Do Not Grocery Shop After Getting Lit Up On Cold Brew Coffee And Joe Rogan

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Some activities, while harmless if enjoyed on their own, just don’t mix. You don’t eat Saltlick Bar-B-Que at Austin-Bergstrom before boarding your flight home after a big weekend. You can’t drink whiskey on the golf course. And you never go live on Instagram at a bachelor party with your high school friends within shouting distance. Most of you should know this stuff by now, but yesterday evening, I stumbled upon a brand new one that completely blindsided me:

Do not go to the store after getting juiced up on the Joe Rogan Experience and cold brew.

It’s no secret that I run exclusively on cold brew and Joe Rogan. I’ve opined on both countless times over the last couple years, so when they combined forces to betray me, I was definitely caught off guard. At roughly 4:34 p.m. CST, I sat down in our podcast studio at Grandex Media to record this week’s episode of Dudes Doing Business. My CEO and cohost, Madison, was nice enough to surprise all of us with tall cold brews straight from the ‘Bucks. What a guy. Normally I’m not a late afternoon coffee man, but when your boss offers you a cup of the good stuff, you don’t turn him down. So I lived a little bit. I don’t think you can blame me for seeking to operate and podcast at the highest levels possible. My subsequent actions, though, may be subject to scrutiny.

After finishing up the podcast and leaving for the day, I immediately flipped to the Joe Rogan Experience, hereinafter referred to as “JRE,” because that’s what woke people do. JRE keeps me sharp as I navigate around the Subaru Outbacks, Teslas, and restored Broncos on the Austin commute. Now, mixing cold brew with JRE isn’t a dangerous stack in and of itself, but I’d advise doing so in a controlled environment because as you’ll find out, shit goes down.

It’s tough to articulate how or what, but there’s a point during most podcasts when Joe starts really breaking us off with a Dimethyltryptamine explanation or some other shit that we’ve heard him say hundreds of times before but we’re all cool with hearing again because it’s JRE, that you start going what I call “full-Rogan.” Y’all know what I’m talking about. You’re dialed in and seeing things in a completely different light. Think, like, Neo when he finally realizes that he is, in fact, The One.

It can be a lot to handle when enjoyed by itself, but adding cold brew to the mix? Buckle up, buckaroos. I’ve seen good men crack from the sheer volume of mental stimuli when the cold brew peaks and Joe hits us with another William Randolph Hearst take. It’s not for everyone. We all have our breaking point. Knowing all of this, I still made the conscious decision to swing by the store to for body wash. Just body wash. Some fools never learn.

With JRE in my head and cold brew in my veins, I entered HEB as a man possessed. I was lit up, boy. Much like cold brew coffee, JRE is a lifestyle. Kettle bells must be swung. Yoga must be hot. And the brain must be optimized. With that in mind, my single item grocery store trip suddenly became something completely different. As I walked confidently across the white tile floors toward the toiletries, the calloused, woke hand that is JRE continually pulled me in different directions. Himalayan salt for minerals. Walnuts for the healthy fats. Kale. Beets. Garlic. MCT Oil because it does something dope. More cold brew because I’m married to the game. I even loaded up on bone broth after somehow recalling the JRE with Arian Foster. Who does that? I’m not doing a keto diet. As each aisle passed, I loaded my cart with more and more shit that, not only did I not budget for, but come to find out I had back at home. Then came the meat.

I glanced toward the butcher as I turned the corner after loading my hand cart with a dozen cage-free eggs. It was time to become Joe. Elk meat. The staple of the JRE diet. The pinnacle of protein. No, the elk I sought to acquire would not be tracked and pierced with the strike of an arrow from a bow, but still, ingesting the majestic beast would take me to the next level. Thank god HEB doesn’t sell elk meat. I’d have dropped a stack at the place. It’s probably a miracle I didn’t stomp out a flat earther just for the hell of it.

Finally, after a half-hour of loading up on items that I would soon be explaining to my wife, I grabbed my generic Hill Country Fare body wash and got the hell out of there. But what’s the lesson here? Well, I think it’s obvious that you have to be very careful with what your post-cold brew activity is. While it’s not yet classified as a controlled substance, cold brew coffee can take you in a direction you really hadn’t planned on. If you’re like me and are seeking to optimize your health and mind with items easily found at a grocery store, maybe don’t take a swan dive into the real Joe Rogan experience as you pull into the parking lot. Just wait until you’re back in your living room, especially if you’re tweaked on cold brew..

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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