Five People Who Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Faked Punts And Fat Raccoons

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As the case has been far too many times recently, it feels so trivial to sit in my bed writing a sarcastic Monday morning column as something tragically unfolds on a Sunday night. So before I get into my regular snark, my thoughts and prayers are with the people of the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas.

‘ello from London, mates! I honestly don’t have much to say about my weekend as one whole day of it was spent flying and the other day of it was spent trying not to fall asleep so I can get on the right time schedule so I can be a functional human on my first visit to the London outpost of my new company. But while I spent a relatively lowkey weekend in the United Kingdom, some other people weren’t as lucky.

Australians

I’ve always wanted to go to the land down under, but after reading the results of a new report on the nation’s sexual health, I won’t be letting anyone there explore my land down under.

In the Annual Surveillance Report On HIV, Viral Hepatitis And Sexually Transmissible Infections, Australian health experts noted a big increase in gonorrhea cases in the nation’s population, from 62 to 101 infections per 100,000 people, or a jump of 63%. In 2016 alone, more than 23,800 new cases of gonorrhea were diagnosed, with about 75% of them were among men. If you live in one of the country’s big cities, matters are even worse: infection rates there saw a 99% increase between 2012 and 2016; among women in cities, there was a 126% increase compared with a 43% rise among all Australian women.

Yep, I’m thinking no sex if I ever make it to Australia is the way to go, because an STD is definitely not the kind of souvenir I want to bring home. [via CNN]

These United Passengers

The flight between Boston and London is about 6.5 hours long, and I must admit that, as usual, I got a little twitchy around hour five. So I can’t imagine if I had gotten myself psyched up for the 14 hour flight between Beijing and Washington, DC only to have to turn around 3 hours in, which is what happened on Friday night.

The United Airlines flight took off from Beijing Capital International Airport at 7 p.m. on Friday but was forced to turn back after “a customer initiated an altercation with a member of the flight crew, causing a safety concern,” according to United Airlines’ director of corporate communications Frank Benenati.

After the plane landed at the same airport it departed from three hours later, the flight’s passengers were booked rooms at area hotels, given meal vouchers, and rebooked on a flight the next day. As for the troublesome passenger, he or she was removed from the plane without incident, which is more than some other people can say this year. Right, David Dao? [via People]

Leonard Fournette

What do you do when you’re crushing the NFL season, rushing for a sixth-place 596 yards and scoring seven touchdowns in six games? Get yourself benched for a completely ridiculous reason, of course.

According to a statement from Jacksonville Jaguars coach Doug Marrone on Sunday, “Leonard Fournette is not playing in today’s game due to an infraction of a team rule. This has been addressed internally and further details will not be made public.”

Rumor has it that part of the reason that Fournette was deactivated for the game against the Bengals was that he missed the Jaguars’ team photo on Oct. 24. Moron.

Also having a bad weekend? My friend and fellow PGP writer, who has Fournette on her PGP Writers Fantasy Team. I certainly feel worse for Tina than I do for Fournette – she’s the one suffering because he couldn’t be bothered to show up for the NFL equivalent of school picture day. [via ESPN]

Ohio State

There isn’t really a better way to describe Iowa’s rout of no. 6 Ohio State than this headline from SBNation: The most humiliating play from Iowa’s humiliation of Ohio State came from 1950s backyard football.

The play in question.

Isn’t much to say after that, is there? [via SBNation]

This Raccoon

First, the poor guy get himself mocked on Facebook when he got his fat ass struck in sewer drain in Zion, IL.

And now he is the subject of a million basic girl tweets. Case in point:

Raccoon eats too much, gets stuck in suburban sewer grate: Police https://t.co/0AxNwJKubj pic.twitter.com/RRSTzmdh55

— NBC Chicago (@nbcchicago) November 3, 2017

[via Daily Mail] .

Image via IanC66 / Shutterstock.com

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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