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LinkedIn is a necessary evil. If you’re on the job hunt or unemployed it’s a lifeline to recruiters and potential employers. If you’re gainfully employed and in a client-facing role, it becomes the standard, albeit below average way to network and connect with prospects. And just like every other social media platform out there, people take themselves very seriously on LinkedIn.
Everybody has a helpful tale that teaches their network valuable lessons that should be shared with others. Recruiters are quick to offer tips and tricks for the job application process. Influencers and heads of companies like to share anecdotes from their career journey to help others get to where they are today. Every single one of them is full of complete horseshit.
Let’s take a look at some of these shit shovers shall we?
The Failure
Sorry Tenita, it doesn’t sound like you “killed the interview” after all.
But thanks for the bullshit “lessons” you learned from it!#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/nx7cJjJck1
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 18, 2018
These are the folks who just haven’t been able to punch the ball across the goal line. They’ve gotten close on different opportunities… hell on a few occasions they were the perfect candidate for the job (in their opinion)! They just haven’t quite been able to get it together. But don’t let the fact that they have achieved literally nothing stop you from letting them give you some valuable advice. If you listen to it, maybe one day you can even end up where they are: nowhere!
Wow Adam, you know what?
You’re the Best. Thanks for being so Open with us here at the Exclusive club we call #bestoflinkedin
h/t: @TedInPittsburgh pic.twitter.com/ASx1SqGlKl
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 18, 2018
This guy or girl has been in the recruiting game since before you had ever heard the term “General Studies major”. And they’ve done it. They’ve cracked the formula. They know exactly how to find the perfect candidates to fit their randomly assigned job recs and they’re here to share it with YOU. How lucky do you feel? Especially because they’re offering words of encouragement from a position that seems a lot like a sales role but it isn’t a sales role. They need you to take the job but they want it to be a perfect fit for your career. They’ll get fired if they don’t make 3 placements this quarter but they’re working on behalf of you, they swear.
The Storyteller
Hey Johnny, you’re either dumb or full of shit – I don’t know which is worse#bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/FF8ke7zpbY
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 18, 2018
This is the group of English majors who wound up having to take desk jobs in order to buy their Spaghetti-Os.They still fashion themselves as writers and boy, do they have some tales to tell. But no story would be impactful enough for the incredible prose featured on LinkedIn’s homepage! So more often than not, those tales become tall tales (I’d better avoid those rough handball courts the next time I’m in Fresno.)
Here’s what I learned in my 20’s Gabe:
1. Relationships don’t matter
2. Most problems can be avoided by not saying anything
3. Don’t talk to anybody
4. Lie
5. Be yourself but yourself if you starred in your own TV showThanks for the lessons though #bestoflinkedin pic.twitter.com/vMEapyRzOO
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 18, 2018
All of 26 years old, this young man or woman was offered a full time position at the company where they interned their senior year of college. Over the course of four years they worked their way to a middle management position and now greener pastures are calling their name and they’re changing companies for a significant (12%) salary bump. They’re wise beyond their years because they’ve experienced so much corporate life in the one department of the one company they’ve ever worked for. And they’re happy to share what they’ve learned with you, without any prompting. They consider themselves “influencers” but the only thing they’re influencing is my decision to never move back to my hometown.
The Liar
This 🙏🏻 Did🙏🏻 Not🙏🏻 Happen🙏🏻#bestofLinkedin pic.twitter.com/VSMR1MQzah
— The “Best” of Linkedin (@BestofLinkedin) January 18, 2018
Then there are these assholes whose “inspirational” stories are so full of holes and convenient machinations that you can’t help but hate them with the fire of a thousand tacos. The demented narcissists who’ve rapidly risen to the top of their companies or field and think they’re still able to relate to the rest of us bitter assholes on LinkedIn who are there because we have to be. The worst part is that since LinkedIn is not anonymous this person will be praised and commended for sharing such “insightful” and “motivating” words, further perpetuating their narrow minded nattering. I’m not even blurring out this guy’s name or company.
Those transparent media companies whose podcasts, daily articles and clothing line are second to none. The talent they bring to the LinkedIn network, especially their remote writers, are worthy of every award in media, entertainment and comedy.
(puckering noise)
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Make sure to follow the “Best” of Linkedin Twitter account and send your screenshots of the cringe inducing Linkedin posts you encounter with the hashtag #bestoflinkedin!.
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Thank God you made this.
It’s time for something like this to finally exist.
For too long, LinkedIn’s bullshit and circlejerking has gone without reprisal.
It plagues all of our feeds.
It makes us question who we’re linked to, and if they’re worth it anymore.
It causes us to judge what people are liking on something that ostensibly is supposed to be more professional than Facebook.
This is the game-changer the world needs right now.
We’re due for a paradigm change.
#bethechangeyouwishtoseeintheworld #entrepreneur #ithinkthisisinstagramandineedtospamhashtags
This has the potential to be an amazing series.
Perhaps I’m just jaded from previous unemployment experiences, but LinkedIn is just about the most useless website in existence.
LinkedIn is only useful so your resume shows up first on a Google search instead of your Myspace from 6th grade
Or your mugshot.
They said I couldn’t do it.
They were right. I didn’t actually provide value to a real company.
So I started a worthless “marketing” company so that I could add CEO to my profile.
Now that this LinkedIn post has been shared I will add “Influencer”.
-LinkedIn user, probably.
I’m definitely no expert on LinkedIn but my two cents after searching for a job for 6 months on there:
1. You’re not going to get hired by Goldman or JPM by applying on LinkedIn
2. You’re really not going to get any job with a whole lot of value by applying on LinkedIn
3. Any job you do get invited to interview for is more times than not a complete BS pyramid scheme-y sales job spearheaded by people like some of the goons in this article
4. It’s a great way to make connections with potential employers but usually that’s where it all ends
5. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more to get a job than just sitting on LinkedIn applying for “Investment Analyst I” positions via the “easy apply” feature
6. It’s damn hard to get a job so if it seems too good to be true, it is
Leveraging connections through actual human interaction is the way to get a job. LinkedIn is just a resource for folks to think they’re doing something productive and “networking” when it actually is quite valueless and a waste of time. But hey, whatever sells those Herbalife sups!
Disclaimer: I have no grounds to opine on this subject other than I wasted my time on LinkedIn for 6 months thinking it might actually work — it didn’t.
TL;DR: LinkedIn seems pretty valueless if you’re actually looking to make real moves.
I’m job hunting right now and I avoid Linked In the the plague just because of this shit
Same. I absolutely refuse to get one, and every time I hear, “it’s the only way to get a job nowadays,” it just hardens my resolve.
“People always told me I could do whatever I wanted growing up.
Then when I started fairly mediocre at stuff, people saw me as a threat and would try to pin me down with their critical opinions and words.
I never listened because I usually had my headphones on.
I did everything in the gradual, lurking “progression” of society: Piece of paper from high school, more expensive piece of Better paper stock from college, job that pays enough to come back the following day, another job that afforded me the ability to shop at Whole Foods once in awhile.
I worked and worked and worked all while my health benefits slid, my 401k was minuscule and I was able to sort of afford my mortgage sized student debt payment.
Moral of the story is: hard work pays off (not it doesn’t) and the sooner you accept never being able to afford retirement, the happier you’ll be” lol
Its all about maxing out that employer match- its literally free money that allows you to not die at your desk.
Maybe im just jaded by being a faceless number in a huge company but I get annoyed when I see some 24 yr old claiming to be some senior position at their made up company or some company of them and their mom om weekends. Youre not special, stroking your egos dick online is a BAD look. Youre average, just like the rest of us, and you won’t go anywhere until you realize youre average and learn how average people get things done
I was at a networking event today and was talking to someone who told me thier title was “Director of Sales”. She was about 26. I felt like shit (Senior Associate here) and she told me about this “start up” she worked at. Turns out they are “revolutionizing the way people get to work” via a large ride sharing app. I didnt have the balls to tell her that her company invented the bus. Wish I did
The comments on these types of posts are always a gold mine