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It’s 9:30 a.m. and I’ve just finished my first cup of joe. Right about now would be the time I venture out back to the bathroom for 4-6 minutes’ worth of relief as I scroll through twitter or run through some snap stories. But I can’t. Because I just received a rather high-priority email from my boss.
All – I was just informed that they have shut off water to the office park. They are working to mitigate the issue and we will supply an update once one has been provided. In the meantime, bathrooms needs will have to be met offsite.
Ummmm, excuse me? There are women in this office with small bladders. There are individuals here who have coffee and cigarettes for breakfast. There are people who work here who purposefully eat 5x the daily recommended amount of fiber to facilitate frequent breaks. This crisis must be resolved!
“If it’s yellow let it mellow” is a phrase I’ve heard muttered over the walls of my cubicle. I work with a bunch of disgusting heathens. I will not contribute to the collective piss pot that you monsters are creating. I’ll find a tree somewhere outside to relieve myself if it really comes down to it. But that’s not the real issue here. The coffee is talking to me. And I don’t like what it is saying. How long will this third-world situation go on? I cannot hold it forever.
I suppose I could walk out to my car and drive somewhere. But that’s a three minute trek to my car, and with the utility company blocking the end of our office complex drive, I could be waiting five minutes just to get out of the complex. And then another five to eight (depending on the lights) until I get to Starbucks. Could I last that long? What would the baristas say to me as I fast-walk past them en route to the bathroom? They would know what I did as I walk out after an abnormally long period of time. They would see the shame on my face. I would have to order something out of courtesy for destroying their bathroom. The worst part is that I’m used to getting paid to poop, not having to pay for it.
I could take a roll of TP out to the edge of the complex where there are a few trees. It might be too much to blame it on the dog that gets walked around the property at lunch every day though. Plus, I run the risk of someone seeing me in my most primal form. That’s not very professional.
I do have a third option, I suppose. I could fill my trash can using water from the cooler and manually flush the beast down. It’s a standard technique used the world over, but I’ve never seen it done in the office. There is no way I could maneuver all of that without causing some suspicion. My coworkers would definitely know what is going on. The new girl would be horrified. I don’t want that kind of reputation. This is not that type of work environment.
There is no easy way out. Time is running short. I am constantly refreshing my inbox waiting for the follow-up:
All – The water supply issue has been resolved. You can now resume you normally scheduled dumps.
If only I could be so fortunate..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
@207Cush
4-6 minutes for a dump? Easy there, Employee of the Month.
like to put my feet up n have a bowl of Golden Grahams when I poop. Scroll tha TL n see what’s poppin
@djcrimedawg if u was wonderin I follow back
Starbucks is the worst place to take a dump. Gotta go with a fast food restaurant because oftentimes you’re able to enter the building, make a hard right, find relief, and get out without any employees seeing you. Source: a guy with some stomach issues basically his entire life.
Bookstores. If you live somewhere that still has a Barnes and Noble bookstore, it’s an excellent, quiet, generally clean place to take a dump. Rarely do the type of people who would shit up a bathroom venture into a bookstore.
Found myself in crisis mode while walking around downtown DC. Starbucks was the first place I found that not only had public bathrooms but also let me dump and dash.
“Makin my way downtown, crownin fast, hella gas, and I’m stall bound. Clenching hard as I walk, these pants new, pants new, gotta poo can’t talk now” (piano) (light Audible boof)
Bravo
While strategically that is true, there is a special sub group of humans who walk into McDonald’s before 10:00am. Even if it’s to just take care of business, I’d rather not be associated.
I’ll second this. The worst Starbucks are the ones that have passwords to use the bathroom. The password is always like 8419284710482. How the fuck am I supposed to remember something like that when my sole function at the time is holding in a bunch of liquid or solid waste!?
Good for them, guys. Taking initiative to help solve the water crisis and to also collect your feces for Fertalizer where they can then grow your food for you while onsite since the overhead of having a cafeteria and paying recovering drug addicts/alcoholics below minimum wage is just too much fucking money. Al Gore really appreciates this effort. Feeding people is becoming a head ache so it was either that or they cull some of you off instead of just firing you.
Damn it, Devin.
You can also shit yourself. Or burn the place to the ground. Your call tho
Or you could be a total savage and leave an unflushed trap for the next unsuspecting coworker.
This happened to us two years ago when a construction crew struck a water main and flooded a few blocks downtown. They decided to just send us home early.
The race to the bathroom after getting that email would be a sight
Great april fool’s day prank.
At my last job they used to drain the sewer in the middle of the day and means half day
I always thought it was only my crappy office that had this problem. Comforting to know I am not alone
Pro Tip: Focus more on finding a place to take a dump instead of writing an article about it!
Content always wins.