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In the list of things about 2016 that I can’t believe are true, I honestly think I’ve found the one thing that takes the cake. Sure, the election results were unexpected and that gorilla is dead, but now I can officially say that things have really, truly gone too far. As of now, there’s currently a trauma and rehab center officially open for business that helps tortured, individualistic millennials adjust to life in the real world. That’s right, for $27,500 a month, you can be shipped off to an isolated center in Evanston, Illinois that will teach you how to function in this dark and dangerous world. While I wish I was kidding, unfortunately, this is part of the world that we live in now.
Yellowbrick is a “treatment center,” although I would most certainly use the phrase “treatment” loosely. Yellowbrick works with “emerging adults” to help them transition into a normal, dull adulthood and leave their special snowflake lives behind, and for the price tag of $27,500 a month, I’m sure these millennials are off to an excellent start in that direction. In Yellowbrick’s case, treatment involves you telling your personal journey – or your “Narrative” – to a psychologist and peers a few times a week until you can come to terms with the difficulties of the real world. If that price tag seems a little high for what you’re getting, you might want to consider that Yellowbrick has a 10-week minimum stay, putting your total bill up to around $68,750 to help you adjust to your new life as a real adult.
I have a news flash for you: if you have more than the median annual U.S. salary in disposable income to help you adjust to real life, you are in your own bracket of millennial first-world problems. That’s two years of entry-level salary that many of us were forced to take without the option of hanging out in a cushy treatment facility with other upper-class children of neurosurgeons and real estate developers. My pity for you is approximately zero, but of course, mental health is important, so please take the time and the money to get the help you need – just please, don’t complain about it on the Internet, because while the rest of us are adjusting to life with plastic packets of Ramen noodles, we probably won’t see eye-to-eye on what being thrust out into the “real world” actually entails. .
[via Fusion]
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Steph W.
Steph W. is a new Master's degree graduate with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. Send her tips for getting out of student debt at recruitchairtsm@gmail.com
@therecruitchair
To go from watching Pearl Harbor specials and documentaries to this article just completely ruins my day and any hope I had for the future.
Seriously. If Russia or China want to invade the US, all they have to do is give it another 15-20 years until the current military turns over and all we have left is these snowflakes.
To get way too serious for this site: The U.S. will probably not be successfully invaded for a VERY long time without some sort of major societal upheaval. With as many guns as we have per person in the U.S. we’re basically a fortress filled with armed citizen soldiers protected by allies to the north and south and oceans on the east and west.
Yeah no kidding. Thanks for letting my joke go way over your heads.
I appreciated your joke, but I decided to respond seriously. Take 5, champ, it’s almost Friday.
Eh, the snowflakes are driven out mostly, already. The military will give you the same treatments as this facility but will actually pay you a little bit in the process while also giving you housing.
If China and/or Russia wants to invade us they would have way more success because all of our gazillion dollar shit was broken….not because of the Soldiers in uniform.
…works with “emerging adults” to help them transition into a normal, dull adulthood and leave their special snowflake lives behind.
Call me old fashioned, but I always thought that’s what bars were for.
These have been around for awhile. They’re called Methadone clinics
I’m sure they want their health insurance to cover this too.
But these tools in the program are the ones that can afford to get you your five figure+ ring from Tiffany’s @Recruitment Chair.
Fucking pansies. I hate my generation.
Your hate is justified. They did nail you to a cross.
But they also helped Jesus invent the 3 day weekend. So I think we can call it a wash.
Nah, that was all me.
What about turning the other cheek?
I flip tables and shit. Long hair, don’t care.
Are there actual people who do this? If so, who is down for starting this same business for half the cost?
I attended a similar program except it was 12 weeks and it was called Officer Candidate School. Its run by Marines who help guide you in the ways of the world and teach you all you will need to know about how to be a dysfunctional member of society.
Their Narrative? Midwestworld doesn’t have the same ring.
I’m picturing a group of 12 22-yr-olds hopping on a short bus, going out for a field trip that includes lunch and a trip to the grocery store (Whole Food only, obviously), then going back to their facility to sit in a big room full of comfortable couches to discuss the experience.
Actually this sounds a lot like my grandma’s nursing home, TBH, and at only three times the cost this should cover the staff wiping their asses too.