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Editor’s Note: In case you didn’t know, we actually have an unofficial Post Grad Problems Reddit fan page that has turned into a pretty solid community that’s moderated by noted Twitter user and commenter, The Chilis Guy. Below is his story, presented without comment and very few edits.
I was talking to this girl off Bumble a few months ago and things felt a little off. She wasn’t my normal type so I attributed it to that. After about two weeks of talking and her ignoring my Snapchat add, I went with my normal mantra and said, “Fuck it, let’s do it” when she asked to grab drinks after work one Thursday.
Living at home with my parents, I was drinking alone while they were at some event, texting her while drinking and telling her about how we had just put up our Halloween decorations. I texted her a picture of the wreath my mom had put up on our front door (she asked about it).
About ten minutes later, the doorbell starts ringing. I can see the front door from the kitchen and see someone I don’t recognize standing there. So the person walks away. I figure it’s some door to door religious person, thinking nothing of it for two seconds. I sit down. A knock at my back door, which I am sitting right by. I turn my head seeing that same large figure. She remotely resembles my match. Instead of me getting up to go get the door, she decides to open it up and come inside, uninvited. Somehow this girl decides the best course of action is to come to my parents’ house.
Now I’m fine with picking and choosing your pictures to show you in the best light. Hell, a little face tune never hurt no one, but this girl was about 250 pounds more than her pictures implied, and now she’s in my parents’ house. It would not shock me if she’s the reason The Cowboys are doing fantastic this year. Her opening line with me? “Hope you don’t mind that I stopped by before our date,” she says softly as she fucking tries to sit on my lap. Needless to say, I questioned how she found me, why she was at my house, what drugs she is on, etc., which she avoids answering as she keeps trying to come on to me.
She said something about a dice game she brought over, but I was doing my best to think of ways out of this nightmare. I texted the group text, begging for help. Thankfully, my friend u/Bourbon_Blonde is a true bro and was willing to call me, say she had a flat tire and needed me to come change it. Thankfully, Miss Break-In bought it. I got her out and immediately left after locking every door twice, meeting up with Allison at The Rustic for a story for another time.
This girl still fucking texts me to this day and I still fear she’s going to come over to “surprise me” again but with a knife. Or a pistol. Or a bag of her own urine for me to use as cologne so I think of her. I’d prefer the knife. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Been there bro. This girl with a unibrow keeps showing up at my grandparents house looking for me
So you didn’t fuck her? I mean she was there and all, might as well go for it.
A big girl who knows your address and is now a clinger? Uh, can you say “win-win?”
i want to know what kind of myspace angles she used to make herself look that much thinner!
Shooters shoot…?
I’m actually more interested in the story of Ash hooking up in the Band’s van behind the Rustic
“It would not shock me if she’s the reason The Cowboys are doing fantastic this year”
I laughed at this harder than I really should have. Just kept picturing a big woman snapping the ball to Dak Prescott and laying a nice pull block for Ezekiel Elliott
Dude, turn the tables on her. Invite her back over your parents house but leave before she gets there. Make sure your parents aren’t there either. This next phase is crucial and may be hard to do because of memories and stuff but it will vitally pay off: Pour water down the wall next to the conduit that leads down to your electrical box, this might take a little bit to settle in but the box should catch fire if you expose the copper wiring inside the box. You know what is terrible for electrical fires? Water. Once she’s inside, the fire should do what it naturally does: burns off all the dead weight and lays down a fertile foundation for other things to prosper. You guys will def lose your house but insurance fraud is a big risk/big reward type of business. Hopefully you burnt your house down in a good market position so that it can be valued higher so that you can get a little extra coin to get your own place. You’re lucky I’m giving my life advice for free on an open forum right now. I’m like the fucking Dr. Phil of life advice minus the huge celebrity push from Oprah
I’m in DFW please tell me who this was so I can be safe
Since there are so many questions either posted on here, texted or tweeted, I’ll answer a few.
1. My best guess is she found my parents house through the county’s appraisal district. Armed with my phone number, she got my last name through my snap username, and it was game over from there.
2. No I’m not giving a name, she may have been crazy, but one of y’all will contact her and my life will go south again.
3. I’m not funny, just my life is. Laugh at my pain.
OMG. part of me wants to believe this isn’t real, but i know that there are girls like this out there.
my worst tinder/bumble (can’t remember) date was with a guy who all he talked about was how much money he had, how he drove a camaro, then he insisted that learning disablities weren’t a real thing and kids are just lazy (i used to be a teacher and had students with learning disabilities in my classes) and then referred to either black people or liberals as “those people” (i’m still not sure which he was referencing), then he made me pay for the bill and didn’t say thank you.
although he didn’t show up at my house unannounced and try to sit on my lap, so maybe i should count that as a win.
What did he say to get you out with him in the first place?
that’s what was so weird! he was totally normal via texting! super nice and funny…then in real life he was like a different horrible person with no sense of humor!
He catfished you with his personality
Cool. Just subbed to the pgp subreddit