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“I’ll take a dozen wings. Medium. Well done with no bleu cheese, celery, or ranch.”
I judge a restaurant on how well they make their wings. Unless I’ve been to a place quite a bit, I always order the wings well done. This is so Spongebob on the fryer doesn’t send out some of those nasty, soggy wings with the consistency of clams covered in Texas Pete, the best commercial hot sauce there is.
I hate wasting things, whether it be straws, napkins, or the nasty ranch/bleu cheese they send out with wings. I make sure to let the restaurant know not to send that shit out with my wings. They will not be used and will be thrown in the trash. This is also a polite way of saying, “Ranch and bleu cheese don’t belong with wings.”
“BUT I LOVE RANCH/BLEU CHEESE/WHATEVER ELSE I SOUR MY WINGS WITH.”
I’ve had this argument with many people and there is nothing in this world that would change my mind. I get people putting celery in their ranch or bleu cheese. Fine, great, whatever makes this mostly-water shit-tier vegetable that people get because they can’t handle the heat but want to stay in the kitchen. Medium or spicy sauce isn’t that hard to eat. If you can’t handle that level of heat, get something sweet or don’t bother.
Wings are easy. It’s literally wings, a deep fryer, and the sauce. Nothing else. If you can’t handle the medium or hot, go fight in a different weight class. There’s a reason there’s a bevy of sauce choices. Bleu cheese and ranch are a crutch that take away from the integrity of the wings themselves.
From someone that has eaten wings that made me wish I were dead, I feel like I am an authority on the topic of “enjoying” the flavor. The wing should stand alone with the sauce as a directive, not an afterthought after it is slathered in some abomination.
It makes me irate when, even after I specifically ask for no ranch or bleu cheese, it not only appears on my plate but it spills onto my wings. Sadly, the default is to bring these abominations even if they aren’t asked for. I’d (almost) understand all the whiners and complainers saying that ranch and bleu cheese are reasonable dippers for wings if restaurants made homemade ranch. Sadly, most places will slop on a bit of Hidden Valley which is like using boxed mashed potatoes: it’s just plain lazy. Bleu cheese looks (and I imagine tastes) like a yeast infection. Get that shit out of here and off my wings.
There are even wing sauces that incorporate ranch or bleu cheese for you wieners out there. My favorite local wing place has what is known as “Cowboy Ranch” which, as I’m sure all you super sleuths out there can figure through context clues, is medium spicy sauce and ranch. If you must have ranch, simply do something like that.
Don’t even get me started with the heathens that get “boneless” wings. These are chicken nuggets. They are made with breast meat. It’s nowhere near the same. Calling them “boneless” wings would be like calling a wagon a car because it has four wheels.
I realize chicken wings are a polarizing topic. Is this the hill I want to die on? No, not really. When I go out for wings and people get their ranch and bleu cheese, I smile and quietly judge them.
But, whether you too are a purist or you like to slather your wings in bullshit, I think we can all agree that life was much better in undergrad when $5 pitchers of Domestic and $.25 wings was the normal special. .
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
You’re not wrong about boneless wings being chicken nuggets, but chicken nuggets are delicious.
While delicious, they are not wings. Chicken nuggets are excellent though.
I work at Tyson and you are wrong, sir.
I basically accept Madoff’s advice as gospel, but I’ll be damned if I’ll give up my blue cheese dressing with wings, and I make kick-ass mashed potatoes using potato flakes as a base.
Just choked tea all over the payroll documents after “Blue cheese looks like a yeast infection”
If I want ‘boneless’ wings, I order chicken tenders tossed in the wing sauce. Way more meat for the money.
The real question Madoff, flats or drums?
I’m a drums man myself and my woman is a flats. When we get wings, we trade so I get what I want and she gets what she wants.
Sounds like relationship goals right there
QSL trips after baseball games were my favorite spending summers up in Western PA/NE Ohio, and they’ve recently opened one here in God’s Country. However, I’ll always declare Hooters Daytona wings, hot, are the GOAT of chain wings. Fight me if you think I’m wrong.
#TeamDrums
blue cheese > ranch though.
The spicier the wing the better the blue cheese tastes
I now know what I’m having for lunch.
What about dry rub wings like a Cajun or Jamaican Jerk dry rub? What’s the stance there?
Lemon pepper. Always and forever
Lemon peppa wangs and a freeze cup
Like all other wings, leave them to enjoy the rub. Don’t dip them in fucking bullshit.
Every time I get wings I think “I really don’t feel like getting messy, maybe I should do boneless” but then I remember that they are in fact chicken nuggets and I am not 7, so I get real wings.
Why are people’s top non-local places(since we don’t all live in same place)? For DFW I’d go Wingstop or Twin Peaks.
I grew up by the original Quaker Steak & Lube so that’s always my chain preference. Wings Over chicken tenders by the pound is good too. The best wings are always at some small local place though.
Sharon PA for the win, QSL will always be my go-to since I grew up near there too. Arizona Ranch or Golden Garlic, and that beautiful beautiful bathroom
What**
You are correct on all counts.
The real debate is flat wing vs drum. I’ll take the flat wing 10/10 times.