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Silence permeated the car as Eric drove, but not just any silence. This wasn’t the content quiet of friends enjoying each other’s company. It wasn’t a lull in the conversation while Eric and company thought of what to say next. No, this was a darker, deeper silence. The silence of four hungover brains desperately trying to focus on surviving the long drive home.
Anxiety ran high throughout the group as they focused on their upcoming work weeks, the questionable choices they had made in the last 72 hours, and most notably, not throwing up as the SUV wound its way through the Sierra Nevadas. A challenge that was too great to overcome, apparently, as Eric abruptly veered on to the shoulder, stopping mere feet away from a sheer drop.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!”
All three passengers yelled un unison as they narrowly avoided becoming a harrowing tale of how deadly hangovers could be.
Eric responded by throwing his driver’s door open and projectile vomiting into the dirt. Passing cars blared their horns and Kyle, Jack, and Andrew, in a rare show of unity, screamed at him to pull it together and get back on the road before an eighteen-wheeler knocked them to their deaths. Eric was in a personal hell.
Once his body finished expelling what seemed like several gallons of well tequila and Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes, Eric pulled his door shut and shakily guided them back on to the road.
“Sorry guys.” He knew it wasn’t enough, but it was all the effort he had to give, and he knew no one else had the energy to keep yelling at him. Several seconds of silence continued before Jack spoke up to break it.
“Jesus dude. I know you’re sad that you’re missing your little girlfriend back home, but no need to involve us in your death wish.”
For the first time in what seemed like hours, the silence gave way to laughter. It wasn’t a very imaginative burn, but to the four barely-functioning brains in the car, it was the peak of comedy. Their cackling built to a crescendo as their bodies released desperately needed serotonin.
“It feels good to laugh again,” Andrew managed to squeak out as he wiped tears from his eyes. As the chuckles died down, a renewed sense of comradery flowed through the car. There was nothing like a contagious hangover laugh over nothing to bring friends closer together. Eager to nip Jack’s statement in the bud, Eric fired back.
“Kelsey’s not my girlfriend, you animals. The last thing I’m trying to do is get tied down right now.”
A knowing glance flittered through the back seat until, Kyle, sitting shotgun, finally responded.
“Uhhh, you seemed pretty tied down when you FaceTimed her last night, talking about being exclusive and shit…”
“The fuck did I do?” Eric exclaimed. He had no recollection of any such conversation taking place. Of course, he didn’t have recollection of much after returning to the cabin, save for a flash of making the regrettable decision to pass a mirror around while in the hot tub, with no thought as to the consequences water on certain powdery substances. He had checked his texts and calls this morning, as was his routine after a black out, and assumed he was in the clear due to seeing no outgoing communication. He hadn’t checked his FaceTime log, because despite his acceptance of his drunk texting problem, a drunk video chat was something he had never attempted. “Shit,” he thought. “Blackout me is evolving. And not for the better.”
Outwardly, he attempted to compose himself.
“Well shit. I was not aware I did that. What was I saying to her? Actually don’t tell me. Ahh, fuck it. I have to know. Just tell me.”
Next to him, Kyle started talking with a grin on his face.
“I mean, I wasn’t trying to get involved in y’alls cupcake fest, but you were telling her you wished she was there and that you only wanted to be with her…by the time I realized what was happening I grabbed your phone and hung up but it was too late.”
Fuck. Silence descended on the car again as Eric contemplated the information he had just received. Did he just ruin the good thing he had going? Was Kelsey going to hold him to the alleged promises of being exclusive he had made while under the influence? Was she even feeling the same way? He hadn’t heard from her so far this morning, did that mean he had scared her off? Did he want her to be scared off? Did he want their relationship to be more serious? Was he even over his ex?
These thoughts, and many others like it, held Eric’s attention for the next few hours of the drive. Not that there was much else to distract it. As they neared home, the degenerates in the back seat were fast asleep, while his navigator desperately tried to stay awake in the seat next to him. Eric had been reduced to listening to talk radio in an attempt to keep himself alert, and was listening to Dr. Laura give out some awful advice when he heard a familiar chime.
He glanced down at the center console, where he saw his phone screen had lit up with a new text message from Kelsey. His heart rate quickened, and even Kyle perked up as he heard the noise.
“Is that her?”
“Yeah,” Eric responded. “Can you read me what she said? This road is a tough drive”
Kyle nodded and grabbed the phone, staring at it for several seconds as his mouth slowly formed a grin. Impatient, Eric snapped at him.
“No wonder you had to take remedial English twice, dude, does it always take you this long to read a sentence? What’s it say?”
“Looks like your guardian angel was watching out for you last night,” Kyle said with a chuckle. “She said: Heyy, hope your hungover drive isn’t too bad. Let me know when you’re close, I’ll meet you at your place with Chipotle and Gatorade. Also, did we FaceTime last night? I was fucked up and don’t remember it, so hopefully I wasn’t too embarrassing. See you soon!”
“Holy shit.” Eric said, as he breathed a long sigh of relief. “I can’t believe she doesn’t remember either. I’m in the clear. Holy shit.”
Jack’s voice sounded from the back seat as he opened his eyes. “Looks like you two shitshows were made for each other. Congrats on dodging the bullet you shot at your own foot, you moron. Let’s celebrate by getting Mickey D’s drive through. Daddy needs some nugs.”.
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Kelsey was sober last night and is currently power playing the shit out of this. You heard it here first.
Kelsey was definitely sober. I’ve pulled this move a handful of times.
its a trap!
Concur. She remembers. She just wants YOU to say it again Eric. You dope.
I felt like that as well
Post-hangover Chipotle, Gatorade and sex? Kelsey is a keeper.
Definitely someone you don’t want to lose
anytime you can end an article with ‘daddy needs some nugs’ you just gotta do it
I felt like I was back in TGDAG with that one
He had to do it to ’em.
Strive to be a Kelsey
Hey
Eric, such a drunk dummy. Can’t wait to get that intoxicated this Saturday for St. Paddy.
Bumplestilskins in the hot tub, nice touch. Snooters gonna snoot
I need an exhaustive list of all your alternate names for blow ASAP. Got a buddies bachelor party coming up and well, you know..
Bob menery has been helping me out a lot recently (great follow on the gram)
-Snooter mcgee
-Ripper magoo
-Baggie curls
-Nose beers
-Snoz nachos
-Cocaine said in a Dewey Cox voice
-White lightning
-Gator Tails
-Booger sugar
-Nicaraguan Yazz
If I’m missing anything, y’all chime in
I saw “California Cornflakes” in a medical textbook about street names for it, and I’m all in on that.
A thousand times yes
I was reminded of Devils Dandruff by a buddy
You’re doing the lords work, Kimber.
Kelsey is the most relatable character on this site.
I think you mean 2nd most relatable character. Gil Humplestead by a mile.
We need more Gil!! @BMan
The “it feels good to laugh again” moment is one of the most underrated parts of a weekend trip. It’s like a switch is flipped where irritability and passive aggression go out the window, and turn into laughter and story time for the remainder of the drive.
Gagging at “daddy needs some nugs”
Perhaps Kelsey is the answer to Girl we’ve all been waiting for.