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*extremely President Obama voice*
Let me be clear. Clearer than clear. This is a transparent website after all. I don’t want anyone reading this to take the title of the blog the wrong way as they so often do. I’m positive that a large majority of people who read me simply take the title of my articles out of context and rush to judgment without even thinking about reading the entire thing. That’s the problem with you damn millennials. You can’t sit still and read something longer than 180 characters (or 240 now with the new Twitter), but I’m imploring to see this blog all the way through because it’s important.
This is not a blog about bringing back your cargo shorts made by Abercrombie and Fitch from the early 2000s. That style of shorts needs to be buried six feet under for the rest of time. They were an abomination to the men’s style movement and I’m embarrassed that I ever thought they were acceptable.
This is about a much different style of cargo shorts. Recently, I re-watched Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale from Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton about bringing something back to life that was never meant to be reawakened (sort of like JNCO jeans or Pet Rocks).
Robert Muldoon is Jurassic Park’s game warden. He oversees the dinosaurs in the park, and he even expresses concern at the beginning of the movie about how making raptors wasn’t the smartest decision the park has ever made. I blame B.D. Wong’s character for making this massive error, but that’s a discussion for another blog. Muldoon is probably most well known for his famous last words, “Clever girl,” just before being mauled and eaten by a pack of raptors, but I don’t think enough credit is given to his sartorial choices throughout. Granted, he only has one outfit on, but my word it is breathtaking.
First of all, Laura Dern? What a beauty. Just an incredible talent. But let’s delve a little deeper into Muldoon’s wardrobe here. First of all, it looks like Muldoon is all about leg day. The definition is on those thighs is making me sweat a little bit and I’m not sure what to do about it.
The hat alone is something that only a smarmy, British dinosaur warden could pull off effortlessly. That’s another thing I want to make clear here. Trying to pull off Muldoon’s entire outfit is ill-advised and frankly a bit foolish. I don’t see a scenario where you could wear that sick vest out in public.
None of us can pull off this outfit in its entirety unless you’re a safari guide living in Madagascar. But the shorts are the focus because anyone with a pulse can see that this particular style of cargo short is money. The five-inch inseam is where it all starts and that’s something to keep in mind. This spring when you’re shopping for cargo shorts, make sure they fall way above the kneecap.
You want to show off those legs as much as possible, and you know what? If you want to wear the Muldoon style boots and high socks I wouldn’t be mad about it. That’s a good look. I think you’d be safe pairing the bottom half of this outfit with an oversized oxford shirt a la Call Me By Your Name.
I think cargo shorts get a bad rap nowadays because of that unfortunate Abercrombie & Fitch era that we all would prefer to erase from our teenage years. I think cargo shorts can have a comeback, but they need to be Muldoon-style cargos. I think we can make this a really fun spring and summer stylistically speaking, and it all starts with copping a pair of Muldoons. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Do you spend your entire life thinking about bad clothing?
Nobody’s gotten an HJ in cargo shorts since nam’
‘nam *
Namviet
Clothes all have a time and purpose. While fishing or hunting, yes some pants/shorts with cargo pockets are great. While golfing, a dry fit is the only choice for shirt. While lounging, an oversized long sleeve t shirt is perfect. Wearing things to simply be different or stand out doesn’t make you cool, it makes you a douche
I wish I could drink this angst in a glass with ice
Based on your reaction to being roasted by teens, I imagine the comments section has you shutting down for the week.
You got down voted so much that my vote I think broke the down vote meter
Your trolling level is starting to rival the flat-earthers.
Skip Bayless of PGP!!!!
I used to wear these in high school when I was the only virgin on the varsity basketball team.
Hard pass.
Are… Are you me?
Gonna be a no for me dog
Definitely read this in a Randy Jackson voice..
Recognize that signature?!
No.
Here’s a radical idea what if you were to wear the same shorts but without the pockets that are never going to hold anything.
The actual article was just as much of a trash take at the title implied