Stop Giving Names To Weird Dating Behavior

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Flexting. Cricketing. Masterwaiting. Ghostbusting. Deadspooning. Serendipidating. Crashativity. Fauxbae’ing. Salesforcing. Beanstalking.

Those are ten made up words. Five of them I just made up, and the other five I just read an article about in a reputable-ish online news publication. Can you guess which ones are “real” new dating trends, and which five I just made up while taking a shit? I’ll give you a second to ponder which ones are “real” trends.

While you think on those, let me bitch for a minute. Can we just fucking stop naming weird dating behavior? “Ghosting” was fine. I’ll give you ghosting. But we have to come up with a term for literally every odd behavior you may encounter in 21st Century dating? Cushioning? Phubbing? Let’s just give it a fucking rest. I’ve had enough.

What is it about our generation that necessitates we label everything. And everything is so. fucking. detailed. “Friend with benefits” versus someone you’re “talking to” versus someone you’re “exclusive” with versus someone who’s your girlfriend versus someone who’s your “fiancée” or “wife.” (Okay, maybe it’s okay to label someone your fiance).

It just bottles my mind that we have to assign some sort of definition to anything that anyone finds slightly abnormal in terms of dating behavior. Does anyone even use these worlds in real life? Like, I’m not sitting at the bar with some buddies over a few beers and lamenting the fact that some girl I was schtupping has been “beanstalking” me. (That’s one of the words I made up, spoiler alert). Y’all ready to learn which ones are “real” dating trends?

Per NY Post:

Dating in the 21st century is a minefield – and singles have to put up with an ever-growing list of dating “trends” that are ruining relationships up and down the country.

Seventy percent of people are guilty of “phubbing” their partner off — ignoring them to look at their phones — while if you receive sporadic but suggestive text messages, it could be a sign that you’re getting “breadcrumbed.”

Then, for the insecure (or serial cheats) there’s “cushioning,” which is the practice of making sure you have some “insurance” on the side in case your relationship goes sour.

And who can forget the delightful trend of “ghosting,” when someone suddenly cuts all ties and communication with the person they’ve been seeing.

Now there’s five more brutal dating trends to get your head around.

Sharing tips to navigate these tricky new trends, dating expert Shannon Smith, of Plenty Of Fish, told Business Insider: “[They] can often be avoided by communicating clearly with someone we’re dating, and being mindful of our tech manners.”

1. Flexting
This is when a man or women boasts about themselves online to impress their date.

It occurs before the first meeting and men tend to do it more than women.

Forty seven percent of singletons have been “flexted,” according to Plenty Of Fish.

2. Cricketing
No, this is nothing to do with Freddie Flintoff.

Cricketing is when people deliberately leave a text message on “read” for longer than is necessary.

It some cases it can take days (even weeks) for the other person to reply.

3. Ghostbusting
Ghostbusting is when a person continues to contact someone who is ignoring them.

Seventy eight percent of singletons have been the victim of ghosting.

4. Serendipidating
This means putting off a date in the hope something better comes along.

With apps such as Tinder it’s easy to meet other people — and lots of them.

5. Fauxbae’ing
Fauxbae’ing is when a singleton pretends to have a partner on social media.

People usually do it to try and make their ex jealous.

These are all ricockulous. The fact that all this schtick is labeled really makes me smh irl. Let’s do a little bit of a deep dive.

First up, flexting. Before you meet someone, you brag a little bit about yourself via text. Ummmm, that’s just called highlighting your best attributes. It’s been part of dating since the beginning of time. If you’re not trying to impress a potential mate, you’re not trying. Flexting? Please. That’s just called “texting” and only talking about the things that make you cool, and ignoring the fact that you’re $100K in debt and have a below-average body when naked.

“Cricketing.” I can’t figure out exactly why it’s called what it is, but it’s when you read-receipt looney tunes keep someone on read. Which, yes, it’s annoying, it’s very Jedi Mind Trick-y, but sometimes people forget to text back. What makes a text any different than an email? It’s a message. It allows you to contemplate your next message. If you’re annoyed that you’re stuck on read, why don’t you double text, or *gasp* call?! Just do it.

Ghostbusting doesn’t really need a need a name, but I like this one. I like calling someone out for ghosting. I’ve done it before, I’ll probably do it again. It’s exhilarating.

Serendipidating, what the fuckkkk is that? Look, I love the movie Serendipity so I thought maybe this is when you vet someone you’re potentially into by writing your number in a used version of Love in the Time of Cholera and hoping it finds its way into the hands of your potential over a decade later, but instead, it’s literally just not dating until you meet someone better than the person you’re putting off the date with. No shit? Isn’t that just dating and breaking up with someone because they’re not that great? If you weren’t waiting for someone better, you’d just be settling. Maybe our generation thinks there’s always someone better, because we have access to soooo many more potential mates (via online dating),

And how about fauxbae’ing?! That shit is some psychotic ex-girlfriend stuff. But actually, it’s brilliant. It’s the only way to win a breakup. My last breakup I hired an Instagram model for $2000 to take a bunch of couple-y photos with me and plastered them all over my Instagram. And that’s how I met your mother! .

[Via NY Post]

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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