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“Hey dude, does this outfit make me look like a functioning member of society?”
Eric waited a good 15 seconds, arms hanging awkwardly at his sides, while his roommate finished up reading a girl’s bio on Hinge and looked up at him.
“You look like the world’s oldest choir boy, man. Either untuck your shirt or add on a blazer before I accidentally buy some Cutco knives off of you.”
Eric begrudgingly grabbed a blazer and tossed it on before heading out the door, trailing his middle finger behind him as his roommate told him to “say hi to your mom for me.” The last thing he was going to tell his mom on her birthday is that his stoner roommate “said hi.”
As his Uber pulled up to the trendy French restaurant where they had planned to meet for dinner, his excitement rose. This would be his mother’s first birthday since he had gotten his promotion at work, and for the first time in his life, he would be treating her to dinner. He knew it didn’t really matter for his mom, as she was proud of him no matter what, but he felt a certain amount of pride that he was finally able to begin to pay her back for the last twenty-four years of his life.
His excitement was short-lived, however, as he saw that his mother had arrived at the restaurant early, and not alone. She was standing by the door holding hands with a tall, middle-aged man with a style that could only be described as “Albus Dumbledore if he was the front man in a 90s grunge band.”
“Son of a bitch,” Eric thought as he waved awkwardly at the two of them. “Joel is here?”
Joel had been his mom’s boyfriend for the last several years, and Eric’s feelings towards him were complicated, to say the least. Joel taught philosophy at the local community college, had lived in a hippy commune for much of his adult life, and in his mom’s words, was “too cerebral for most people to relate with.” Eric wasn’t sure how cerebral he was, mainly due to the fact that the man was always high off his gourd, but he agreed he was difficult to relate to. However, he seemed to make his mom happy, so Eric sighed resignedly as he was told to “bring it in,” and was enveloped in a weed-scented hug. He kissed his mom on the cheek, and with a cheery “Happy birthday!” gestured for the three of them to enter the restaurant.
Despite his initial trepidation, as the appetizers were cleared out to make room for their entrees, Eric admitted that he was having a good time. The food was delicious, the wine was better, and the conversation had been smooth sailing so far. Of course, that changed in an instant as his mother brought up her favorite topic.
“Soo, honey, have you met any nice young women lately?”
Eric resisted the urge to roll his eyes and answered as truthfully as he dared.
“I’m just enjoying being single right now, mom, but as soon as I get serious with someone, you’ll be the first to know.”
His mom sighed and responded, “I know your generation is all about ‘being casual’ and ‘keeping your options open,’ but if you keep them open for too long, eventually they all start to close. I just don’t like seeing you all alone during the holidays when your brothers are all with someone.”
“Mom, let’s be honest, their girlfriends are horrible, so shouldn’t you be happy that I-”
What Eric was sure was a strong point was cut off as his mom continued over him.
“I still think you should try and work things out with Rachel. She was a good match for you, and she’s going places. I saw on Facebook that she thinking about going to grad school. Joel and I always liked her, didn’t we?
Eric’s points regarding his ex, why they didn’t work out, and why his mother really needed to unfriend her on Facebook were drowned out by Joel’s drawn-out voice. “Goddamn it,” he thought. “Time for a classic Joel-style rambling monologue that’s going to make no sense to anyone without a gram of THC in their blood.”
“Kiddo, I think you should listen to your mother,” Joel began. “The truth is that we’re all just humans bouncing around the vast emptiness of this universe, and if you find someone whose path you’re drawn to, you do whatever you can to continue your journeys together. When I saw you and Rachel together, your chakras were clearly aligned. Since you’ve broken up, you’ve seemed lost. Love is the binding force in the universe, and although it’s made to be spread with as many people as possible, it’s also important to share it with those who are most important. Go to Rachel. Share your love with her as fiercely and as often as your body allows.”
Eric’s face slowly relaxed from the disgusted frown it had been in for the last minute as he slowly digested everything that had spewed from his mother’s boyfriend’s mouth. He didn’t like the hippy-babble he had just heard. He didn’t like that he had been called “kiddo,” despite first meeting Joel when he was 21. He definitely didn’t like the knowing glance his mother had shared with Joel when he mentioned “spreading his love with as many people as possible.”
Slowly, he gathered his thoughts and responded.
“Uhh, thanks, Joel. I appreciate both of you taking such an interest in my dating life. I also liked Rachel, but we’re no longer together and I’m moving forward. Mom, I promise I will not end up as a 40-year-old man single living in your basement.”
His mom smiled and placed her hand on his as she spoke.
“Oh, I know you won’t honey. I just worry! That’s what moms do. If you want me to talk to Rachel for you, just let me know. She wished me a happy birthday on Facebook this morning, isn’t that sweet?”
“She did what?” Eric blurted out, causing other tables to turn towards him. He contained himself and started over, this time with a grin on his face.
“Mom, I love you, but let me be as clear as possible. If you message Rachel trying to get us back together, I’m going to find one of those hackers you’re so scared of and pay them to delete your Facebook. Now can we please stop talking about my ex and celebrate your birthday? We’ll get them to put some candles in a Crème Brûlée for dessert.” .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
My mother offers the opposite advice: “you’re so young, don’t try to settle down now there’s too many people to date”. I think she’s remembering her time in the 70s fondly..
Tell your mom “Sup?”
I would have 100% ruined the entire dinner if my moms boyfriend called me “kiddo”. Props to Eric for having some self control
Yea if hippie man hits you with “kiddo” you kind of have to flip the table over and walk out.
I thank god every time I sit down with my family the extent of relationship talk goes “Been on any dates lately?”… Response … “Oh nice, that sounds fun.”
Hey Joel, thanks for the advice, but you can fuck right off champ
I will only hang out with my parents now if my nephew is around. The kid is 5 months old and is cute and shit so it makes a good distraction from my singleness
We are living the same life. Sup?
Maybe, we should figure this out over draft beers at a dive bar.
Let me know whenever you’re in Ohio. First rounds on me.
Nick, your writing is really growing on me. Keep up the good work
brb, getting this comment framed for my wall.
Joel’s probably the plug for his colleagues at the college. Saving marriages one eighth at a time.
Everytime dating is brought up in conversation between me and my mom, she tells me the same story about going on a bad lunch date with some guy 40+ years ago. I think she says it to make me feel better, but when I’ve heard it a minimum of 6 times, the effect kind of wears off.
it was only a bad lunch bc chipotle didn’t exist
Bet Joel and the mom are sharing their love as fiercely and as often as their bodies allow
So, like, every other Friday, and maybe something special on their anniversary and/or birthday?
You know hippies still get it on way into their 70s. So Eric is probably aware they are still getting it on.
Joel would teach philosophy.