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Cold calls and cold emails are annoying. But, as we learned on the latest Dudes Doing Business podcast, they are an essential tool for salespeople. You gotta get yourself out there. It’s a numbers game. Insert additional cliche here. I get it.
As a super-important, well-known member of a thriving start-up in the glamourous tech destination of Austin, I receive a fair number of inquiries. Today when I opened my inbox, one email really piqued my interest.
Check out this fuckin’ cheesy trash email:
Hi Micah,
Still haven’t heard back from you regarding [Company Name redacted], which is why I am assuming one of the scenarios below:
1. You have gone off the grid and sworn off all technology.
2. You are having the vacation of a lifetime in an exotic place with no access to the Internet.
3. Your phone was eaten by a mountain lion and don’t know what to write on the insurance claims form.In any case, I haven’t lost hope in connecting with you to discuss how (redacted) can impact your ongoing productivity at Grandex. Do let me know when would be a good time to connect with you!
Thanks in advance,
[Name redacted] | [Title redacted]
Click Here To Schedule A Time On My Calendar
[redacted]
+1 (415) [redacted]
[redacted]
San Francisco, CA 94105 USA
How does [redacted] expect me to reply to this? “lol haha great email [redacted]! Let’s touch base this afternoon!”
Who does this email appeal to? Who says, “This is the kinda joker I want to do business with”?
You haven’t heard back from me because your product doesn’t work for us. I’m very much on the grid, I don’t take vacation, and if my phone was eaten by a mountain lion, my first concern probably wouldn’t be insurance claim forms. Try harder next time, cheesedick. .
Want to learn how to do some real business? Subscribe to Dudes Doing Business on iTunes or listen to the latest episode below. This week we talked with staffing and recruiting professional George Faber about his industry, the biggest mistakes millennials make at the office, and more.
Respond
let the man eat.
Gotta respect the link to his calendar in the signature. Schedule something for 930pm on a Friday. Cancel at 8:45.
Oh this is evil and petty. I love it
it Micah has transitioned from bananas to eating cheesedicks like this for breakfast.
You should just send him a link to this article.
I imagine by day this guy sits in a closet and pushes emails like this for slightly above minimum wage and by night he eats dinners he can’t afford and uses hashtags like #elite and #dealcloser and #businessasusual on his shitty filtered Instagram posts
A $35K millionaire.
I remember when it was “$30k Millionaire”. Amazing how inflation has taken its toll.
Thanks, Obama.
Probably with his sweet Iphone 4.
4s*
He’s just a dude doing business. Give him a chance to earn yours.
Cheesedick is one of my favorite insults
This man is clearly not a closer. # DCONation
I’m almost positive I’ve received the same or a similar type of email from someone, which makes me think it’s a template that comes with a marketing automation company that integrates with Salesforce.
How is this man, relying on hail mary e-mails, affording to live in San Francisco?