A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 5 Of “The Bachelorette,” Part II

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For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the latest episode.

Alright folks. Here we are, yet again. Remember when I said I was giddy at the prospect of four hours of Bachelorette goodness this week? I retract that statement. Four hours of this shit is too damn much, especially because this episode was about as enjoyable as walking in on your parents having sex. This week brought us the conclusion of Kenny and Lee’s two-on-one date, a Rose Ceremony, two one-on-one dates, a group date, and another Rose Ceremony. Let’s break it down:

Dumb and Dumber Kenny and Lee, Continued

This episode starts by replaying Kenny’s unnecessarily slow descent down the hill after his second conversation with Rachel, walking towards Lee while laughing maniacally. Once he reaches the bottom of the hill, he looks at Lee and says, “It must feel terrible that you have to lie all the time! You told this woman that I tried to violently pull you out of the van?” Lee denies this. Kenny doesn’t let it go. “If anything between us had ever gotten physical, you would bear the scars of that exchange, I guarantee you that.” I think Lee already has some emotional scars that are causing him to act out and be a total piece of shit, and at this point, I wouldn’t hate it if he ended up with a few physical ones to go along with it. In fact, I’d pop some popcorn for that little adventure.

“Listen Kenny,” Lee starts. “Rachel is a good Christian woman, and if she’s okay with the way that you treat me, then that’s her choice.” Why are we bringing religion into this? I’m uncomfortable. Kenny isn’t having any of that business either. “You know what Lee? Jesus doesn’t love you, because you’re a piece of shit. I want to drag my nuts across your grave, you fucking piece of garbage.” Same, TBH.

Before the dudes can throw out any more threats, Rachel comes back and sits down between then. Blessed be the peacemakers, right? She looks at each of them, disappointment filling her eyes to the brim – both at the producers at ABC for saddling her with these two asshats and herself for signing up for this clown show. “You guys know that trust is something that is really important to me. I’ve been going over and over this in my head, and you have told me two very different versions of the same very embarrassing story. What it comes down to is which of you I believe.” Who will it be? I pray to Chris Harrison that her answer with be neither of them. On her island, Olivia screams the same prayer to the heavens.

Rachel picks up the rose from the table and twirls it between her fingers. She takes a deep breath, sighs, and says “Lee, I just can’t trust you, and because of that I’m going to send you home. Also, the producers showed me your Twitter account like 15 minutes ago, so on your way out, if you could kindly go fuck yourself, that’d be great. Racist prick.”

With that, Rachel turns to Kenny. “Kenny, I appreciate your honesty, even though when it comes to being emotional, you are a huge pussy. Also, just because I’m sending Lee home doesn’t mean that you’re safe. I’m not going to give you the rose just yet, so you better work, bitch.”

With his impending exile, Lee throws a Hail Mary. “Hey Rachel, just so you know, like 30 seconds ago Kenny told me he hoped I would fucking die and that he wanted to drag his nuts on my grave.” Rachel ponders for a moment. With a twinkle in her eyes, she replies, “Actually, I’ve got an even better idea!” She looks to the sky, tossing her weave back and as she cups her hands around her mouth. “O FACE!” she screams. “He’s all yours, girl.”

Lee looks confused as he watches Rachel and Kenny walk hand-in-hand back to the chopper. On the way back, Kenny continues to bitch about Lee. This dude does not know when to shut the fuck up and thank his lucky stars that his ass gets to stick around. As Rachel gets in the chopper, Kenny decides he wants to have one last conversation with Lee. I’m sure this will end well. Fucking idiot.

“Just so you know,” Kenny screams at Lee. “I did not threaten you. Saying that I want to drag my nuts on your grave means you’re already dead. I didn’t say that I wanted to kill you. I just said that once you were dead I was going to teabag your corpse’s final resting place.” Lee calmly sips his whiskey. From the chopper, Rachel shouts at Kenny. “Hey dude – in a few seconds you’re not going to want to be standing there. I’m kind of annoyed that I’m sitting in a helicopter alone, but believe me when I say you do not want to be a part of what’s about to happen.” Heeding her cryptic warning, Kenny jogs back to the chopper and the couple departs, leaving Lee on the banks of the fjord looking like a real dickweed.

Back on her island, Olivia lets loose a wild shriek. “It’s finally time! Come to mama, you little bitch.” She unhinges her jaw, expanding her already cavernous mouth to new and terrifying proportions and begins to inhale, first slowly but rapidly and steadily gaining power. Within moments, hurricane force winds are coursing into her trap; it’s as if she’s a hot version of Kirby trying to suck down God himself. Within mere seconds, Lee feels a slight breeze at his back coming from the fjord. It startles him, and as he turns around to look across the water, he feels it growing ever stronger. He takes a step closer to the water, but stops abruptly as his whiskey glass flies from his hand and sails into the dark water. Instead of seeing ripples spread across the surface of the lake, a small whirlpool begins to form. “What the actual fuck?” Lee whispers. Like a true idiot, he takes another step closer, and as soon as his boot leaves the Earth, the suction generated by O Face’s gaping maw overpower gravity, sucking him through her transatlantic vortex, claiming yet another two-on-one date reject as her own prey.

For the evening portion of their date, Rachel and Kenny go to chill back in Rachel’s room at the Holiday Inn. As soon as Kenny sits down, Rachel hits Kenny with a question. “So, after I sent Lee home, why did you have to go back and keep talking to him?” His answer, and the entire subsequent conversation was so stupid that I can’t even bring myself to recount it. The TL;DR version of the time ABC forced us to waste on it was that Rachel scolded Kenny for wasting time with the Lee bullshit while telling him she really likes him. “There’s something about Kenny that I just trust, and I’ve never doubted he’s on this journey for me,” Rachel tells the camera. With that, she gives him the date rose, they make out, and I continue to wait for the part of the season where Kenny gets punched in the face and starts bleeding.

Rose Ceremony

Kenny, Bryan, and Will have roses. The remaining six go to:

– Dean – Sweet, precious, simple Dean
– Eric – It’s okay for his name to be in Rachel’s mouth. Actually, there probably other things he’d like to have in Rachel’s mouth.
– Peter – If he doesn’t win, he better be the next Bachelor. I’m saying it, and I mean it.
– Alex – Trump Mother Russia approves.
– Adam – SHOCK THE WORLD
– Matt – Again, SHOCK THE WORLD

This means that we are saying goodbye to both Anthony and Josiah. The entire time leading up to this poin in the Rose Ceremony, the camera kept cutting away to interviews with Josiah. Over and over, he emphasizes how confident he was that he would be the last man standing at the end of this season, and if Rachel didn’t give him a rose, there was something wrong with her brain. Big tree fall hard.

Licking the wounds of his rejection, Josiah uses his exit interview to continue to display his massive ego. He tells the camera that Rachel has poor judgment if she thinks that she has a better shot at a lasting relationship with a KGB agent (Alex), or a dude who brings a doll to the mansion. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – one of Josiah’s words at the spelling bee should have been “butthurt.” I’ll even use it in a sentence. “When Josiah got sent home on The Bachelorette, he was very butthurt.”

While Anthony took his rejection like a man, Eric felt the need to chime in on camera about Rachel’s decisions as well. “Oh look, another two black guys that she sent home.” Is this something that Eric is secretly keeping a very close tabs on? Does he have a pie chart next to his bed where he updates the racial makeup of remaining contestant every week? Make like Elsa and let it go, dude.

After Anthony and Josiah leave, Rachel toasts to the remaining dudes and tells them to pack their bags. Next stop, Copenhagen.

One-on-One Date with Eric

Eric get the first one-on-one date this week, and the date card reads, “I am cOPEN to love!” I’ll be honest, friends. I can’t stand Eric. With every fiber of my being, I can’t stand Eric. Every single thing he says makes me want to simultaneously rip my ears off and gauge my eyes out because I’d rather Helen Keller my way through life than be subjected to any more of his bullshit. Am I being clear enough?

The date starts in typical, braggadocios Eric fashion. He tells the camera, “This entire season, we’ve been building momentum. I’m hoping to gain on that today and maybe have a little bit more of an intimate connection later tonight!” Does this dude really think he’s going to get it in? Come on man, she’s not Kaitlyn Bristowe.

They walk around Copenhagen, and to be honest I ignore most of what’s going on, because frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I continue on in blissful ignorance until they get in one of those floating hot tub things. When I was in Amsterdam last year, I looked into renting one of those things those things, because what says vacation more than getting lit in a hot tub that’s floating down a canal for everyone to see. Turns out those fuckers cost like five hundo for three hours, and we were still trying to ball on a budget, so I’m jealous that they get to do this on ABC’s dime. I feel better when some dude stands up and shows Eric his dick, because you know that absolutely ruined his afternoon. Rachel laughs it off and tells Eric that it’s his turn. Eric does not participate in the showing of the penises, and instead continues to sit in the hot tub and make me dislike him more and more with each passing second.

After their hot tub cruise, Rachel and Eric go to Tivoli, which is apparently the second most visited amusement park in the world. They ride some rides, play some carnival games, and after the third time that Eric tried to fingerbang her on the Tilt-a-Whirl, Rachel decides it’s time for dinner. As they stare into each other’s eyes over their uneaten food, Rachel asks Eric more about his childhood. He launches into a five minute tale of how his mother never loved him, and because of that, he’s always run away from love. Alright, that’s pretty messed up, and I try to care. I really, really do, but I just cannot. He tells her that he’s falling for her, even though he’s not entirely sure what that even means because he’s never been in love before. It’s weird, but apparently Rachel is into it. Whatever. He gets the rose and joy abounds.

Sidenote: He’s the type a dude who wears a dress shirt without a tie but still keeps the top button buttoned, which just continues to fuel my rage towards him.

Viking Group Date

This weeks group date goes to Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Peter, Matt, and Adam. The entire date is kind of rushed, and it probably also doesn’t help this was another portion of the episode I had to rewatch because it bored me to sleep. ABC is really sacrificing quality for quantity this week, and if we’re being honest, there wasn’t much room to sacrifice any quality.

Rachel loads the dudes up into a Viking ship and makes them row like they’re trying to find Iceland or Canada or some other frigid destination. If I were these dudes, I’d be a little pissed about having to do manual labor in the cold when I could instead be sipping drinks out of a coconut on a Thai beach somewhere. Eventually they reach their destination and all jump of the boat like they’re about to conquer a foreign land or beat the shit out of some people on the way to the electronics section of an Alabama Wal-Mart on Black Friday. As they storm the beach, they happen upon two dudes LARPing. If you don’t know what LARPing is, congratulations on being cooler than me, and also do yourself a favor and watch Role Models. The two dudes they find are named Tom and Morton, and it turns out that they are Viking fighting instructors, which I learned in that moment was a real thing. For context, Tom looks and sounds oddly like the shopkeeper from Frozen, which makes me love him. I’d slip him twenty to yell “BIG SUMMER BLOWOUT!” because I have a feeling that would be more entertaining than what we’re about to watch.

My suspicion is quickly proven to be correct. Tom and Morton have the dudes dress up in Viking gear, and Rachel says all they all look very regal in their new outfits. It’s a lie, they all look like fucking peasants. Tom tells the group that they’re going to play a game called “grease stick.” Dean shifts nervously. He pulls Morton to the side and says, “Look man, I played that in college like once, maybe twice, but I swear it was only because I was drunk! I’m not into that anymore.”

Turns out that to play grease stick, all you actually have to do is hold on to the end of a peg and try to get it from your opponent. Rachel takes on all the dudes in this game (one at a time, not all at once – you pervs). I don’t exactly understand how you win the game, but it seems like Rachel emerged victorious most, if not every time. The next game involved all of the dudes getting in a huddle with their backs to each other and then trying to push everyone out of the circle without using their arms. Instead of any organized sport, it just turned into the dudes rubbing their asses on each other while trying to stay inside the game arena. Seriously, what the hell are we watching?

At the end of these dumb games, Tom picks Kenny and Adam as the standouts thus far. Their reward? They get to fight each other for more time with Rachel. It’s a plot twist everyone saw coming. Armed with shields and fake swords, Kenny and Adam go to town on each other. Their swords, like their penises thus far this season, go largely unused. Instead they bludgeon each other with their shields. Apparently these defensive weapons can be deadly because both Adam and Kenny emerge from the fight with bleeding faces.

Are you fucking kidding me? Kenny’s disaster that we have been promised this entire season is because Adam smacked him in the face with a Viking shield? This wedding is horseshit. Tom and Morton call some medics over and they clean up Adam and Kenny and give them a fresh pair of tampons. Kenny ended up as the winner and I don’t care. I want my money back. Actually, forget that. I want my time and my sleep back.

They finish off the date with a cocktail party. Standard. Rachel starts the festivities with a toast saying, “Here’s to you guys pillaging my feelings and raiding my heart.” I don’t know how I feel about this. It’s just weird enough to be kind of sexual and it’s just sexual enough to be kind weird.

Bryan grabs Rachel first. They make out. I’m bored. I would say that Bryan uses a more appropriate amount of tongue, but that would be a lie. The only noteworthy moment from their conversation (and by that I mean something that we haven’t seen before) is that Rachel asks Bryan an important question. Her voice barely above a whisper, Rachel looks at him and asks, “Is your family going to be accepting?” Rachel hinted at this during Nick’s season – she specifically asked if he’d ever brought a black girl home to meet his family. He said no, but given that he’s from Wisconsin, that’s probably not entirely his fault. However in in this situation it seems that Rachel is already planning on giving Bryan a hometown date if she’s asking about his family’s reaction to a biracial relationship.

Peter talks to Rachel next and tells her that she has inspired him to look into the future. She says, “So I am your muse?” That’s a little presumptuous. He just said that he was thinking about the future: he never said anything about any inspiration or shit like that. They talk, she mounts him, the show goes on. The majority of the rest of the date is spent on Rachel’s conversation with Kenny. It’s pretty obvious that there is a definite connection between the two of them – at least they both want there to be a connection. However, with everything that happened with Lee, Rachel and Kenny have just fallen behind where she’s at with some of the other dudes. Because of that and because Kenny has a daughter at home, Rachael decides to send Kenny home. They are both upset but it seems like it’s a pretty mutual decision. I’m just pissed that we spent so much of this damn season on Kenny for him to go out like this. Whatever. Maybe he’ll shack up with Amanda in Paradise.

Rachel returns to the other dudes, tells them she sent Kenny home, and tosses a rose at Peter before dipping the fuck out.

One-On-One Date with Will

I didn’t really catch what Will’s date card said, and by this point of the episode I just brushed it off. They’re on a date and we’re about to figure out what they’ll be doing anyway. They start their date by hopping on a ferry to Sweden, where they mill around some random city. “I love the architecture here!” Rachel exclaims. “That statue is so romantic!” That statue is covered in bird shit, Rachel. Do you want your love to be covered in bird shit?

You guys, this date was so boring. I attempted to watch it three times and fell asleep during the first two passes. Basically, Rachel seems like she’s super into Will, but she isn’t vibing that he didn’t throw her up against the wall of the castle they visited to make sweet, sweet, Swedish love to her right then and there. These fears are confirmed at dinner, when Will tells her that in relationships, he’s a very passionate person. Rachel chokes on her beer a little bit. “Passionate?” she sputters, clearing the last few drops of lager from her trachea. “I guess I can see it. You did hold my hand for part of our date.” Will doesn’t stop there. “Also,” he tells Rachel, “I usually date white girls.”

I’m not going to say that’s why Rachel didn’t give Will the rose and instead sent him packing, but it certainly didn’t help him salvage this dud of a date. Although thing may not have worked out with Rachel, I have a feeling Will is about to have his pick of the white girls on BIP.

Rose Ceremony

Eric and Peter already have roses. The remaining four go to

– Bryan – Good hands, bad tongue.
– Dean – He’s too pretty to go home yet
– Matt – Seriously? The bald penguin is in contention for Hometowns? Not really, but his survival is still impressive.
– Adam – Did he offer Adam Jr as a blood sacrifice to make it this far? I cannot believe he’s still around.

With that, Rachel sends Alex home, leaving us with her final six suitors. Next week, Rachel has to decide which four of these dudes will be bringing home their first television girlfriend on Hometown dates, which is always endlessly entertaining. See you then..

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