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I’m genuinely curious when people our age – you know, the post-grads, the young professional – “define the relationship.” Like, you’ve been hooking up with someone, you’ve been dating them, whatever you want to call it, so how long after you start dating do you decide to be exclusive?
I recently sat down with a number of friends, both boys and girls, who generally roll in different circles. We had a gay dude, an improv chick, a farm boy, a girl who’s perpetually emotionally unavailable (Mia, for those curious), and me. Basically, you couldn’t get five more unique NYC personalities at the same dinner table. We began talking exclusivity. “How long after you start hooking up do you decide to go exclusive.” We all went around the table, and, wouldn’t you know it, five people, five completely the same answers. We all said three months. Every single one of us. The girls. The guys. All of us. 90 days.
And we’re all right. If you disagree, that’s fine, but just know you’re an idiot.
Here’s the thing: we’re all from the northeast. We’re all living in Manhattan where it seems like everyone is single and dating around. Do people in other areas of the country “lock it down” with someone sooner than that? What’s the rationale there? If that’s you, stop it. Stop “going steady” (i.e. being exclusive) until you’ve been together for three months. Otherwise, you’re rushing into it.
Do you know what the chances of finding a compatible partner are? I’d like to make a joke, maybe with a nostalgic link to something that you’ll enjoy. I could say the odds are approximately 3,720 to 1. I could say something absolutely ridiculous yet relevant, like the odds of finding love are worse than the odds of filling out a perfect bracket. But, you’re in luck. I did both of those things just then and I’m going to do some scientific research… (those ellipses are me doing scientific research in a different tab). Okay, found something.
Per The Daily Mail:
The researchers based their calculations on 18 key factors, including your location, desired age, physical attractiveness and relationship status.
Sadly, they found that just 84,440 people in the UK fit the average person’s romantic requirements from an adult population of over 47 million.
This is the equivalent of just one in in 562.
One in 562. Doesn’t sound so awful… but that’s just the chances that someone might, on paper, be your match. So, what about the chances of finding love? Welp, you’re in luck. There’s more, um, news.
Again, from The Daily Mail:
However, an economist has now proved finding that special someone comes down to a slightly less romantic notion – a mathematical equation.
University maths genius Peter Backus has discovered the science behind singledom – calculating that our chances of finding love are just one in 285,000.
Buzz, your girlfriend… WOOF.
Look, these numbers flat out suck. And sure, maybe they’re hyperbole. But think about it: relationships are fucking hard. Divorce rates are like 40-50%. So why in the name of Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. would you even fathom going exclusive with someone after, say, five dates, or a month, or two months? It literally makes no sense.
There’s only a finite number of moments you have in your twenties and thirties to be meeting people, and if you’re closing yourself off for a girl or boy whom you really just met, your window to meet the person who might be your soulmate gets smaller so quickly. But instead, here you are, locking down someone you’ve known for less time than an entire season of The Bachelor.
You’re telling me that after only a few handfuls of hours together and a few sessions in the bedroom that you’re ready to block yourself off, at least for the near future, from the entire population? Why would you do this?! You’re in the prime of your career right now, and going exclusive too early is like Michael Jordan quitting basketball and deciding to ride the buses of the AA Southern League only to hit a measly .202 (30 steals though, #wheels).
I get that you’re not rushing into marriage with this person. But can someone explain to me why you’re going exclusive so quickly? Why rush it? Date more than one person at one. Have sex with multiple people. Compare people to others. Seriously find out who these people are and if you’re a match before you really start getting serious and closing yourself off to dating other people. Because if it turns out he or she isn’t the one, isn’t it better to find out before you’re already serious and exclusive? And hey! If you think they’re perfect, fine, lock it down. After three months.
If you’re going exclusive before three months, that’s your prerogative but all I can say is “good.” You’re an idiot, so more people for me to meet and improve my odds of finding love. .
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Might be an old fashioned / hot take, but I don’t love the thought of someone I am having consistent meaningful sex with on a regular basis, doing the same with anyone else. 3 months is a smidge too long. I’d say you can have the do you want to date exclusively after about 5-6 dates, but wait until 3-4 months before introducing her as a girlfriend / boyfriend.
I can’t even find one person to consistently date, let alone doing it with other people at the same time.
Sup cutie?
I can’t imagine building a meaningful relationship with someone while I was seeing other people. I usually delete apps around week 2-3 if things seem like they have potential.
As the expression goes, “don’t half ass two things”.
BUT WAS THIS A DATE???
Came here to say this… You know for Mia
My friends always said: “when you know, you know…and when you don’t know, you know” If it takes you 3 months to make up your mind about exclusively dating the person, you just aren’t into the person.
You’re right. I got engaged after 3 months and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.
My parents got engaged on their first date. I’ve literally seen my dad give more consideration to which iPad case to purchase. They’ve been happily married for 40 years.
Milk just came out of my nose and I haven’t had milk in 25 years
Also got engaged after three months. And I was certain what was a date for the entirety of it.
Would bet all the date money in the world that you’re from south of the Mason Dixon
Got engaged after 4.5 months. I’m not from south of the Mason Dixon. Both of us knew by the end of the first date that it was right. That being said, I’d rarely tell someone that they should follow our relationship trajectory. I think our situation was pretty rare.
You got a problem with the south, Max?
Don’t take it personally. If you had to deal with a billion assholes everywhere you went you’d be a little bitter too.
No problem with the south at all. Just cultural differences….wouldn’t believe anyone from Boston or NYC or D.C. or LA or San Fran is getting engaged after 3 months
Grouping those cities together is the reason that Trump is president. Those are all places filled with “progressive” people that think they know better than everyone else.
Saying it like that is usually reserved for northerners looking down on those who don’t care “how amazing NYC is” and “so much culture you can’t find anywhere else”.
Come on down and see how life is like. We live life a little slower but in general a whole lot happier. I know this is a “Hot Take” piece but don’t tell and judge me on how to live my life because it ain’t any of my business telling you how to live yours.
Shut the fuck up flowermgr
That’s weird
I blame dating apps on all this. I feel like the reason so many people are so hesitant to become exclusive is because a potential new partner is just a swipe away. Or at least that’s the perception of it. So with that knowledge, they overanalyze the shit out of their current partner or they think their partner is too clingy for moving too fast (if you think that a double text is clingy, I can’t even imagine what you would think if your partner had a DTR talk earlier than whatever timeline you deemed as acceptable).
I don’t see the problem with going exclusive early on. Plus, going exclusive isn’t the same thing as having someone’s babies. You can go exclusive, spend a few months with that person, discover they’re not a fit for you, and break up. But at least that way you gave that person, and the relationship, a fair shot.
Spot on description of why dating apps are the bane of modern relationships
“Maybe dating girls is like riding a bicycle. Like, if you mess up, you could get really hurt forever, or hurt someone you really care about.”
I’m no expert but I feel like the whole “DTR” thing has been extremely over complicated. I really just don’t see how “hey would you mind maybe not banging other guys/girls?” is such a hard conversation. I think the type of articles referenced in this column are more of the problem than the conversation to be had actually is.
Disagree with any sort of arbitrary timeline…
You’re saying it’s so incredibly difficult to find love, but you’re willing to jeopardize a future with a person you really like by screwing around with other people. By not ‘DTR’ing’, you’re setting yourself up for guaranteed conflict because you are avoiding the question of “what do these feelings mean”.
In general, I like to have an idea if the person I’m sleeping with regularly, is sleeping with other people.
This seems overly complicated. Current girlfriend I was seeing like 3-4 times a week for a month I just told her one day I wasn’t interested in seeing other people, to which she replied the same. Then she gave me the “so….does this mean you’re my bf” to which I said yes I would like that. And I was someone who used to have and proclaim a 2 month rule but all these rules go out the window if you find the right person and it feels right.
Same situation here. Amazing what happens when you just communicate honestly!
I think you have to take into account what the two people do when they’re together. If all you are doing is sleeping together, chilling at each other’s places, and going out (no introductions to important people) then yeah definitely don’t rush into exclusivity.
On the other hand if you two spend quality time together (idk baseball games, museums, working out together, church etc.) and you’re hanging out with each other’s friends then maybe throwing exclusivity early isn’t too bad.
If you’re actively a part of each other’s lives and make future plans without blinking then exclusivity early isn’t bad especially if you find there is true intimacy there. If not you find out it doesn’t work, dump them, and resume the chase.
I think when you know, you know. My wife, after I had gone out with her 3 times, was talking about her boyfriend, so there ya go 🙂
Your legend just grows and grows Dave
Knowing is knowing, no timetable for it.
I’d say the sweet spot is 30 days and/or 6 dates, if you’re still unsure after that it’s probably best to move on and you have gotten the best the relationship had to offer.