I’m a virgin,” not “I love you”), a loud sound interrupts his confession.
Becca and Colton walk to the side of the yacht, where they see what looks like a floating trailer that has been artfully spray painted with a Bahamian man waving wildly at them. He jumps off his boat and boards their yacht, coming up the side wearing a cut up white outfit that looks like he came straight from rolling at Coachella.
“HELLO BECCA! HELLO COLTON!” the man bellows once aboard. “MY NAME IS ACTION AND I AM HERE TO HELP YOU HUNT FOR CONCH!”
“What do you think I’ve been hunting for this entire time?” Becca asks him, thinking he said cock instead of conch.
“EVERYONE IN THE WATER!” Action shots. “ITS CONCH TIME!”
“Finally,” Becca replies, shooting a seductive glance at Colton.
Colton gulps. “Fuck me,” he whispers. “Except don’t actually.”
The next ten minutes are devoted to conch diving and jokes about conch sounding like cock, and it’s fucking hysterical. Highlights include, but are not limited to the following statements.
From Becca –
“Quick, give me your conch, Colton!”
“I love it when the conch is deep!”
“Look at that giant conch!”
From Colton –
“I don’t know what to do with this conch”
“I’ve never given anyone conch before”
I mean the segment practically writes itself, and I’m honestly surprised The Bachelorette didn’t snag an Emmy nod for this segment alone. Eventually Becca and Colton tire of the conch jokes and head to dinner.
After all day with conch on the brain, Colton finally blurts out “I’M A VIRGIN” at a very inopportune moment during dinner. Now there are a lot of ways the producers could have edited this, but I think they aired Becca’s actual reaction.
“Wait…” she says,
conching cocking her head slightly. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, it’s just never happened for me,” he tells her.
“I need a second,” Becca replies as she stands up to leave the table, presumably to find a bathroom to either laugh hysterically, weep profusely, or masturbate maniacally in. Eventually the camera pans to Becca, looking pensive on a balcony, thinking about whether having to train fresh dick is worth rubbing it in Tia’s face that in addition to banging Arie, Colton will also be a notch on her bedpost.
Eventually she returns to Colton. “Sorry about that,” she tells him. “I just needed to collect my thoughts and let the downstairs cool off a bit.”
“It’s totally fine,” he lies to her.
“And for the record, I don’t think it’s a big deal that you’re a virgin. I’m not judging you for that at all,” she says, almost managing to get through that lie with a straight face.
With that, she gives Colton this week’s first rose, only so she can take a flower from him later on. “I’m really excited to meet your family!” she says. “They’ve got to be a piece of work if they can raise a man who is capable of getting to the NFL but still can’t manage to get it in.”
One-On-One Date with Garrett
This date was both stupid and boring. First, Becca greets Garrett with a standard four limb embrace on the beach. Classic Bachelorette move. Then, they make out on a seaplane. It’s unclear if there were any seamen on this seaplane, but considering that Becca’s hands were off camera, it’s a distinct possibility. After their plane ride, they make out on another beach. Riveting shit, guys.
As they progress to dinner, Becca gets dolled up in this sultry white number that she pairs with a thin diamond choker necklace to let Garrett know that she’s down for some erotic asphyxiation. She tells the camera that she knows she has great chemistry with Garrett, but that they need to have deeper conversations if she’s going to be ready to meet his family. Bitch please – that’s such a lie. You’re going to meet his family. You’re going to bang him in the Fantasy Suite. The only reasons she’s wearing that necklace instead of a tank top that says “Harder Daddy” right now is because Chris Harrison told her to change because “this is a family show.”
The deep convo Becca apparently wanted to have was all about Garrett and his ex wife. He got married right after college, so let’s chalk that failure up to being young and dumb. He tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her and she rewards him with an under the table, over the pants hand job. He gets a rose too.
One-On-One Date with Blake
I’m a huge Blake fan. He’s normal and funny and seems like a cool bro, but dear Lord, he lost his shit this week. With each date card that didn’t bear his name, his sanity cracked a little bit. When his finally arrived, he had worked himself into a Chris-like tizzy, thinking that Becca was doing this on purpose.
Thankfully, he was able to subdue his crazy enough to have a normal date. Their first stop is a random public area where a Jamaican band is playing, and upon closer inspection, it turns out to be the Baha Men who are debuting a new single in the hopes of no longer being a one-hit wonder. Blake and Becca dance while the boys play, and for a white dude, Blake has some moves. Becca is impressed and spends the afternoon grinding all up on him, despite the fact that he is sweaty as fuck. I sweat when it’s seventy degrees out, so I shouldn’t throw stone.
After that, they make out on a beach. I’m sensing a theme for this episode. Blake confesses that this week has turned him into a crazy bitch, and although Becca seems a little thrown off by this, she quickly reassures him. Over dinner, he tells her that not only is he falling in love with her, but that he’s in love with her. In Bachelor world, this is an important distinction.
Becca wastes no time and quickly pins a rose on his chest before jumping on his conch. They make out at dinner. They make out on the street. Becca makes Blake slam her against a building to do more face sucking before she tells the camera that although she can’t tell him yet, she feels the same way. This is a big development – she hasn’t said that about Garrett yet, so who knows what’s going to happen.
Three-On-One Date with Jason, Leo, and Wills
While Leo and Wills were a little sulky about being relegated to have sixty-six percent chance of elimination during this week’s date, Jason took it in stride. It makes sense; Jason is clearly the frontrunner amongst this group. The boys and Becca load up on a boat and head off to a random beach, where they play some sand volleyball and shoot the shit for a while. Side note – I’m fairly certain that’s the same volleyball court that was used in Ben’s season of The Bachelorette immediately following the swimming pigs escapades.
Leo makes the first move and asks to speak to Becca alone. They walk along the beach, his tresses flowing gently behind him like a live action version of Maui from Moana that’s done a few years worth of P90X. He doesn’t waste any time getting to the conversation we’re all expecting.
“Listen Becs,” he starts. “I know I’m probably a bit behind where the other dudes are, since we went on our first date last week. I can’t say that I’m falling in love with you, but I think we have the potential for that on the horizon, and I hope you’re willing to let that continue to develop.”
“You’re too sweet,” Becca replies. “But unfortunately to advance to hometowns, the ‘Falling in Love with Becca’ achievement must be unlocked. For that reason, you have been eliminated. Take a moment and say your goodbye.”
“Take a moment and say my goodbyes?” Leo asks incredulously. “Isn’t that Chris Harrison’s line?”
“You heard me,” Becca tells him. With that, she collects Jason and Wills and they get back on the boat that ferried them to this beach, leaving Leo wandering aimlessly, alone. In the distance, two bright eyes and a giant mouth appear from behind a bush.
“Fresh meat,” Olivia “O Face” Caridi whispers, a little drool dripping from the side of her mouth. “Welcome to my island of rejection, Leo.”
With Leo eliminated, Jason and Wills bask in the fact that their odds of getting this week’s last rose are increased to that of a coin toss. Becca speaks to each of them individually before perseverating to the camera that she’s having such a hard time making this decision, and that she can sympathize with Arie since she understands now what it’s like to have strong feelings for multiple people.
At this point, it seems like it could go either way; her conversation with Wills was very heartfelt and he told her he was falling in love with her and was excited for her to meet his family. That being said, throughout the season it seems like she’s had a schoolgirl crush on Jason. It turns out that hormones win out, and she decides that she’ll be accompanying Jason to his exotic hometown of Buffalo, NY the following week.
As she walks Wills out, her response to his profession of love is to tell him that she knows he’ll find his person someday, which is a real kick in the dick in this situation. He takes it in stride while shes there but starts sobbing in the van on the way to the airport, going so far as to make them pull over so he could cry outside. I feel a little bit bad for him, but this just punched his ticket to Paradise so I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
That’s it folks. We have our final four. Next week we get to meet families and see where these douchebros sprouted up. Family drama is always a highlight of every season, so I have high expectations for what’s to come. See you then..