6 Things You Weren’t Supposed To Know Happen At Bachelorette Parties

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If there’s one thing girls dream about just as much, if not more than their weddings (or the girl they hate suddenly losing all of her hair, gaining 50 pounds, and developing adult acne), it’s their bachelorette parties. Forcing all of their frenemies to shell out $1,000+ to spend a weekend drinking vodka out of penis straws is pretty much heaven. And while, thanks to Instagram and our incessant need for validation, basically the entire weekend is documented for all to see, there are a few highlights we tend to put our phones down for and casually forget to mention to our SOs waiting for us at home.

Ex Talk

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: One of the most prominent things girls talk about at bachelorette parties are their exes. And I’m not saying we compliment how well you executed your classic move of 7 minutes of missionary before passing out. I’m talking about all of those things you’d hope we’d never tell anyone. About that time you got caught texting some slutty girl from your bio lab and the time you cried after losing fantasy football. We’ve discussed your penis, your sex moves, and your weird relationship with your mom in painful detail over a box of Chardonnay and some late-night pizza at each and every bach party we go to. The truth hurts, huh?

Lots Of Stalking

As soon as a name comes up, every single girl in the group is going to pull out their phones and ask for his/her handles. We’ll go through your Facebook, your Instagram, and your Twitter, thoroughly discussing all of your photos, posts, and dumb movie quotes until someone deems you a dick and we toss you away like the bread on top of our sandwiches. This isn’t limited to just you, either. We’ll check out your ex-girlfriend, your siblings, and that girl you hooked up with once at Library. Nothing about you or your social media presence is safe.

Drugs

Hey, if there was ever a time to partake in a little Huffle-puff-puff pass, or snort something off of someone’s abs, this is it. I’m not saying every girl or every party does it. But I’m also not not saying that either.

Shameless Flirting

The whole point of bachelorette parties is to soak up as much attention as possible. That’s why we gather our hottest friends, go to the drunkest cities in the nation, and parade around, literally, in matching, skanky outfits. Our goal? To feed our egos while getting free everything. While most of the time cheating doesn’t happen (just like at bachelor parties, right?!), teetering on the line of “would he be okay with this?” is most of the fun. I’m talking flirting for shots, some awkward grinding, and giving out the occasional, hopefully fake, number or two. You know what they say: All’s fair in love and free drinks.

Lap Dances

The truth is, bachelorette parties started because girls felt bad about being left out when guys got to go be wild on their “last flight before getting tied down and wondering if they’re ever going to have sex again.” (To be honest, I don’t know if that’s the truth, but that’s my belief.) Sure, bachelorette parties are fun. Expensive, exhausting, and dramatic, but fun all the same.

But a group of girls going to a strip club, whether male or female, is very different than a group of guys. While there’s always the one promiscuous girl who actually gets turned on, everyone else just squeals and eventually secretly scrolls through Instagram until the limo comes to pick them up. Still, since the boys get lap dances, the girls will as well. On the plus side, she’s either getting dry-humped by a hot ass girl, or by a gay guy, so either way, you’re fine.

Naked Pillow Fights

You know how it goes. A whole bunch of drunk girls in their twenties come back to their Airbnb after their first night out in a party town. They strip off their sweaty, matching tank tops inscribed with “Bride Tribe,” and grab fresh bottles of Pinot Grigio from the fridge. Someone puts on Spotify, a solid ’90s playlist, and girls in various stages of undress start jumping on the bed with little regard for the wine spilling on the duvet because fuck it, they didn’t put down the security deposit.

Someone grabs a pillow to dance with, and the next thing you know, feathers are flying everywhere as the down pillows are slamming down on their toned, tanned bodies. Chests heaving, they eventually collapse into a pile on the bed, laughing and cuddling, until one of the more bold ones finally makes her move. She wants this to be a night they’ll remember, so she tucks a strand of hair behind the bride’s ear, leans ever so slowly closer…

Pervs. Just kidding on this last one. Or am I?!?!?!.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

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