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“I’m not crying, you’re crying” as I sit at my desk, watching a video with tears in my eyes, about a dog that had been abused but given a second chance with a loving home.
I get that 28 isn’t old by any means. What I can tell you is that the older I get, the less headstrong and fool hearted I am. I feel like the Grinch after his heart grew some sizes. Things tug at the heartstrings much more easily, and I find myself giving back because I want to, not because I had to like when I was younger. My parents used to make my brother and I volunteer, and back then, I wanted to run around and do what I wanted. But as I get older, I find much more fulfillment in fulfilling others rather than myself.
Growing up, I was always outside, fishing, occasionally hunting and always on the move. I’ll never forget the feeling of killing my first deer. The thing made it all of three feet before it dropped over dead. I used to bow hunt until I hit a deer an inch or so too high, it went down, got up after 30 minutes and ran away. I went back the next day to track, only to never find it and I still feel terrible to this day. These days, I have no desire to kill things. I have no problem with people hunting in any capacity, I love venison and I understand the necessity to keep population down but I just can’t. Between the cold, the smell of dead deer and the Fudds and Uncle Jimbos in the forest, I’d rather trade my jerky making services in exchange for deer any day (which I do quite often because my jerky is damn good). I enjoy meat way too much to ever become a vegan, but I kind of get why people do.
Getting soft doesn’t just pertain to feelings. Back in the day, I could run all day, had 9% body fat, drink every day of the week and bounce back and work intense physical labor on 4-5 hours of sleep. Now, I’m a walking injury: everything cracks, aches or is sore the next day. Part of my elbow chipped off and floats around from an old hockey injury (I named it Archibald). I got drunk and was hungover for two days where all I did was eat fast food and play video games.
I remember the feeling of invincibility where I could drive as fast as I wanted or where I’d never have to worry about being sick. I played through any sports injury and I’d sometimes race in my 4 cylinder ’98 Honda Accord against my friends that had equally middle class beater cars. Now, I generally obey the speed limit within 10 MPH or so, rather than dodging in and out of traffic or doing 80+. It’s just not worth it and to be honest, I now give a bit of leeway to make sure I don’t have to like a good adult.
People often wish, hope and pray for good health. I never used to really understand that; my worldview was very narrow. I was generally in good health and there wasn’t anything I couldn’t bounce back from. As I got older, I saw cancer, disease and human error take away loved ones. My own father passing was a reminder that life is short and can be gone in a second. Losing an immediate family member fundamentally changes you in a way you wish others could understand, but the only real way to understand is to go through it. My advice to those that haven’t is to always tell your loved ones that you do love them because you truly never know when your time is up.
Some people get it and some don’t. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more conscious of my own mortality. When I look at older pictures of Tank, it reminds me that dogs lives are short. He was already around five when we found him so his impending trip across the Rainbow Bridge is always not that far off my mind. Rather than let this consume me, I’ve learned to appreciate more and take less for granted. Even though I’m pretty against having my own kids, I still can’t help but make faces at children, while not looking like I own a windowless van filled with candy that I use to try to find my lost puppy. My often stoned freshman year roommate, STD (his initials not that he is a sexually transmitted disease) once told me, in a particularly high state, that, “Life is all about the adventure” and however small that seemed at the time, it is really quite resounding..
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
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I love madoff articles
Couldn’t have said it better. Lost my brother in the last year and it changes you so incredibly much. It is up to the individual to ensure that the changes are constructive rather than destructive.
“Losing an immediate family member fundamentally changes you in a way you wish others could understand, but the only real way to understand is to go through it.”
Unfortunately, I couldn’t agree more with his sentence.
Another epic article, although now tonight I need to drink double what I initially planned to in order to get over it.
My wife lost her dad a while back and just laughs at people (figuratively) our age who lose a grandparent. She’s like, just wait and see how you feel when it’s your mom or dad.
While I understand what you/your wife mean (having lost a parent myself), I always try and catch myself from having those types of thoughts. Loss is loss. No need to quantify it.
Same. I lost my dad 7 years ago. And my grandfather 3 days ago. While I am sad about it, it is not the devastating loss of losing a parent too young.
And it is important to remember that grief is individual and no one has the right to try and compare your grief to another. We all deal with grief differently, over different things, and in different amounts, and that is okay.
True story.
All those down votes you’re getting are probably from people who think your wife is messed up for thinking that way, but as awful as it sounds, it’s true.
I agree with both you and dagoofjohn. No one person’s loss is greater than any other’s and no one understands relationships who aren’t directly involved and therefor has no right or ability to judge.
I guess my point was you can’t know what it’s like to lose a parent until you do, and when that happens in your 20’s it’s hard to not be cynical and have a lot of sympathy for someone who lost a 90-yr-old grandma as opposed, to her 60 year old father. But I will end this week in the hole I dug for myself.
And I’ll add that the cynicism and lack of sympathy is derived from how angry she is that her dad died at such a young age, not the fact a friend is suffering a loss that is “less than” hers. Her life experience actually adds to the empathy she feels for people, and several friends have turned to her after losing a loved one because they know she’s been through a tough time and feel as though she can help them in their grieving.
I’ve actually gotten “harder” as I’ve aged. And by harder I mean brittle.
Great article! Definitely an eye opener when the cartilage around the flukes starts to go, definitely cant race all the speedboats by Virginia Beach like I used to.
Getting older has made me soft mentally, and around my hips, and I’m cool with that. Insightful read.
Sup. Wanna throw out our hips?
Not gonna lie. Just went though some old pictures of my dog when he was a pup.
Sounds like you’re confusing softness with wisdom. You’re being seasoned with life experiences. I’d be more concerned if you were still the same person as before
It was tongue in cheek but I appreciate the close reading. Your observations are spot on (also love Morty).
Madoff, you son of a bitch…
Dead on as usual. Nothing is more sobering (literally and figuratively) than the realization you’re growing older. But I don’t think it’s all bad. In the last year or so I’ve noticed that everyone in my family treats me like a real grown up. At 30, that shouldn’t be a big deal. But it’s nice to be included in all the “adult” conversations and spoken to like a peer. Rather than some kid who stumbled in the room.
has anyone ever read any articles on the player’s tribune? it’s all professional (former or current) athletes who write the articles. i read one of them yesterday and was crying at my desk LOL
I pop over there all the time, great for a pump up or a good change in perspective.
The Brian Leetch and Lundqvist one (Lets go Rangers) were particularly good. Sorry about your Penguin fandom although I do love Phil Kessel
haha the lundqvist one is the one that made me cry. and i hate him!!!
How can you hate such a beautiful and gifted man?
The Martin St. Louis one gave me some heavy eye sweats when I read it. The players tribune is always excellent.
the one called “hockey dad” written by matt cullen during the playoffs last year is really good, too! i mean it starts out by saying, “the dog was pooping all over the floor. that’s how nervous it was in my house before game 7 against tampa.” hahaha
Great article.
Can you hit us with that jerky recipe? I’ve been considering making my own recently
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Oh no, I don’t have twitter.