Your Horrible Business Ideas: Millennial Motivational Speaker

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I’m bringing it back. By popular demand? Maybe not, but I’m going to make you love it. Luckily after our last round of horrible business ideas, I received many emails that have been sitting in my inbox for nearly a year. Sorry. Hit me up with your terrible ideas (david@grandex.co). We all have them.

Classic Hipster Shit

My current roommate is an art student. Whenever my friends and I would discuss our future opportunities, my roommate would try and pitch us business ideas to try and keep up. Here’s the most recent:

After we graduate, she plans to go to culinary school (because blowing through 80 grand on an art degree wasn’t gratuitous enough) and open up a wedding cake shop that specialized in creating daguerreotype images (aka old-timey photos) of brides and grooms and putting them on wedding cakes. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Walmart already does this for 30 bucks.

Hope this is useful.

Fun fact: I know two people who attempted culinary school, and neither of them finished. Culinary dropouts, if you will. I need to give you major props for using the word daguerreotype. That’s bougie. Maybe even bad, too. Now onto this plan. As you are aware, it’s not the move for a laundry list of reasons. First of all, it’s the most trust fund hipster thing I’ve ever heard. Dropping major coin on cooking school so you can do old-timey wedding photos. That’s niche as hell, and I think if she really opened the doors on this business VICE would immediately cover it.

More importantly, though, that’s an oversaturated market. When Walmart is doing a very cost effective version of your business idea, you’re running against the wind. I’m pretty sure you can get daguerreotype photos done at Six Flags for a nominal fee.

Hard Lawyer Bods

I’m not sure this qualifies as a business idea as it’s unclear whether Dumbass, Esquire, intended to sell the calendars for profit or to benefit his favorite charity or whatever, but here it goes:

At some point in law school my buddy Dumbass, Esquire decided that he wanted to make a “Real Men of Law School” calendar. It is what it sounds like, and extremely weird and creepy coming from a dude. He even had roles cast for various individuals. For example, my roommate grew up on a corn field in Iowa, so Dumbass thought it would be an awesome idea for him to be shirtless with a big belt buckle, cowboy hat, and lasso leaning up against a fence post. Similarly, one guy that was a borderline D-I basketball prospect before he decided it would be more fun to frat it up at a university he couldn’t play at, was to be cast shooting jumpers, also shirtless (of course). Dumbass himself had curly AC Slater hair so (you guessed it) he wanted to pose as AC Slater in wrestling gear. It was just really weird and a horrible idea all the way around.

I can tell you that he’d be immediately shot down by one of the 50 student groups at whatever law school y’all attended. I’m not sure how or why, but I feel like this promotes the patriarchy in some form or fashion, and the idea of “Real Men” would make the fringe left come unglued. When I was in law school, one of the student groups had to discontinue doing their dating auction, an event that raised money and was an all out rager, because another organization thought it promoted human trafficking. Deadass.

Other than that, uh, yeah. This idea sucks. Half of the guys will look malnourished from all of the amphetamines they’re popping to keep their class rank up, and the other half will just look soft and milky from all the cortisol their bodies have produced due to being stressed the fuck out all day every day. Anybody in great shape during law school is either on HGH or doesn’t give a damn about grades. I respect it, though.

The Paul Revere of Millennial Scum

My friend Trey thought he could become a millennial motivational speaker. His qualifications were that he was a 24, broke, and working in a job he hated. He was going to speak to people from the standpoint that he’s at rock bottom, and people shouldn’t be like him. Really great idea.

So this is kind of a Scared Straight deal, right? He’s probably trapped in a prison of debt and monotony, and he’s going to warn soon-to-be college grads about their pending doom. You know, there was a time when this website served that purpose. Many would say it still does. I actually don’t hate the idea of this guy turning his “motivational” speaking gig into a standup career. It serves the same purpose, and it’s relatable. Does he want to write for us? david@grandex.co.

Image via YouTube

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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