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My girlfriend and I will be celebrating our two-year anniversary this Friday, and I could not be happier in our relationship. She’s the kindest person I’ve ever met, funny, smart, and has an ass that won’t quit. A girl that amazing should be with the best guy, right? But how do I know if I’m that best guy? I didn’t know, until I read Elite Daily’s list of “12 Special Qualities A Man Has That Mean You Should Never Let Him Go,” and now I have to find out how I stack up. Do I have those qualities? Let’s find out.
1. When he looks at you, he really looks at you.
Well, right off the bat I’m not really sure what this means, so it doesn’t bode well for my chances. I like to think I really look at my girlfriend. I don’t just glance at her or squint at her like she’s the sun, I guess? I make eye contact. I look at her when she’s talking, unless there’s a TV within a 50-yard vicinity, so like, half of the time. I’m going to give myself partial credit for this one.
2. He’s a kind man, but not a pushover.
If we’re being truly introspective here, I think I’m pretty kind. I occasionally buy food for homeless people. I signed up for Amazon Smile so my shopping addiction can benefit a women’s shelter in Chicago. I tried to sign up to help at a foodbank on Christmas, but they didn’t need any more volunteers, so I decided to just sleep in instead. Yup, I’m giving myself credit for this.
3. He’s driven, but patient.
I consider myself pretty driven. I knew I wanted to work in my field by the time I was 15-years-old, and I spent the last decade making sure I achieved that dream. Patience, on the other hand, is not my strong suit. I regularly eat pasta that is still crunchy because I can’t wait ten goddamn minutes for it to cook. During our last date, I almost fought a smarmy host who kept telling us that our table was going to be ready in “just five minutes,” when I could clearly see MULTIPLE OTHER PARTIES OF TWO BEING SEATED WHO HADN’T WAITED AS LONG. So yeah, uh, half point.
4. He has ambitious dreams but is down to earth.
I want to be a millionaire, but I want to do it the old-fashioned, American way- by winning a frivolous lawsuit against a large corporation. I think that counts for both.
5. He can cook.
Not only can I cook, I can cook drunk. My peanut curry chicken is delicious, and I can make a seafood paella that will make you want to take your clothes off. Nailed it.
6. He’s physically active.
I mean, I’ve been rehabbing from hip surgery for almost six months now, but I at least believe I’m physically active. I go to the gym about five days a week, and spend about a half hour lifting and about an hour “finding the perfect song to lift to,” so…yeah.
7. He’s brilliant, but not cocky – well, a little cocky, but not too cocky.
I am definitely not brilliant, but I am, in the words of my father after I burned him on a slant route during our Thanksgiving family football game, “a cocky little shit.” I’m extremely average at most things, but I act like I’m god’s gift to mankind. The attitude of Michael Jordan with the skill level of Brian Scalabrine, if you will. I guess that would be considered “too cocky.” No points.
8. He has an uncanny ability to make you laugh.
I can confidentially answer “yes” to this quality, but not because of my own ability. Obviously, I think I’m hilarious (see answer above), but that doesn’t matter because my girlfriend will laugh at literally anything. This week alone, she’s laughed at: A cashier that told her to have a “sweet day” while pointing at her candy (not funny), two animal puns (kinda funny), and long-winded story she was telling (definitely not funny). The girl just loves to laugh, and I’m often the cause. So, yes.
9. He tells you he loves you although he doesn’t have to because you can feel that he loves you.
I have no idea what this means. I do tell her that I love her. Is “feel that he loves you” code for having sex? Because in that case, yes, she feels that I love her, briefly, for about three minutes at a time.
10. He’s willing to lose an argument to keep the peace.
HAHAHAHA. Oh man. That’s funny. No. No, I don’t have this quality. I have never lost an argument in my life, because you can’t lose an argument if you never stop arguing. I’m not willing to lose an argument for any reason. Peace is meaningless. Winning lasts forever.
11. Whenever you need any help, he always offers to lend a hand.
Ehhh, I don’t know about whenever you need help. If my girl’s in trouble, I will definitely help her out. But if she can’t find her phone for the fortieth time, and I’m in the middle of watching TV, it’s about a 50/50 shot that I’ll help her look. Will I do anything in my power to help out if she’s in a crisis? Yes. Will I completely ignore her pleas to help her with something minor, like chores? Also yes.
12. Without you, he loses himself.
Without my loving girlfriend I would lose many things. The ability to do couple’s costumes for Halloween. My knowledge about which famous people are currently dating, and which just broke up. My excuse for showing up 30 minutes late to every event ever. But would I lose myself? No. And I don’t think I should. She makes me better, but she doesn’t make me me. Losing yourself in someone else is the sign of a bad relationship, not a good one.
Final tally: 8/12. Not bad. Not bad at all. People who can do math tell me that’s 67%, which could get rounded up to a C-, and is right up my alley. I feel good about that..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Three quarters of this list sounds like it was written by a 16 year old girl who has never had a real boyfriend and just read Twilight for the first time.
13. He’s willing to sit outside your bedroom window every night before he introduces himself.
“I think we are living in the delusional fantasy of a naive 13-year-old girl, that basically sums up our culture.” -Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
“Losing yourself in someone else is the sign of a bad relationship, not a good one.”
Anyone who realizes this is A+ material in my book.
Yeah, that shit is called codependency, and that is not healthy.
Sup?
Nothing wrong with a gentleman’s C. That shit gets you a diploma.
C’s get degrees my dude!
You know who has #’s 1,3,7,9, & 12 a lot the times?….serial killers. But it’s okay, ladies. I know you think you can change them for the better lol
Did somebody say you have a podcast?
Podcasts are so 2018. The reason why CMV has disappeared recently is because we’re working on writing a children’s book for blind transsexuals because we operate in the future or whatever lol
Can confirm
I feel like an idiot for clicking on the original article, HOWEVA (Stephen A. Smith voice) I am also amazed at how much of a deep dive you must have done on Elite Daily to find an article from 2014.
Number 12 is horse shit. I would never want a guy to “lose himself” if we broke up.
I only lose myself in the music, the moment.
This is really asking a lot of us men…
I think the actual bar for what most grown women expect is much lower than this, honestly.
If a guy is being respectful, faithful, committed and, if married, providing for the family I feel like that’s a solid guy. Worrying about how he looks at you or how much exercise he gets in is a bit overboard
Expressing love and getting exercise is still such a low bar lol
Add willing to communicate (or at least willing to try) and a date night every few weeks to that list and you’re basically God’s gift to women.
12?! How about I let her choose 2 and we can go from there.
13. He takes 0 advice from a list on Elite Daily
Bailing on an argument when you’re right, dropping the world to find a lost earring and whining when your girl isn’t around are all direct contrasts to “not a pushover”