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Foodies, man.
There have been some pretty far out food trends lately. We’ve got people mixing espresso and tonic water at hipster cafes. We’ve got “chefs” taking all the ingredients they have in their kitchen and combining them into the laziest creations ever – bowls. We have people eating things called “sushirritos” at Whole Foods. Sushi-fucking-rritos.
But now, foodies have taken things too far. The “hand salad” is officially the dumbest food “invention” of the 21st Century, per Bon Appétit’s tweet.
Gross.
You’re literally just taking stalks of fucking romaine and dipping them into a damn bowl of ranch. And if that isn’t gross enough, the logistics of this fucking thing are. Those stalks aren’t just single bites like your classic Tostitos Scoops. No, they require multiple dips before they can be fully devoured. We’re talking numerous people at a cocktail party huddled around a bowl of ranch double dipping pieces of fucking lettuce. And Bon Appétit’s description of this abomination isn’t doing them any favors.
We call this a hand salad because lettuce and dip just doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun. Romaine hearts are great because they’re sturdy and stocked at most markets. Don’t use something floppy like Boston lettuce or arugula, though. This is the appetizer for the $50 dinner party.
I’m all for people throwing a good, old-fashioned dinner party where apps are handed out like Adderall at a college party. That’s all well and good. But if I show up with a second-shelf bottle of red only to stroll up to the kitchen island and see a pile of lettuce waiting to get double dipped? Nah, I’m taking that bottle of cab back to my place to enjoy it alone while catching up on back episodes of Mad About You. I’m not even sure what a “$50 dinner party” even is, but I’m pretty sure it costs way less than fifty bucks to squirt a bottle of Hidden Valley into a bowl and break up some romaine hearts. That ain’t exactly a major surgery, Doogie Howser.
Hand salads. Please. Wrap an expensive piece of meat and prosciutto and get out of my face with your hand salads. .
[via Twitter]
Image via Bon Appétit
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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“No Todd, you don’t toss the lettuce, you just like, dip it. Ugh, you just don’t get it.” – Girl
Ya but does she like her salad tossed?
This is just a way to pretend you’re eating a salad when really you are shoveling as much ranch as possible into your face.
AKA all salads.
Personally not a ranch dressing on my salad kind of guy
Why do you hate America?
… not entirely opposed..
As a dinner party appetizer, yes this is an incredibly stupid idea.
As the laziest possible way to bring a Caesar salad to work, I’m intrigued.
One man hand sally? Alright, alright.
That just sounds dirty.
“I’m gonna call it a night, go home, give myself a one hand sally and pass out”
No no. You can’t abbreviate salad to “sally” when that is your girlfriend’s name.
You also can’t abbreviate salad to “sally” when it’s the same amount of letters.
It’s 2017, let him do what he wants
Is there a worse term than “foodie”? Its just someone who is enthusiastic about food, which is everyone.
You could be called a fattie. Which ironically is also someone who is enthusiastic about food.
I know this is an unpopular take, but I strongly dislike ranch dressing to begin with.
Its only purpose is to make bad pizza (which barely exists to begin with) bearable.
That’s not innovative, that’s just an inconvenient salad. They just removed something that wasn’t there before (silverware, plates, civility) and have the gall to call it an “invention”
The fuck
This is where we are at as a species now. Everything has pretty much already been done and people aren’t getting smarter or evolving at the rate that they should do this is what we get as a result. Just think, that guy Pitbull is richer than all of us…..
Hey man, don’t be hatin’ on Mr. Worldwide now
I thought it was just called the homeless person vegetarian option
What if one were to go ultra hipster and grill the romaine first?
Man, your boy loves a grilled romaine salad tho.
I actually like grilled romaine. I won’t pay a ton at a restaurant for it, but it’s actually good with a little char and makes a good bacon and blue cheese vehicle.
Or ultra thug: http://www.thugkitchen.com/grilled_romaine_hearts_with_avocado_lime_dressing
You just know that hipsters don’t abide by the one-dip rule. They might as well put their whole mouths in the dip.
So it’s just a vegetable platter with the shitty vegetables included? Wonderful.