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Being an introvert is hard. It’s hard not only because people continuously ask you out to do things, but because people think that they’re doing you a favor by asking you to do things with other people. Seriously, after I bludgeoned Annie’s pep by turning down her forced office super-happy-fun-time at trivia, she came to me confused, wondering why I was so against going.
“It was going to be a fun break for the office. I don’t see what the big deal is?” she asked while batting those Disney eyes.
I explained to her, gently, that while I like my co-workers and normally don’t have a problem with the occasional after-work gathering, sometimes I’m tired and need some me time. The subtext: leave me the fuck alone.
Being a confident introvert and saying “no” to people can often leave them hurt and confused. But more extroverted people tend to not understand that certain innocuous requests and phrases can cause an internal spiral of panic and anger. Here are seventeen of those such phrases, and how I–a man who gives zero fucks–truly want to respond to them.
1. “Let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves.”
Hmm…let’s not. See, there’s this radical thing that when you meet someone for the first time, you can ask them their name and introduce yourself then. Don’t make me say my name and a “fun fact about myself.” I won’t remember any of your names, and your facts are the opposite of fun. If you are of enough importance, I’ll interact with you enough to pick up your particulars. This is a two-day company retreat, we don’t all need to be blood brothers.
2. “How ‘bout this weather?”
Are you a fuckin’ meteorologist? Unless it’s snowing in Arizona or there are sharknados forming by the minute, I don’t care ‘bout this weather. It’s weather. Just because it’s raining for the first time in a while, doesn’t mean you should seize the opportunity to say something like “we really needed the rain.” You don’t know if we did or didn’t need rain, you liar.
It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s raining, it’s snowing, I don’t give a shit. I was outside, I’m aware of what the weather is. You know what you could say instead? Nothing. Please, embrace standing there in awkward silence rather than trying desperately to fill the void of noise with your stupid ass queries.
3. “There will be a lot of people.”
I’ll do anything to be away from lots of people. And I define “lots” to be more than five at any given time. Five is a lot. Are there going to be more than five people there? Shit. Maybe there will be an Ebola outbreak or something. Yes…I did mean “an Ebola outbreak so everyone gets sick and can’t come”…definitely not “an Ebola outbreak so our planet is rid of more annoying people.”
4. “I’ll call you!”
“She was born in the 80s, she still uses her phone as a phone!” One of the classic, underrated Troy Barnes quips from Community nails this issue.
Like sure, you could call me, but why? Are you really so selfish that you’re going to demand my undivided attention, to be charming and eloquent on the fly, just for chit-chat?
I know some of you like the phone call because you claim it’s easier to coordinate plans but come on. You’re going to drag what should be a thirty-second discussion into ten awkward minutes of dialogue. Don’t gush over the phone like you just got a telegram about Mr. Alexander Graham Bell’s newfangled invention. Texting isn’t that hard. Let me get back to you in my own time after I’ve had 20 minutes to rewrite and edit that text to the cute girl I’m crushing on.
5. “Tell me about yourself.”
“You haven’t heard of me.”
That’s literally what I will say whenever this gem gets thrown in my face. I haven’t done anything that notable or interesting. If I had, you’d have recognized my name when I introduced myself.
This is the same issue I have with the “fun fact” you now seem to be required to give with any introduction. What do you want me to tell you? That I’m a black belt? That I went to law school? That I write for a website my girlfriend derisively calls my “blog” and I’m not even one of the popular writers? Or, want me to lie and say something ridiculous like I discovered a species of pygmy Gila monsters on a trip in Burma? It doesn’t matter. You don’t care and you won’t remember.
6. “I invited our friends over last minute.”
Oh, awesome! Did you make sure to invite that one douchebag I absolutely hate who pressures me to play drinking games with overly complicated rules? You did! And he’s bringing all his aggressive male friends who will cock-block me at every attempt? Wonderful! What’s that now? They’re going to stay at my place way too long, trash my bathroom, and drink all the craft beer I was saving? Oh, how delightful. Oh, no don’t worry about me, just making sure the knot on this here noose is strong enough.
7. “Don’t forget, we have plans tonight.”
I was actually praying you’d forget or cancel at the last minute. But I’d like to take this opportunity to just say “I don’t want to.” It’s not you, it’s me, and the fact that I don’t like being around you.
8. “Find a partner, it’s a group project.”
Oh, you mean find the leftovers that no one else wanted to pair up with? Great, nothing like a little public reminder that you have no friends.
Group projects are supposed to teach things like teamwork, collaboration, and social skills. All they ever taught me was trust no one, everyone else is dumb, and fuck socialism.
9. “No, I’m not ready to leave yet. This is fun!”
I’m ready to leave. I’ve been ready to leave. I was ready to leave when I was still on my couch at home. I’m glad you’re having fun, though. You should definitely stay, while I go home and have fun without you.
10. “No, you won’t have your own desk — at this company, we use the open office concept.”
Why? So I can see every time Brad “accidentally” alt-tabs to porn? So that my boss always has the opportunity to catch a glimpse of my screen when I pulled up Reddit? So that Nancy across the table can annoy me with her loud, open-mouth chewing? So I can see Garrett cutting his fingernails at his desk?
God people are fucking disgusting. At least put up some dividers so I don’t have to see their goddamn faces all day.
11. “The internet is down.”
See also: “your phone’s battery is about to die” and “this is a technology free day.”
This isn’t pioneer times, I need some brief respite to be in my own head and ignore all the annoying ass people around me. Having five goddamn minutes to myself to watch videos of dogs and tigers playing together is the only thing that keeps me going. Aww, they’re best friends!
12. “We’re going to be out all day.”
Out? Out? Out where? And what the hell is so great out there that it’s going to require a whole day of being out there? I have everything I need in here, thank you very much. Including a lock to keep all you assholes firmly out there.
13. “Your grade in this class will be based on your participation.”
Anyone else who went to law school knows the horror of being cold-called. These classes don’t only encourage participation for your final grade, they will mandate it. It’s not necessarily that we’re afraid of being wrong, it’s just one of those things where I’d learn better when I’m focused on what the teacher is saying rather than controlling my heartbeat in preparation for a follow-up question.
The best compliment I ever got in law school is when one professor pointed me out as “that quiet kid that no one is going to suspect of getting the top grade in the class.” Thanks for blowing up my spot teach.
14. Everyone you know, from your living room: “SURPRISE!”
Does it make you all feel better if I act shocked and happy that you ambushed me with a celebration for an occasion when you could have instead informed of the particulars, thus giving me time to mentally steel myself for hours of being the center of attention? Oh. Okay. Then yay.
15. “You’re just in time for karaoke!”
I will not sing. If you insist on making me sing, I will cue up something by Disturbed and do everything in my power to kill the upbeat atmosphere.
Fuck karaoke. I hated your rendition of “No Diggity” by the way. Who sings that song anyway? Blackstreet? Yeah, how about we keep it that way.
16. “Clear your calendar Friday. We’re doing team-building exercises!”
In my personal hell, I would be forced to live in Pittsburgh, spending all my days doing either icebreakers or team building exercises. Nothing is less fun in my book than some awkward interactions and uncomfortable physical contact.
Also, can we collectively cool it on this notion that any group of more than six people needs to undergo a whole day of forced bonding to work effectively? We’re not SEAL Team 6, we’re the accounting department. It’s not going to kill us if Meredith and Greg don’t have rock-solid trust because they didn’t get to experience the wonder of untangling a human knot. If you want to build camaraderie, do it the old-fashioned way: take away vacation days so we bond by griping about how unreasonable management is.
17. *unexpected doorbell ring*
The only reasons for an unexpected doorbell ring are either I’ve won Publishers Clearinghouse, or someone is trying to sell me something. I know I’m not lucky enough to have an octogenarian come by my house with a big check for an even bigger sum of money. So I’m going to operate under the assumption that whoever is at the door either has the wrong address or will move on. Same principle as the phone call from a number I don’t know. I’m not taking the risk of having to talk to a stranger on the off chance someone I know is trying to get a hold of me. If you are, just text. .
[via Introvert Dear]
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
How can a man who gives zero fucks have so many things to complain about?
We all have our hobbies.
Dude, that comeback was SO weak and if you look up hobbies I don’t think being a whiny, bratty asshole is one of them
This coming from the man who burned large portions of the Southern US for fun.
eh, I was bored. What are you going to do?
Willie, we all know you were just enjoying your roadtrip on the way to your beach vacation.
Meant it as a slight to Josh that you had issues with his hobby given the past.
No, but writing hyperbolic and satirical takes on societal practices that a sizeable portion of the population would prefer to avoid is a hobby. Sorry if that concept’s a little too high-brow for you, but I guess that’s to be expected from someone who doesn’t know what a comeback is (see previous).
Are you can only child?
Nope. Oldest of 2.
Satire, according to dictionary.com: “the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.”
If the goal of this piece was to show and expose how many people use introversion as an excuse to be awful human beings without tact, then bravo.
Thank you very much for posting the definition there, it’s clear many people needed this clarification.
Now, with that in mind, please re-read the article, paying particular attention to the sentences “…more extroverted people tend to not understand that certain innocuous requests and phrases can cause an internal spiral of panic and anger [among introverts]. Here are seventeen of those such phrases, and how I–a man who gives zero fucks–truly want to respond to them”
So what I hear you saying is that it wasn’t satire.
As a fellow content creator, you may need to tweak your #content if it’s not landing. Or maybe just tell better jokes. Just some constructive criticism.
Thank you, sincerely. It’s frustrating because the primary point of most everything I write is to be tongue-and-cheek funny. If people don’t find it funny, that’s fine I’ll just try to do better next time. I just get a bit wounded that everyone is taking something that was meant to be in jest as an implication that I’m an awful person.
FTR, I thought MissJackson’s original comment was funny. My response was meant to be snarky, not undercut her. So I hope she didn’t take offense.
This isn’t confidence. This is just being an asshole and trying to make excuses for it.
All I’m reading is “I use my introversion as an excuse to be rude and act like a bratty teenager.”
I dunno man, I’m pretty damn introverted but I don’t see many problems with these. You can prepare for most of them (come up with the same “fun fact” that you can recycle or memorize a 30 second elevator speech to tell people about yourself) and for others, hopefully your partner knows that you’re introverted and won’t do some of these. My girlfriend would never invite people over without asking me first.
And the rest, they’re just the result of your typical corporate America. Gotta adapt if you want to win the rat race.
One of my all time favorite South Park quotes came to mind immediately.
“With you somehow the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It’s a condition called: Being a cynical asshole.”
You gotta lighten up partner.
You ok, man?
Just had a whole weekend of alone time and now my girlfriend is back so I get to spend tonight snuggled up with her, some wine, and the Bachelor finale. So life’s pretty goddamn good.
I find that friends help in this situation but wait you have none. Sucks to be you.
I thought the introvert internet pity party ended in 2016.
“Like sure, you could call me, but why? Are you really so selfish that you’re going to demand my undivided attention, ”
This is 100% why I do not take calls at my work phone. It rudely demands my attention and takes away from the task I was attempting to accomplish. It takes time, but if you stick to the “I don’t pick up my phone” plan, you’ll socially condition people to not call you and email/text you instead.
I don’t really see this as an introvert thing as opposed to disliking phone calls when they’re unnecessary.
2 Truths and A Lie needs to be on here, I hate that with a passion.
And if you categorize Pittsburgh as your hell, I would like to show you Erie
Dreary Erie, baby!
It literally just sounds like you have social anxiety