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The last decade or so has been a gauntlet. My finances have been strained. My feet have been battered. I’ve explained my job to people I’ll never see again about a million of times. I’ve woken up on dozens of hotel room floors and fallen in love with several bridesmaids only to find out they had a fiance who was out of town that weekend. I’ve been to Vegas, Scottsdale, New Orleans, Orlando and Austin for bachelor parties. Each year has been planned around nuptials and booze-fueled weekends in party towns.
Which is why I am happy to report that I do not have any weddings or bachelor parties to go to in 2018.
We’re now fully into February 2018 and I have not received a single save-the-date for Wedding Season 2018.
I love all of my friends and family. They are awesome. I’ve celebrated a life’s worth of new lives. I’ve been treated like royalty just because I was 6th on the groomsmen depth chart. Dined on the finest filets and baby vegetables. I’ve eaten more cake and done the YMCA more than I care to admit. I love wedding season, but by the time mid-June rolls around, I’m straight up exhausted.
Does this make me a loser with no friends? No. I’m pretty sure it makes me a millionaire now. I am gonna be swimming in it. Scrooge McDuck style. Believe me, I have no problem throwing down a grand or two on airfare, new suit, hotel and wedding gift for a dear friend and their soon to be spouse a few times a year.
What I also have no problem with is keeping all that money for myself because money is awesome. Gonna be great. I’m going to Disney World. Might just go by myself. Stay at the Grand Floridian. Treat myself. Surely no one will cast a judging eye on the solo 30-year-old strolling down Main Street USA.
I’m sure the gauntlet will fire back up eventually. Some cousins and fraternity brothers will continue taking the plunge and I’ll gladly attend, Visa gift card in tow, ready to cut a rug and drink all their booze…right?
Not gonna lie. It feels pretty liberating. But it’s also terrifying. Right now, I’m in the doldrums of winter. The days are cold and short. Sports suck right now. I’m sure that first 70-degree day is gonna hit me right in the face come March and I’m gonna stare longingly at my suits and tux, still wrapped up in cellophane from the dry cleaners. Distant echoes of “Shout” will ring in my head and I’ll undoubtedly feel a twinge of FOMO deep in my gut. I’m feeling it right now.
Now I’m in a full-fledged panic. Is this part of my life just over now? Will I ever taste wedding cake again? Will I ever give a half-drunk speech at a rehearsal dinner that brings the house down? Will I ever be on the receiving end of a knowing “I guess he’s the most decent looking single guy here” gaze from a bridesmaid? I need to ride the lightning one more time. This is not turning out the way I thought it was going to.
Goddammit, I spiked the ball on the one. This spring is gonna suck. Weddings are awesome. Someone throw something together real quick. Doesn’t even have to be that nice. Rent out a casino ballroom and hire a high school kid to play Earth, Wind and Fire all night. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into? Anyone up for a boys trip to Nashville? South Beach, maybe? God, please. Anything to make me feel alive. Someone take this medium amount of money I’ll save. It won’t truly make me happy.
What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE? .
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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You’ll be getting that save the date from Willy D soon enough, player
I think I would like weddings more if I wasn’t constantly the only single person at them.
1. Request “Mustang Sally”
2. Set your drink down
3. Use your tie to pull yourself to the center of the dance floor
4. Bust out every one of Kevin James’ moves from “Hitch”
You’re no longer single, congrats on the sex.
Just gonna take a quick snap, save that one for later, got some moves to learn
Being single is the way to shine at a wedding.. Every (straight) single girl is looking for a decent looking man to spend the night with
Those cease to exist at weddings once you hit about 28
You guys are miss understanding me. When I say I’m the only single person their. I literally mean I’m the only person male or female over the age of 18 single at the wedding. This has been the case for the last four weddings I’ve been too.
I think everyone assumes that every wedding is a bunch of mid-20’s people who are friends of the bride and groom when in reality the majority of weddings are family and close friends so there isn’t as high of a chance of single people.
Sup?
Yeah not really sure why all the negativity with being single at a wedding is coming from lately when everyone at weddings are looking to hook up. Just stay loose and throw out a fun vibe.
Suh bih
I am staring down the barrel of 6 out of town weddings, where none of them are within driving distance and 2 of them are destination weddings (see ya in Mexico Will).
I am scared to look at my CC bill the next couple months.
You’d better protect your cabeza
Oh, don’t you worry, a whole new monster is going to emerge. Pregnancy / Baby related parties. It is the time sink without any of the fun.
Are you expected to travel out of town for these?
My opinion is if you are in an active group chat with someone, you need to show up for one major baby related event for that person.
As some probably know, we have a new baby Rico in our house, and if any of my friends bought a plane ticket to Houston for his first birthday I’d have them detained by TSA at their departure airport to keep them from having to attend the party. Only required travel is from the godfather/mother for the Christening.
Yes, but usually it’s only women who are expected to attend. I’ve eaten a lot of pink and blue food-colored sheet cake in the past few years.
Maybe you’ll get lucky like me and have a friend who gets engaged in May and married in September.
When’s she due?
Think of it as you get to choose how your vacation days are spent
Only benefit to not having many friends. I’ve been to 3 weddings in the last 4 years.
I was in this boat last year for the first time in my 6 years of postgrad life, and buddy it was awful. Thankfully I’m staring down the barrel of a b-party in April where we’ll be staying at a snug little Airbnb right on the San Marcos River. My loins are quivering with excitement.
Bachelor party in Orlando? You probably spent the entire time sitting in traffic/parking.
Disney World three day park pass. Just off the property at a massive Airbnb. It was phenomenal. Highly recommend splash mountain to cure a hangover.