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The rapport you get through text messages has evolved to the point where texting can completely replace conversation in a lot of instances. Anyone who says differently simply isn’t a modern man about town. Phone calls are reserved for deaths, emergencies, or for when you just don’t feel like exchanging that fifth email in a row when everything could get settled with a two-minute conversation.
But with the highs of a good texting relationship come lows. Texting isn’t all goody-goody gumdrops. Sometimes you have to send a message. And when sending that message, you’re literally sending a message. Take a second to comprehend that.
This is how it’s done.
“???”
Text messaging has pretty much ruined the courting process altogether, but the real victim of that entire nightmare is the dreaded double text. Double texting is pretty much telling someone you have herpes or $100,000 in student loan debt for your undergrad. If you want to just absolutely wreak of desperation, send a couple back-to-back flyer texts and see how that works out.
The most aggressive possible double text you can send? The “???” after you ask a question. You just got straight up ignored but you’ve reached the point where you just absolutely need an answer with every fiber of your being. It’s you saying, “Hey, uh, still here, bud. Answer my fucking question.” You know, without actually saying that.
Aggression Level: Reckless.
“Hey.”
The texting equivalent of using a customer service rep’s first name after they introduce themselves on the phone. The moment you hear someone say, “Hey, Christopher, I’m having a problem with my account,” you know Christopher’s about to get poured out before having to default to his manager who already hates him.
The simple “Hey.” means you’ve got something to say, but you want to keep that person walking on broken glass until they find out. And not in the Annie Lennox way. I’m talking the “go to the hospital because you’re profusely bleeding” way.
Aggression Level: Someone’s day’s about to get ruined.
“Read at 10:34 p.m.”
Outside of Apple implementing iMessage, Read Receipts have emerged as the biggest development in texting. What can probably be attributed to Blackberry’s BBM feature has now completely changed the texting – and dating – game forever.
Tired of responding? Leave them on read. Forget to respond? Leave them on read and make them wonder what they said wrong. Want to completely exile someone from your life and make them question their entire existence? Leave. them. on. read.
Aggression Level: You don’t know who you’re dealing with.
Emphasizing your own text.
Heart. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. Ha ha. !!. ?. Only iPhone users will understand this. Emphasizing your own text that hasn’t been responded to is the 2017 version of sending “???”
Didn’t get an answer to your question? Hit them with those question marks. Feel like your text didn’t get enough love the first time around? Toss those exclamations on there. Really trying to drive home how much you hate something someone said? Downvote your own response and send them to the doghouse with their tail between their legs.
Aggression Level: Feeling yourself.
“[Name] has left the conversation.”
The golden goose of passive-aggressive text behavior. Publicly leaving a group text and notifying the group that you did so is just posterizing everyone in your friend group, letting them know, “Hey, I could have better friends if I wanted to.” You don’t have time for the drivel their firing off at a rapid clip, so you Irish Exit the text conversation leaving that notification in the dust with them.
Aggression Level: I literally hate all of you to the point where even seeing a text notification light up on my phone ruins my day. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Just ‘ha’. The cuntiest way to portray laughter.
I’m a double to triple texter. My thoughts come rapidly and disjointed, and I will not censor myself for your approval. Also kinda ADD.
Sup?
I think it’s acceptable-ish if they’re rapid fire. I think what Will was referring to was when they’re spaced apart and you’re hungry for an answer
That first sentence is real tough to get through, Will.
Track changes one time for me, Ruff.
Second one is even harder.
You know what? I hope you enjoy a delicious, moderately priced, fast-casual lunch followed by an afternoon of PGP racking up page views and merch sales, then go home to play fetch with that adorable puppy of yours while you sip a cool beverage on your patio.
I like you, Rico.
Glad “k” wasn’t included. If you aren’t over the age of 50 and are still responding to friends and loved ones with “k”, you deserve to be blasted into the sun because your aggression rivals that of a rattlesnake.
#1 is “Ok.” After someone sends a short paragraph addressing something serious.
This is best used when you start typing a long reply and then just scrap it and go with “ok”. The recipient is watching the typing indicator going on and on while they are preparing themselves for a well thought response and then SYYYYKKEE
Worse to me after a painstakingly written (on my part) paragraph: “k”. Like you couldn’t even take the effort for two letters, really?
“Double texting is pretty much telling someone you have herpes or $100,000 in student loan debt for your undergrad”
Damn throwing that shade at Steph
If you want to induce anxiety similar to “Hey,” just text someone’s first name. It brings back memories of your parents calling you right before you got in trouble.
I hit my mom with the “???” double text anytime she tries to ignore me…which she’s probably doing because I ask her questions that any grown adult should know the answer too. Sorry idk how long that leftover chicken will stay good and google is a bag mixed answers.
If it isn’t moldy, it’s still good as long as you nuke, bake, or boil it.
If it’s in the freezer, it’s good forever
No one listen to this man unless you want to projectile from both ends
I’m guilty of all of these. I’m not proud of it, but at the same time I’m not NOT proud.
Where does AFK or BRB stand?
Back in 2006 where AIM died.