My Girlfriend’s Coffee Routine Has Spiraled Out Of Control

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In a recent article posted by The Wall Street Journal, Gwyneth Paltrow states that she starts her mornings off with Brooklyn coffee that she ships to Los Angeles. This sounds high maintenance considering the fact that there’s simply no possible way that this Brooklyn coffee could taste that much noticeably different than what you’d get in L.A.

I’d complain about how frivolous this is, but that would be foolish considering I live in a world where my mornings are inundated and taken over with making one simple cup of coffee.

Let me explain.

My girlfriend, for better or worse, has bought into the “Bulletproof” coffee craze. I use “Bulletproof” because it’s a familiar term, much like you’d use “Kleenex” for tissue. We aren’t actually using their products, but we are using the methodology behind it. Where I could once make a simple cup of coffee using our Nespresso, I now find myself taking ten to fifteen minutes out of my morning to get 12-ounces of energy.

I’ve discussed this numerous times on Touching Base (iTunes and SoundCloud if you’re real), but I discussed it most recently on Episode 156 in the first few minutes. Indulge before reading this in its entirety.

Because I’d probably get shit for messing up her actual routine, I did myself a favor and asked her to describe it herself. This is the email I received in its entirety.

Start with a freshly brewed cup of coffee. My research showed that using a Chemex pour over system would yield the best coffee, but I had neither the time of patience to learn how to do pour over, so I decided to go with an Aeropress for several reasons. 1. It makes a single cup of coffee at a time. This was important because I live alone now, and don’t want to be making an entire pot of coffee for myself. 2. It’s better than a Keurig (side note: please do not try to make bulletproof coffee with coffee brewed in a Keurig, you will not achieve the same results. 3. The AeroPress is cheap.

If you don’t know, AeroPresses make a hell of a cup of coffee. But they also take a lot more effort than just grinding some beans and calling it a day. Here is a quick artsy gif to show you exactly how it’s done.

And she continued.

You will also need a kettle to make hot water in. I got this electric one and I love it. I also make tea and bulletproof matcha, and this thing heats up water quickly. I chose one that allowed me to adjust the temperature. You want to brew the coffee with water that is 175F to 180F, otherwise you risk burning the coffee.

Other items you need:

An immersion blender to blend the coffee. I use this one. (You can also use a regular blender, magic bullet, etc.)

I cannot stress to you how important these two items are when it comes to timeliness. When I’m groggy and have yet to have a cup of that oil, the last thing I want to do is handcraft some joe. These two items make it easier for one reason and one reason only: cleanliness.

The kettle? Toss some water in and pour it out when you’re done. Boom. Much easier than boiling water on the stove. And the immersion blender? Unattach that bitch and run it under the sink before haphazardly tossing it on the counter only to pick it up and use it again the next day. Using an actual blender yields the same results, but then you’re cleaning up way more than you need to. Stay away.

Now for the ingredients.

Ingredients

— High quality coffee beans – I use espresso beans. DO NOT use anything flavored or it will taste like shit. The quality of beans are really reflected in the taste, so go to your local coffee shop or grocery store and get something good. I pregrind mine so I won’t have to buy a coffee grinder as well.

— MCT Oil. If you’re just starting out, use coconut oil. If you are a pro, use Brain Octane or MCT.

— Unsalted grass-fed butter (do not use regular butter, people. This is not a drill.) Kerrygold Pure Irish butter is probably best. It looks like this.

— Or grass-fed ghee if you’re on Whole30 or can’t tolerate dairy. Personally, I think the butter holds together a little better and the ghee makes the coffee more oily.

Please keep in mind that these are just the essentials. If you don’t have these, she’ll throw the bootleg coffee in your face and call you a “peasant.” Where things really start to get ratcheted up is in the add-ins.

Add-Ins

— Collagen peptides. I put a scoop of this in my coffee every morning. It is completely flavorless, but adds protein and is good for hair/skin/nails.

— Cinnamon. I just really love cinnamon.

— Ashwagandha root. Okay, do not put this in your coffee unless you are ready for it to taste bitter. It is strong. I would go into a diatribe about why adaptogens are important to our health, but just Google it yourself. It is supposed to help with balance, stress and anxiety.

In case you go to a store and try to ask for that final ingredient, here’s how you pronounce it: ASH-WUH-GON-DUH. I know it sounds like some stop you’d make while attempting to climb Mount Everest, but it’s also something Gwyneth Paltrow probably gets flown in from, well, Mount fucking Everest.

Here’s her entire process if combining these ingredients into one.

Steps to making the coffee:

1. Brew a cup of coffee.

2. Put 1 tablespoon of butter/ghee and 1 tablespoon of MCT/coconut oil/brain octane into your blender (or into a tall cup if you are using an immersion blender).

Note on the fats: If you have never had butter coffee before, work your way up. Personally, I immediately liked the taste, but it is oily for some people. Start with a teaspoon of butter and a teaspoon of oil if needed.

Another note: DO NOT use more than the recommended dose of MCT oil/brain octane. I once accidentally put too much Brain Octane in my coffee and I thought my insides were going to explode. Brain octane is different than MCT oil (medium chain triglycerides) in that it is pure caprylic acid. Some people report feeling like they took Adderall after using Brain Octane.

If you don’t know what “medium chain triglycerides” aka MCT even do, you’re not alone. I’m a sheep when it comes to using MCT oil despite having no clue what it actually does. Sustains your energy or some shit. I’m not sure, but I assume they talk about it on Supps Dawg.

3. Pour brewed coffee into blender or cup used for blending (if using an Aeropress, I brew the coffee straight into the cup I put the fats in).

4. Add your additional ingredients. I use collagen peptides and cinnamon daily, but only add ashwagandha sometimes. I do not add any sweetener, but if you need some – now is the time to add maple or vanilla.

5. Blend, blend, blend! The coffee should turn a light brown/tan color. Almost what your coffee would look like if you added milk to your coffee. Do not skip this step. This is how you get a frothy, latte-like coffee. Otherwise, the oils from the fat just sit on top of coffee and it’s gross.

6. If you want to drink your coffee iced (I did this in the beginning because I feel like you don’t notice the oil as much), make sure to get a new cup with ice and pour the blended coffee on to the ice. If you just stick ice in the existing blended coffee instead of pouring it over ice, it tends to congeal the fats at the top, I’m not sure why.

7. Go kick ass at work.

You have to respect her dedication to the daily grind.

Most importantly, though? Her conclusion.

P.S. This is meant to be a breakfast replacement. It is high in calories and fat (and will have protein if you add peptides). I wouldn’t start drinking this daily in addition to eating a normal breakfast – you will probably get fat.

This means you can’t just drink a cup and head to work where you snag a breakfast bar from the snack cupboard. Your boy learned that the hard way. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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