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Alright folks. This week brings us two two-hour episodes of The Bachelorette, which makes me ridiculously excited, as well as extremely embarrassed about how excited I am, about how the sheer volume of content ABC is jamming down our collective throats. Every moment of my free time this week will be devoted to devouring this shit. This week brings us the conclusion of last week’s
dramatic overhyped cocktail party, two one-on-one dates, a group date, and the beginning of this season’s epic two-on-one date showdown. Let’s break it down.
Group Date Cocktease Party, Part II
This week’s episode begins where we left off last week; Rachel and the dudes are at the most prestigious South Carolina Yacht Club, trying to enjoy a nice cocktail party; however, Kenny and Lee are about to fuck that up for everyone. After Kenny’s conversation with Rachel, he asked Lee to step outside on the veranda for a nice little chat. As they stepped outside, Eric tells the camera, “Oh yeah, Lee and Kenny previously had some kind of altercation, probably because their names were in each other’s mouths. Did you hear me? Names. In. Mouths.”
Once Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Racist were outside, ABC blueballs us and cuts to Rachel and Bryan sitting
in a tree on a sailboat. Bryan tells Rachel that he think she’s too good to be true; previously she had said the same thing about him. He tells her that there’s one simple solution to that apparent dilemma: that they are simply a perfect match. One time on vacation I drove an hour out of my way to visit a cheese factory, and that line was still too much for me. He goes on to say that he wants to fall in love and have a family at the end of this process, which is also what she wants and he truly sees them ending up together. This would have all been perfect had he not kissed her. Bryan tells her that he has blind faith that they will work out in the end, and that he’s all in and isn’t going to stop. After he says this he leans into kiss her – when he says he’s not going to stop, based on his kissing technique, I’m not sure if he means that he’s not going to stop pursuing her or he’s not going to stop kissing her until his tongue makes its way to her asshole. Homeboy is seriously deep in there; I’m not sure what they teach in chiropractic school, but I don’t think he’s doing it right.
The camera flashes back to Kenny and Lee. Kenny tells Lee that he feels that he was painted as some sort of aggressor, which frustrates him. Lee tries to interrupt Kenny continually, to which Kenny interjects, “Please Lee, Please Lee, Please Lee…” In my head I say something similar, except it’s actually “Please leave, please leave, please leave my television forever, both of you, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!” Kenny tells Lee that he thinks he’s a disingenuous snake, which is actually one of the better insults I’ve heard on this show. Along with “garbage clowns,” my derisive repertoire is expanding rapidly the season. Obviously, none of these guys were in fraternities in college, otherwise they’d know that in this situation you would simply look each other in the eye and say, “I fucking hate you, brother,” shotgun a beer, and move on with your life. On the flipside, if these ingrates were capable of that we wouldn’t have a show to watch.
As the argument continues, Will watches from inside the yacht club. He comments to the camera, “The pointing is getting very aggressive!” I don’t know if he’s referring to Kenny and Lee or his burgeoning erection, brought to life by the display of testosterone outside. Lee tells Kenny, “Bro, I have no doubt that you are a stack of bleeding muscle right now.” I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Kenny continues to speak, but Lee simply waves his hand and walks back inside, leaving Kenny alone. As he leaves, Kenny waves back and shouts, “Bye snakey!” and comments “Look what a bitch does when a bitch gets confronted! He just walks away!” I’m pissed. Chris Harrison promised me blood. There has been no blood. I have blood on my shoes from work but that’s not the kind of blood I want to see right now. Am I not entertained? No, I am not entertained!
Mercifully, Rachel returns before this game of slapdick got any more flaccid. She grabs the group date rose and says some nice shit before giving it to Bryan. No surprise there, given he made it to fifth base with his tongue seven minutes ago. I wonder if Josiah knows how to spell “butthurt,” because that’s how he looks right now.
After Rachel leaves, Kenny congratulates Bryan on getting the rose in front of the group. He tells them, “Bryan is a classy dude who’s doing it right – he’s not letting any bitchassness get in the way.” I’ll be honest, I haven’t been Kenny’s biggest fan up until this point, but he knows his way around a backhanded compliment like nobody’s business. His simultaneous congratulations of Bryan while reminding the group what a shitbag Lee is was nothing short of genius. If he offered a master class in throwing shade your boy Crick name on the list.
Lee is less impressed then me, and as soon as Kenny finishes, Lee looks at him and blurts out “Fuck you.” Kenny doesn’t take the bait. He asks Lee, “Are you going to go cry to Rachel about me being aggressive again? I’m not being aggressive! I’m insulting you as a man!” Most of the next sentence is bleeped out, but I’m fairly certain it has something to do with Kenny saying he wants to lay his balls on Lee’s chin. To emphasize that he’s not aggressive, he starts to simply whisper, “Lee, you’re a bitch!” over and over. Y’all, this is fucking awesome. This is some serious middle school back of the bus taunting shit and I am all about it. While this chapter of Lee and Kenny’s bitchfight may be over, the saga is definitely not yet complete. My loins are tingling with anticipation.
One-on-One Date with Jack Stone
Jack Stone tells the camera, “I’ve been waiting for this moment since the first, or maybe second, second I stepped into the house!” Yeah man, I’ve always wanted to go on a date in Bluffton, South Carolina, too. Dream big.
Rachel and Jack Stone’s date begins with a horse drawn carriage ride. I am already over it. We quickly learned the Jack Stone is not the type of person to have inside thoughts as everything he said seems to be a constant stream of consciousness word vomit of shit I don’t care about. I think Rachel and I are on the same page because within the first 30 seconds of this date, her body language already says she is not feeling it. Again, we have gone from Goodyear Blimp OTPHJs to leaving room for Jesus in horse drawn carriage.
After they depart from their carriage ride, preventing ABC from beating yet another dead horse of stupid date ideas, they head to a “Shucking and Shagging” festival, which appears to be some sort of oyster-centric event. At the rate this date is going Rachel is going to need to eat all of the oysters for her to feel any sort of tingling in her nether bits towards Jack Stone. It’s honestly rare for it to be so apparent so quickly that a date is going down in flames.
Up to this point in the season, Jack has gotten a medium amount of screen time, as if the producers were trying to peg him as a frontrunner without giving too much information away. While this is certainly an impressive sleight of hand, the real masterpiece of the producers’ deception is the fact that they’ve managed to hide the fact that Jack Stone looks like a psychotic murderer at all times. Remember that date last season in the haunted house outside of New Orleans with that creepy, possessed doll? If the Devil peaced out of Georgia and slid over to New Orleans, buttfucked that doll, their demon bastard child would be Jack Stone. The only option for his parentage is that he’s the spawn of Adam Levine and Wednesday Addams, possessed by Zul during some Ghostbusters fan fic fever dream. It’s chilling.
Jack Stone and Rachel try to learn some dance at this festival. This goes about as well as Eric’s attempt to spell facade last week. Rachel tells the camera, “On paper, we are the perfect match. But right now, my panties are so dry they make the Sahara desert look like the set of Waterworld.”
Once they leave their failed attempt at dancing behind, Rachel and Jack Stone make their way down to the beach. Jack tells the camera, “The whole time I’m with Rachel, I can’t stop thinking about kissing her.” At the same time, Rachel scans the beach, willing herself to remember any possible tips she may have gained from the six episodes of 1000 Ways to Die that she’s seen that may help her get out of this situation. Honestly if this gets much worse, I think Rachel may switch teams and give us the first lesbian season of The Bachelorette. It’s 2017, let’s fucking rage.
This unbearably awkward exchange continues as Jack intertwines his fingers with Rachel’s as they circle around each other on the beach, with Jack Stone attempting to pull Rachel closer. Simultaneously, she attempts to gracefully pirouette away from him; however, he manages to gingerly peck her on the lips. He tries to go in for a deeper kiss, but Rachel keeps backing away but with their interlocked digits her escape only continues to pull Jack Stone along with her. He keeps trying to kiss her and she keeps trying to escape culminating in her telling him “I’m okay” and pulling him in to a hug and burying her face in his shoulder, leaving him to kiss her hair instead. This is the human embodiment of the uncomfortable Chrissy Teigen meme, and for a moment I wish I could transport myself into a Homer Simpson gif and disappear into those bushes forever.
Meanwhile back at the dude ranch, Lee tries to wrangle Will into some shit talking. Lee keeps trying to get Will to agree that Kenny has been acting aggressively towards him until Will finally says what everyone has been thinking in his slow, methodical, Barack Obama drawl. “Listen man, when you call Kenny aggressive, there are some definite racial undertones associated with that. I’d like to think that you’re not intentionally tapping into that, but it’s definitely a phrase that can be triggering.” There’s a moment of silence as Lee walks away. “Yeah, bitch! Walk away!” I imagine Jesse Pinkman yelling.
We are transported back to Rachel and Jack Stone as they to go to dinner to continue their descent to hell in a handbasket. They toast to shucking and shagging for the first time, and as they click their champagne glasses, I vomit in my mouth. Rachel tells the camera, “Today for me was not just about exploring Bluffton. It was also about exploring Jack Stone. I found that similar to Bluffton, there’s not a whole hell of a lot going on with him.”
The final nail in Jack’s already tightly shut coffin was placed when he told Rachel that he wished he could whisk her away and take her back to their mutual hometown of Dallas. She played into this fantasy for a moment, asking him if we went back to Dallas, what would they do? Jack lowers his already protrusive forehead and smiles quietly at her as if he were planning to eat her for dinner later with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. “Honestly,” he replies. “I think I’d just like to lay in bed and talk.” What a vagine.
Rachel finally had enough. She tells the camera, “Yeah that sounds like my nightmare.” Without mincing words, Rachel breaks the news to a completely oblivious Jack Stone. She tells him that she’s just not feeling the romantic connection with him that she needs, and because of that she can’t give him a rose. For the first time on this date Jack Stone sits in stunned silence. My eardrums and my soul breathe a sigh of relief.
Rachel cancels the cocktail party. Sphincters tighten all around.
Dean and Bryan already have roses. The remaining ten go to:
– Eric – The rose is in his hand
– Peter – Salt and peppered, gap toothed demigod
– Adam – Chris Harrison plays “Stayin Alive” as he accepts his rose
– Will – But really, is Barry O. bored and just recording voiceovers for ABC?
– Matt – Bald penguin
– Alex – In mother Russia, you can have brains and brawn
– Josiah – Merp
– Kenny – Can’t go home with unresolved drama
– Lee – Ready to rumble
This means that we say goodbye to Dr. Tickle Monster Jonathan and bitch ass
Icky Iggy. During his exit interview, Iggy tells the camera, “Oh fuck, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about so much shit about those other guys and like talked to Rachel instead!” He goes on to tell the camera he so disappointed in himself but he’s not nearly as disappointed as he’s going to be when he sees what a bitch the producers make him out to be.
We find out that the group’s next destination is Oslo, Norway. Wheels up, dickholes.
One-on-One Date with Bryan
Immediately upon arriving in Norway, Rachel shows up to the dudes’ room and tells them there’s a one-on-one starting immediately. She grabs Bryan by the taint and drags him out of the room. He gets the “explore the city” date, which is usually pretty shitty, although Rachel told Nick last season that it’s her favorite type of thing to do. Rachel tells the camera, “I have to see if we can go deeper, if we can have that emotional connection today.” To test their emotional connection, they begin by taking public transportation in a foreign city where they do not speak the language. As stupid as that sounds, if you can get through that shit you can get through anything. The only thing that would makie this more exciting is if that bus took them across the border into Sweden and dumped them at the mothership of all IKEAs and made them assemble furniture until their frustration manifested itself physically by either beating each other with a shelf from a Hemnes or by making ferocious, splintery love on top of the unboxed and unassembled carnage of the shitty furniture.
Rachel takes Bryan to the Olympic ski jump which boasts the best view in Oslo. I’ve been to the ski jump in Park City, Utah, and that shit is both high and steep. I’m not normally afraid of heights, but dear God, I was clutching onto anything solid to keep from accidentally slipping and rolling to my death. I would’ve inevitably shit my pants in the process of tumbling to my doom so that would just be unfortunate and embarrassing for everyone involved. Thankfully I survived that ordeal. Let’s see if Bryan and Rachel will be so lucky.
Just kidding – they have to rappel down. As they start their descent, Rachel loses the ability to make words and simply starts squealing incoherently. They take a break to dangle in midair and kiss sensually. I think they are mistaking how tightly their harnesses are cinched around their junk for feelings of arousal.
Rachel tells Bryan when she’s with him, she’s trying to sabotage things and find something wrong with him. This is definitely something people normally do in healthy relationships. She finally cuts through the bullshit of why she keeps saying that Bryan is too good to be true. She tells the camera, “Let’s be real – he’s 37, he’s well educated, he has a good job, but he’s still single. There has to be a catch.” Yeah, she’s right. Maybe he’s all right except for one thing. Maybe he just has one little teeny weenie problem. Who knows?
As Rachel and Bryan go to the dinner portion of date, Rachel tells the camera that she’s worried about putting herself out there for fear that her feelings won’t be reciprocated, which is always a sign that the Bachelorette is super into a guy. They tend to forget that they have all the power during this season.
Eventually, Bryan tells her that he’s falling in love with her, and while it’s way too soon to say that, she’s super into it. He gets the date rose and tells the camera that he could see Rachel being his best friend for a lifetime, and as wonderful as it sounds, I can’t help but wonder if this is this is a set up for heartbreak.
Regardless, their post-dinner activities include sneaking into a grotto and aggressively assaulting each other’s faces. Bryan tries to gingerly run his hands through Rachel’s hair but quickly realizes that his fingers are instead stuck in her weave. He gives up on trying to untangle himself and instead backs into a pillar where they continue their heavy petting
Good Hands Group Date
The next date card reads, “I’m looking for a guy who’s good with his hands” and is addressed to Adam, Dean, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, and Eric and Josiah, meaning that Kenny and Lee have a two on one date
This group date destination is a gymnasium in Norway that looks like it belongs on the set of D2. The are a bunch of Viking looking bros playing handball, a game with which I am not completely familiar; however, it appears to be an aggressive and homoerotic version of soccer mixed with basketball and dodgeball where you throw the ball with your hands instead of your feet while wearing spandex.
Rachel introduces the dudes to Coach Tom who has coached world-class handball teams. He looks at these shitheads with total disappointment and ponders the exact wrong decisions that led him to this moment in his career. He tells them that handball is life. I feel sad for Coach Tom.
After their coaching session, the dude suit up in singlets to scrimmage. There is only one reason that Rachel would encourage these outfits: dong outlines. Mama got a taste of what she wanted to see on Ellen, but the season is halfway over and it’s time to start making some tough decisions. As the dudes begin to play, their professional Norwegian counterparts sit on the sidelines watching them with even less enthusiasm than if they were watching a WNBA preseason game.
As the game continues, Peter is the only dude who successfully manages to turn a contact sport into a playful game of grabass. (Sidenote: Peter has a lot more tattoos than I expected. He’s got some weird Jack Shephard vibes going on and I want to know more of the story.) Josiah looks over at Peter and Rachel and his trouser snake deflates because he sees that he is not the first dude who Rachel wants to mount like Seabiscuit.
Is the game nears its end, Will kicks it into high gear and start slinging balls like he’s in an 80s porno. Rachel is impressed saying he reminds her of Jordan in the ‘97 NBA finals. Somebody’s going to get a little twerking action on the next block out, methinks. The game ends with Rachel’s team winning, and she is carried off the court like a queen atop her sweaty harem of men.
After everyone washes the ball sweat off of them, the crew heads to yet another cocktail party. Rachel tells the camera that tonight she wants the guys to woo her, and she needs to know where they each stand. She talks to Will first and he’s like, “Hey I’m really into you, and I don’t want to get left behind.” She tells him, “I was really impressed by the way you toss those balls, let’s go make out in a corner.” Groundbreaking stuff, folks.
Alex reads her letters that he’s written and it is so painful that Rachel cannot help but put her mouth over his to silence the words coming out of it. Matt also took an approach similar to that of a teenage girl and crafted song lyrics on to some sort of fabric to give to her. I think I liked him better in the penguin costume. As the conversations continue Rachel tells the camera, “I don’t see how tonight can go wrong!” Then she sits down with Josiah.
Josiah tells her, “Your beauty just radiates from your core.” If there is a God, I hope he smites me in the next three seconds before I have to listen to whatever fuckery he is about to come out of his mouth next. I brace myself momentarily and remain unsmote. Josiah goes on to tell her that his own father told his mother on their second date that God put it on his heart that they would be married. Oh sweet baby Jesus, please make this stop. Josiah lightly pets Rachel shoulder as he tells her the story and continues, saying, “My mother thought that my father was crazy when he said this!” Rachel interrupts, “I definitely would have too!” Subtext: Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say. Josiah does not pick up on the subtlety and tells Rachel “I would be remiss if I did not tell you that I honestly believe that you are the woman for me.” Rachel prickles as if she is yet again on a date with Jack Stone. Undeterred Josiah continues. “I am certain that you are the woman of my dreams.” There is a brief pause and Josiah continues to daintily caress Rachel’s shoulder. I continue to pray for the sweet release of death. Yet again my prayers go unanswered as Josiah persists with this flowery confession. “You are just so beautiful. When I look into your eyes, all I want is to grow old with you.” That is such complete and utter bullshit. Who cares what happens when you’re old? I just want someone who hates the same things I do and can drink wine like it’s water and who will never complain of my refusal to wear pants at home.
Once Josiah is done spinning his sweet nothings into Rachel’s ear she pauses. She tells him “When we talk, I feel like you don’t ask a lot of questions about me and I want you to want to get to know me. Josiah’s shoulder caressing turns into shoulder patting as he says “Oh… Of course I do.” Rachel continues. “I want you to be asking these questions not just reading about me.” Where the fuck would he be reading about her? What’s even happening right now? Josiah grins and that’s his eyelashes. “You’re so perceptive,” he chuckles. “I love that about you.” Rachel rolls her eyes so hard that for a moment she catches a glimpse of Adam Jr watching her from behind a wardrobe. When her eyes return to their forward and locked position she sends Josiah on his way. She tells the camera that he seems disingenuous and that he’s more intrigued by the idea of her then by actually getting to know her. Boom.
She talks to Peter next and it’s just relaxed and natural. Peter knows what he’s doing and he’s good at it. Now that I’m thinking about it, do I have a crush on Peter? Maybe a little bit. They go out to the patio and make out under the Norwegian moonlight. During the second intermission in their game of tonsil hockey Peter pulls away a little bit it says that although he wants to keep kissing her he feels like they have a lot of ground to cover by actually talking about their relationship instead of grinding on each other like sophomores at their winter formal. Rachel thinks about this for a moment and ask them, “what if we have this conversation in the hot tub?” Now we’re talking. Once they enter in the hot tub they don’t really exchange many words but they definitely exchange a lot of fluids.
As Peter returns to the group, someone makes a comment that he’s been gone for 3 1/2 hours. I honestly have no idea if this is true or not but if it is it’s a huge fuck you to all the other dudes if it’s true. Rachel follows him in shortly after to give the group date rose. In a surprising twist Rachel gives Will the group date rose for being open and vulnerable. I guess there is a difference between the group date rose and the group date hot tub blowjob.
Two-On-One-Date with Kenny and Lee
“Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.” – Saint Chris Harrison
When it comes time for the two-on-one date, Kenny and Lee load up into a helicopter to meet their fate. Rachel tells the camera that it’s important for her to find clarity so she decides to take Kenny and Lee into the Norwegian wilderness. You know, it’s harder to hear the screams and easier to bury the bodies out there. The trio steps out of the helicopter once it lands in the wilderness and begins to walk. As they begin their journey the camera pans over the scenery and pauses on a snake basking on a rock. Nope. Fuck that. I’m heading back to the chopper.
Rachel talks to Kenny first. He starts off the conversation by saying, “I always have so much fun kicking it with you. We always have such good conversations!” Rachel interjects, “Onion time!” So, we’re still using that stupid joke about peeling back onions, I see. Lovely. This is stupid. Kenny continues, “From day one I’ve been looking for someone to be with for the long haul. I want someone that my daughter can emulate, and I think that you could be that person.” Kenny, I get that you’re trying to be flattering but I’m not sure if you want to play the stepmom card when you’re not even sure Rachel’s that into you.
Once Kenny breaks out his shovel he continues to dig. He brings up Lee and what happened in South Carolina, telling Rachel, “I think that Lee may be afraid that he doesn’t have what it takes to keep you around. I think he’s lashing out at those around him because of that. And sure, I yelled at him and I called him a snake to his face. But, I didn’t put my hands on him and I didn’t throw anything out him, so I get a gold star right?”
As Kenny walks away Rachel tells the camera, “My gut tells me that I should trust Kenny. He is fighting for a relationship with me and he’s very forthcoming with his feelings. I just sense that he is being genuine.”
When Kenny returns to the fake living room set up in the middle of the wilderness he sits in awkward silence with Lee for approximately seven minutes. Naturally ABC forces us to watch this in its entirety. I use this opportunity to take a brief nap because at this point I have been awake for 36 hours.
Rachel returns and grabs Lee for their conversation. Lee starts the conversation. “It’s been an interesting week. From Kenny calling me a snake to telling me I’m a bitch, and threatening to shit in my boots, all I can do is smile and laugh. Even when he came up to my van and tried to pull me out of it violently I just had to laugh it off.” I would say that Lee sits on a throne of lies but really he’s just rolling around in a sty of hogwash and horseshit. He takes the truth and embellishes that just enough to make it unforgivable. Rachel’s eyes widen as Lee spins his web of deceit. “I did not know all of this,” Rachel replies. “Oh yeah,” he answers. “Kenny told me he has this dark side, but don’t worry – it only comes out when he drinks. Unfortunately, since we started filming he’s been hammered all the time. Listen Rachel, I didn’t come here to talk about Kenny all the time but I promise that I will never lie to you.” All right fuckwad, I’ll say it now: you sit on a throne of goddamn lies.
Although Rachel was hoping for clarity after having these conversations, she is shit out of luck. She tells the camera she knows that there is truth in both stories and that both stories also have exaggerations. It’s incredibly perceptive coming from a fucking lawyer.
Rachel again returns to the fake living room set up and asks to talk to Kenny. At this point, it becomes very apparent that it is freezing outside as the entire trio is shivering. It must be time for honesty because no one’s got time to sit and freeze their asses off anymore. Rachel tells Kenny that she got a very different story from Lee than what he had told her earlier that afternoon. Kenny tells her that he swears upon everything he loves that he would not resort to violence. Rachel tells him she appreciates his honesty and that she has something she needs to think about.
As Kenny walks down the hill back towards Lee, he begins to cackle like a maniac. First slowly, then graduallypicking up tempo until his cackle creates a cacophony that echoes throughout the fjord. It reaches such a fever pitch that his maniacal howling quickly carries itself pass the fjord into the ocean open where whitecapped waves bring it to warmer waters. An astute ear picks up the familiar sound of laughter from a two-on-one date. As the sound grow louder, the listener sprints closer to the water to make sure that her ears were not deceiving her. “Could it be?” she asked. “Could someone else be joining me in my misery soon?” As the echoing laughter grows louder, a broad, toothy smile spreads across the face of this lonely, stranded reject. Her own laughter is added to the din. “It’s finally time!” she shouts to the sky. “Lord Harrison, I know you can hear me. Give me what I’m due! Add another soul to Olivia’s island of desolation!”
With that the screen fades to black as “To Be Continued” appears. Until next time, which is in like 3 hours. See you then. .