======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Summer is here and lust is in the air. Across the nation, hearts are fluttering and dating app use is starting to spike. Whether you’re looking for a summer romance or just trying to build your roster, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to go through the beginning stages of talking to a new partner. You’re both probably excited, feeling the little butterflies start fluttering in your chest when you hear from that special someone.
As a person who routinely crashes and burns after the first stages of a new relationship, I’ve pretty much gotten this portion down to a science. I’m not quite sure what happens after that, but I can tell you that during the beginning phase of a relationship there are 6 texts that everyone will send. Some are cute, some are lame, and some are real as fuck. Let’s take a look.
The Feeler Text
When you first start talking to someone, you’re probably trying to figure out what they’re into. Is this someone you can take to your favorite taco joint? Are they cool with you still going to emo concerts despite the fact that you’re in your mid twenties and generally have it together?
The Feeler Text is generally formatted like a joke, even though you’re being completely serious. Kind of like when you were in high school and “joking” about how you spent the whole night smoking weed. Things like, “Lol yeah, just gonna toss on some Mayday Parade while I make dinner,” or, “Hypothetically, what would you say if I told you I don’t like Big Star Tacos?” will typically suffice.
The “Accidental” Drunk Text
This was no accident. You knew exactly what you were doing. The “accidental” drunk text is what you send when you’re out with your friends and you want to show your new “friend” that you’re able to go out and have a good time.
To be clear, The “Accidental” Drunk Text is not a booty call. Far from it. This is usually done once you know you’re interested in this new person, but haven’t disclosed that information to them yet. You’re out on the town, getting good and drunk, and thinking about them. Are they thinking about you? You want them to be, so maybe you should send them a text, just to make sure they remember you. Be funny, text them something about the bar you’re at. “Omg they just put on the new Selena Gomez song here again yasss.” Nailed it.
The other thing that’s great about The “Accidental” Drunk Text is that it gives you something to talk about the next day, which can even be another Feeler Text. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I got way too drunk last night. So hyped to brunch today.” If they say anything opposed to brunch, you know it’s not meant to be.
The Good Morning Text
This usually won’t start with someone saying, “Good morning!” verbatim. Typically it’s a continuation from the conversation the night before, picking up right where you left off. If the conversation came to a relatively hard stop the night before, maybe you’ll shoot them a text about your commute or how you’re not looking forward to work. But then, it escalates.
The Good Morning Text is one that nobody likes to be the first one to send, but everyone loves to receive. If you’re the first one to send The Good Morning Text, then you’re pretty much baring your soul and letting them know that you don’t have a further topic of conversation. You just wanted to talk to them, which is fucking adorable and everybody loves it. Will you come right out and say it? Nah, probably not. It will most likely look like this: “Ugh I completely forgot I have this project deadline tomorrow. Also, good morning lol.”
The Way Too Personal Text
This is the ultimate sign that you’re comfortable with someone, or that someone is comfortable with you. The fact is, not every conversation is going to be a surface level, and you can only complain about work for so long. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to get real with someone. Maybe you’re fighting with your mom, maybe you just found out someone close to you is sick. When that happens, you’re going to be acting differently around your new boo, and you may feel so inclined to explain why.
Are you going into a ton of detail with The Way Too Personal Text? That’s up to you. To me, The Way Too Personal Text is a sign of trust, as well as a way to test the waters. If the person you’re texting seemingly shuts off emotionally or shows no sympathy, chances are they either are freaked out or aren’t ready to talk about your relationship with your high school best friend yet. This text usually starts off with, “Look, I’m sorry I’m being weird. It’s just ______.”
The Actual Drunk Text
Not to be mistaken with The “Accidental” Drunk Text, this one is just pure, unadulterated you. You wanted to hit this new person up, and you didn’t hesitate one bit. Maybe you let them know during the day that you were planning on getting hammered that night, maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t matter because you’re definitely letting them know now!
The Actual Drunk Text usually comes after each person has sent a couple of Feeler Texts and “Accidental” Drunk Texts. Both people know that they party. There isn’t really a lingering concern about whether or not they’re going home with someone else because, frankly, they’re spending a lot of their time drunk texting you about how much more fun it would be if you were there. That usually looks something like, “Yeah yeah Federales is cool but like what are you doing later?”
The Sext
Ooh baby. This is it. Something hit you at work today and you’re feeling hot and heavy on the commute home. You’ve got that itch that you can scratch yourself, but you want someone else to get it for you, and you’ve got only one person in mind. By this point, you know your new boo is into you, and you’re into them. So why not let them know what you’re thinking?
There really isn’t a wrong way to send The Sext. You can tee it up by sending a risqué snap. You can tell them that you don’t know what to wear out tonight and end it by saying something like, “Lol fuck clothes, right?” If they aren’t getting it, maybe you have to be blunt and just tell them that you wish they were there with you. Fact is, if all has gone well at this point, you’re probably on your way to relationship land.
And then after that, I just have a bunch of question marks so if you have any insight at all, let me know..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
@therescharlie
@herescharlie
herescharlie
This was way, way, way too accurate.
That awkward dance about texting a crush first or being annoying is one fear we’ve all had
Just text them. That’s my rule and it has worked well. Either get no response and move on or something good starts.
I’m glad I’ve gotten over that fear. You text me back, great! If not, I don’t really care and on to the next one.
I was prepared to think none of this was me, but all of this is me when I start a new fling. Dammit.
Glad I’m not the only one who “accidental” drunk texts. Highly successful move IMO
Did you go through this with Lizzie?
I think the real question is, what text is he at with her?
Scandalous pictures in the mirror would be my guess.
The on purpose drunk text – too sober to excuse what you’re saying, too drunk to care
I read this as “budding bromance”. Got weird when it got to the sexts
Anyone who says they don’t relate to this is 100% lying. This is too accurate.
What about when you’ve done all these and get to the “I can’t stop telling you how much I like you to try to ease my insecurity and even I’m embarassed but I still can’t stop” text? Is the next step 10 cats and dying alone? Pls advise.
I’m usually three drinks in before i decide to text her though so 90% of my text are on purpose drunk texts.