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Hello, hello. Welcome to the inaugural column on Would You Rather Wednesdays, where I answer classic “would you rather?” questions once and for all. For those of you who have never had friends, or possibly, have never been bored, a “would you rather?” is exactly what it sounds like. You will be presented with a ridiculous, often disgusting hypothetical choice between two very unappealing options, and you must pick the better of the two. It’s a simple game that has existed as long as boredom and alcohol have been around. So, forever. This week I’m going to start off with a classic. A horrifying, stomach-curdling classic.
Would you rather: Have sex with a goat, but no one ever finds out about it, OR not have sex with a goat, but everyone thinks you did?
Yup. We’re jumping straight into hypothetical bestiality today, folks. Buckle the fuck up. So right off the bat, these are two awful, awful things to happen. But which is the better of two evils? First, let’s answer some clarifying questions.
1. What do you mean by “everyone” thinks I did?
Literally every single person in the world. It’s as commonly known as the fact that Kim Kardashian had a sex tape. As known as Britney Spears’ breakdown. This won’t get swept away in the news cycle. This will remain a headline forever. Everyone means everyone.
2. How long do I have to have sex with the goat?
Until completion. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. You can’t play “just the tip” with this goat. That’s not a sentence I expected to ever write when I first decided to be a writer, but here we are. For women, that means until the goat is done. I don’t know how long that is, and I refuse to search for an answer on my work laptop. Sorry.
Now that all the torrid details are hammered out, it’s time to get down to the answer. As much as I don’t want to be the one to admit it, I’m going to have to go with the first option. That’s right, I’m picking “have sex with a goat, but no one ever finds out about it.” I’m sorry to everyone I’ve disappointed, but first, hear me out.
Is banging a goat absolutely vile, and horrible, and will likely give you PTSD for the rest of your life? Yes. Absolutely. However, the only thing worse than that is everyone on earth thinking you banged a goat. Guys, perception is reality. If everyone perceives that to be true, your life, as you know it, would end. Do you have a spouse, or partner, or want to have one at some point? Too bad. No one is going to date a goat-fucker. That’s the worst form of social pariah possible. I know we’re in the age of inclusivity and not judging people, but even the most advanced society has lines we cannot cross. Bestiality is that line.
Do you have a job? Do you want a job? Do you need money to exchange for goods and services? Too bad. PR reigns king right now, and no company is going to associate themselves with someone whom the entire world knows has had relations with a goat. Nope. Nope. You’d be packing up your desk within two hours.
What about friends? I hope they’re not important to you because they’ll all bail on you, and rightfully so. Look, I love my friends. I’d have their back on 90% of issues. They’re my boys. However, this issue falls squarely in that 10%. What you’ll be accused of doing is so heinous no one would even want, or be able to, hang out with you without their own reputation getting ruined.
So here you are. You chose the moral high-road and did not have sex with a goat. That’s a good thing, to be sure. But in terms of actual consequences, your life is much, much worse. You’re a social pariah with no job, no income, and no significant other. Your family won’t talk to you, and you live in a one bedroom studio and only come out at night. Every day is a waking nightmare.
Now, if you choose the first choice, you have to go through a nightmare of your own, namely, fucking a goat. You may throw up. You’ll probably need therapy. You’ll definitely never be able to visit a petting zoo again. However, after that three-minute nightmare (I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to set any records with this goat), you can get on with your life. Your horrible actions will be a secret that only you, and possibly your therapist, ever know about. You can bury it, pretend it never happened, and go on and live a successful, happy life. If there’s anything I’ve learned from movies, it’s that the human spirit can endure pretty much any horrific hardship.
So yes, I would choose the first option. Have sex with a goat, but no one ever finds out about. Final answer. Let me know what you think of me in the comments. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Would you rather fuck a dude on a twin bed or find out after you had sex you’re in his parents house? Plot twist, both is the answer. I had a rough Tuesday night guys.
The nice house or two older adults didn’t give it away?
How nice of a house could it be if said person has a twin bed?
Congrats on the sex
Sup
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So T-Swift can we or can we not expect a banger from this experience with a Migos/Lil Dicky feature on the track
Seems like a definite lil Dickey feature opportunity
Was the romp at least worth all that trouble?
No
Submit a column
“The Time I Fucked a Dude in a Twin Bed in His Parents House on a Tuesday Night” coming to you soon. @Dave pls publish this when I submit it
The beginning of a new series emerges… “Worst Sex Stories”
I encourage you to go back in the McGannon PGP archives for weekly Humpday Hookup Horror Stories columns.
Lmao I’d keep that to myself and maybe reevaluate where I’m at in life. But hey, do you (maybe also do that vs banging dudes in twin beds who live with their parents).
You guys are all commenting as if I knew he lived with his parents/also had a twin bed. If I had that knowledge I clearly would not have gone over there. But once you’re there you’re committed.
“Once you’re there you’re committed”. Solid stuff. I respect that.
Ever heard of the phrase “nah, I’m good” or this super useful tool called the Uber app?
I think Aziz Ansari would have a slightly different opinion on “once you’re there you’re committed.”
“When you’re here, you’re family.
When you’re there, you’re committed.”
The twin bed, the ultimate afrodesiac
Congrats on the upcoming #1 summer jam.
Would you rather: read an article about sex with a goat or have to look at Boston Max’s shirtless mirror selfie again?… Goat 100%
Oh, burn.
Savage
Will the goat buy me dinner before (or after) the deed is done?
If he did, is it considered a date? @BostonMax
The goat is dinner.
“Petting zoo closes at 2. Goat roast is at 3!” -Dwight lol
So you’re asking me if I would have sex with a Michael Jordan?
In my fantasy world the goat is Tom Brady. Still a tough question because if I had sex with him I would want literally everyone to know and that’s not an option.
You think he’d kiss you as passionately as he kisses his son?
A girl can dream
Would you rather fuck Tom Brady and no one knows, or not fuck him but everyone knows?
How well does said goat perform? Does said goat have post-coital cigs? Is this goat thicc?
You’ve left me with more questions than answers.
Goat’s got that wagon, boi
This is both a terrific comment and username.
It’s scary how fast I determined I’d be fucking a goat and how firmly I believed it.
Watch Season 1 Episode 1 of Black Mirror to watch this play out in a real life scenario. Except switch the goat with a pig and the hypothetical with someone’s life on the line.
Not really similar. In that episode everyone would have known his decision either way.
I’m pretty sure everyone in that episode watched the Prime Minister fuck the pig. As Miss Jackson pointed out, everyone would have known either way.
I guess similar from the aspect that everyone knows that he fucked an animal.
Would you rather: Go into the office supremely hungover and not get any work done or skip out and hope management takes your bs excuse, this is a question I face every Wednesday morning
this is what separates the alcoholics from the “functional” alcoholics
Can confirm.
Can I be black out drunk during it?
As long as you can still finish
Honest question here. Logistically speaking, would men be with girl goat and women with boy goats?
That’s where your line would be drawn???? You’d make it all the way to fuck a goat, then find out its male and that’s when you’re out?
“I’ll fuck a goat but I’m definitely not gay…”
– Internal_Audit, probably
I mean, it does present a challenge. I’m a girl and I have no idea how to have sex with another human woman, let alone a female goat…