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It’s 6:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night and I have just arrived home from work. The suit I’ve been wearing all day hasn’t been dry cleaned in over a month, and when it’s this hot outside you can tell. A day of walking around in the elements standing shoulder to shoulder with people on busy train cars and on the street has taken it’s toll.
The sweat from previous times you’ve worn this suit mixed with today’s fresh batch of body odor comes together to make a unique stew.
It’s rotten and sweet and the feeling I get from finally being able to take it off is almost orgasmic. There aren’t many feelings quite as good as taking off a pair of trousers after a long day in the cubicle.
By 6:30 p.m. I’ve had a snack and I have finally finished the laborious task that is lacing up my running shoes. It’s time for a workout. I step out from my air conditioned brownstone and the hot air from outside feels like a warm bath.
Almost instantaneously I begin to sweat again, and with my pre-loaded running playlist, I begin my light jog around the neighborhood.
Ten minutes into the run and I’m pouring sweat again just like I was earlier in the day with that goddamn suit on.
I haven’t had anything to drink since last Saturday night and it feels good to not feel alcohol seeping out of my pores. Twenty minutes into the run and I begin to ask myself why I decided to go on this jog in the first place. I could have just went to the gym and done this on a treadmill.
Deep in my subconscious though I know exactly why I went on a run outside. I decided an outdoor run would be nice despite the fact that the humidity is close to 100% and the temperature is hovering around 80 degrees.
I wanted to be seen. Oh, yes. It was hard to admit it to myself when I started to think about why I run outside but it’s true.
Terrell Owens said it best when he screamed, “I love me some me.” We’re all full of ourselves whether we admit it or not. And if you don’t love yourself that’s a whole other problem.
Human beings are vain by nature. It’s only natural to stand in front of a mirror and say things to yourself like “goddamn, I look good” or “sup.”
You can sit there all day long and tell me that you enjoy running outside because of the health benefits you read about in a magazine at your dentist’s office but I won’t believe you.
The pain in your knees from running on pavement feels good to you, right? The shin splints, shortness of breath, and feeling like you could collapse from heat exhaustion at any moment?
That’s why you’re running outside killing yourself every week? Bullshit.
Cut the crap, man. Girls and guys alike run outside to give off a free sample. It’s a peep show and you’re the star. We go running outside because we want people to stare at us.
That’s why I run outside after work and that’s why you do too. It feels good to finally admit that. I mean look at that asshole in the picture for this article. You think that maniac went out on a jog because he wanted to? Hell no. He wanted girls to look at that sick windbreaker and debate internally about whether or not he has a girlfriend.
I actually loathe running and working out in general, but I do it three or four times a week because 1. people-watching is one of my favorite sports and I can do it freely when I’m jogging on pavement and 2. I can show off the goods for random passersby.
Let’s just stop with the facade and be real. We’re all egomaniacs and that’s okay. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
It’s 6 O’clock on a saturday
The regular Duda shuffles in
There’s a runner jogging next to me
making love to his Instagram feed
He says son can you pour me an Ultra
I’m not really sure what it costs
But it’s beer for athletes
and I’ll drink it complete
when I wear a running mans clothes
LA LA LA DI DI DA LA LA DI DI DA DA DA
Write us a piece you’re the Duda man,
write us a piece today
and we’re all in the mood for a hot take
and you’ve got us feeling alright
Now Duda at PGP is a friend of mine
He gives me fashion advice for free
And he’s quick with a column or to light up your feed
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
…….*harmonica noises*……….
And the comment section sounds like a carnival
Duda’s clothes smell like a beer
But he runs and is seen his satisfaction’s complete
He says I know what I’m doing here
Write us a piece you’re the Duda man,
write us a piece today
and we’re all in the mood for a hot take
and you’ve got us feeling alright
Fin.
I respect the fact that this took at least 11 minutes to post and you stuck with it.
That was divine
I think my favorite part of that whole beautiful piece was you sneaking fin and it’s not so subtle double meaning in at the end
Jesus Christ, dude. Clean your damn clothes.
dry cleaning is expensive man
I hear ya, but you gotta bite the bullet. Buy a few suits and wear em 1-2x a week, dry cleaning them once a month for $50 total. It sucks but that’s basically a couple of drinks so that you don’t smell like sweat.
You can usually get cheap suits at Jos. A Bank or Men’s Wearhouse.
Other options that help if you run hot: take off the jacket, roll up your sleeves, get shirts/underwear with some performance fabric that help keep you cool.
Also buy high quality wool suits that a tailor makes you. The fabric is naturally wicking and they can do cutaways and such on the inside to reduce the amount of fabric and heat that’s trapped.
I would definitely not dry clean your suits that much. It’s too hard on the fabric and will lead to you wearing them out way faster. You should get them dry cleaned every 3 months at maximum. Wear an undershirt if you sweat that much, I do and I do, and don’t wear them back to back and you’ll likely be fine.
Could always buy a Swash home dry cleaning machine.
https://www.swash.com/products/swash-10-minute-clothing-care-system
Oh look it’s Bill Nye being condescending to another PGP author
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black…
That’s okay, I think someone peed in his coffee again.
He really should set up cameras or something.
Ah look, ATL being a dickhead troll.
I run outside so I can use MapMyRun to track my progress, to take in some fresh air, and to allow my dog to run alongside me for some exercise — none of these things of which are possible on a treadmill.
You think I run outside because I like showing off my pattern baldness and how out of shape I am? You’re wrong.
Came here to say this. Also, sometimes there’s nothing like a good rain run or running into the sunset. Treadmill running is awful.
I actually hate running inside, staring at the same spot for a half hour to an hour drives me nuts and I run faster outdoors. However, I do love people watching while running.
Treadmill running blows. End of story
Duda probably jogs in XL basketball shorts, a cutoff, and Nike Shox, and calls himself a runner.
He definitely wears shorts above the knee
If you don’t wear shorts above the knee, you don’t close deals
Can confirm when I saw Duda at the beach on Sunday his trunks were hella short
The main reason I run outside is I can’t quit whenever I want. If I run 2 miles, then I gotta run 2 more to get home. Treadmills are too easy to say “fuck it” and be done early.
I run outside because you can’t get to the bar when you run on a treadmill.
Lol 80 degrees
Mall walking is the new jogging. Gotta keep those calves tight.