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The following is an email sent to Caroline’s bridesmaids – Katie, Alex, Victoria, Megan, and Jill – ahead of Caroline’s wedding.
Sent December 7, 2016
11:30 a.m.
Hey ladiessssssss,
So here we are… only 24 days away from CAROLINE’S BIG DAY!!!!!!!!!
I know this seems premature because Caroline’s wedding planners haven’t even sent out an itinerary for us yet, but you know me, always the planner. I just thought it would be good to get all my thoughts in one place for her big day so we’re all on the same page!
So, as you know, the wedding isn’t until about 6 o’clock on New Year’s Eve with the reception beginning at 8. That means we’ll all have to start getting ready around 9 a.m. if we want to be ready on time. I’ve already reached out to Vanessa (she’s the wedding planner, if you didn’t already know) and have helped getting everything ready for the salon that morning. I’m going to be doing my own hair, so I thought I’d make sure everything else was in order once we got there. Champs, macaroons, croissants – I just want everything to match Caroline’s aesthetic.
I’m just going to say it so don’t forward this email to Caroline – her wedding planner is kind of a bitch. Like, I know she’s expensive and will do everything perf, but she is not very open to outside help so just bear with me. Most of us have been in more weddings than she’s planned so I know we’ll all be on the same page.
Here’s what she’s told me so far: the rehearsal is at 6 p.m. on the 30th at the church. That’s, like, literally it. I’d say that she can’t be serious, but she’s totally fucking serious. Anyway, sorry, I had to vent for a second.
In preparation for everything, I’ve ordered robes (lol, yes, more robes) for the big day. They each have your initials monogrammed on them and everyone needs to Venmo me $86.50 for them. If anyone needs any assistance covering it, I can totally help. I’ve also scheduled a photographer to come to the salon since her photographer is only going to be available from noon on. Why she scheduled a photographer who had to go to a baby shower before her wedding, I’ll never know.
I’m going to go early and set up, so just hmu if you want to come or need a ride.
If any of you have any #hashtag ideas, just lmk and we can add them to the list of possibilities. So far the selection is pretty meh (no offense, Katie), but I feel like we can knock this out of the park in a group text.
If you haven’t already gotten your bridesmaid dress tailored, I have one question? Why haven’t you gotten it tailored yet? Like, you’re way too late now and you need to make it happen. I had to have mine taken in because it’s soooooo big in the hips but I’m not sure if anyone else has had that problem or not.
Also, the night before, make sure you have a speech prepared for the rehearsal dinner. I’d suggest you all do one big group speech so we don’t put everyone at her dad’s country club to sleep, but idk it’s your decision – that’s just my two cents. Katie, I requested that we do our speeches LAST at the reception with you going first and me going last. I hope that’s okay, I just have a lot planned for mine and tbh I wouldn’t want to follow it if I were you.
If anyone has any preference of who they want to walk down the aisle with, I can see what I can do. I refuse to walk down the aisle with Todd because, like, that’s just weird considering we’re not married yet. Ew.
Okay, I’ll stop rambling now. If you have any questions at all, just feel free to ask me and get ready to get Caroline MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!
Love you loves,
Maid of Honor
P.S. Katie, respond with what you’ve accomplished so far so we make sure not to do the same stuff. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Things Katie, Alex, Victoria, Megan, and Jill Do After This Email: Group Text
Katie: omg can you believe Girl’s email
Victoria: lol, pouring wine before reading it
Katie: tbh take a Xanax
Jill: “we’re not married yet” – like obviously, are they ever going to get engaged?
Alex: i hear Todd has been texting with a girl from the derby….
Megan: mama needs xanax AND wine for this
Katie: OMG OMG I accidentally screenshotted our convo and did that thing where you send it to the person you’re talking about…
#PrayForTodd
You crushed this.
“… everyone needs to Venmo me $86.50 for them. If anyone needs any assistance covering it, I can totally help*”
*The Bank of Todd is open for business, because Momma’s funemployment ain’t cheap
It’s “mama”.
Please pee on her carpet.
“Hi, I’m Girl and I force people to owe me money for something I bought them without their permission.”
I’ve gotten this email before. Girl is real. She’s out there.
I’m so sorry that our fiction is your reality.
Sup?
You should submit it as a column.
Ill never understand the bridesmaid species apart from the attempts to procreate with them post reception
100% chance Caroline sees this email.
Girls on the perma-list for hell…. thought I’d let you all know what she has coming.
I feel Satan will be there personally arguing the case with St Peter to let her through the pearly gates.
Yea, cuz the little bitch is a sneaky one and doesn’t hold up on his promises. Such a dick.
Can’t tell if I hate girl or am impressed with the power moves.
Anticipating the NYE wedding more than my actual plans…
Don’t Todd will walk down the aisle with Claire instead
I haven’t solidified my NYE plans yet…
Claire was immaculately conceived
Don’t worry* (seriously need an edit button)