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Living on a student’s budget is soul-crushing. As I scan my meager amount of items in the self-checkout line at Target, watching the numbers climb, I can’t help but sigh. As Blink-182 so eloquently put it: I guess this is growing up. Forking over the dough for that overpriced luxury apartment and paying the car note for that C-Class Benz your parents told you not to purchase sounds brutal. But being in school means that I don’t have a real job. No real job means no real money. I know I’m living on a pauper’s pay, and yet I’m still wholly irresponsible with my cash flow.
I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy the finer things in life. I like to try out trendy new restaurants, hit up happy hour with my buds, take fun road trips, and sport the latest threads. Simply put, there is a long list of pointless things that I enjoy spending my money on. Do you see “investment account” or “savings” in that list anywhere? Neither do I.
I have a hard time turning down invitations. It doesn’t matter what it is. Somebody wants to get a gel manicure? I’m already picking out the perfect shade of pale pink, and yes, I prefer the amber-scented hand cream. Happy hour at that new tapas bar in the city? I’ve already looked at their menu online and I’m trying to get faded on some Mezcal Mules. And oh look, yet another email from J. Crew telling me that if I spend $200, I get 20% off. Next thing I know, I’ve got another pair of destroyed boyfriend jeans and enough white t-shirts to last a lifetime arriving on my doorstep.
This is a cry for help. I know this lifestyle is not sustainable. How in the world am I ever going to live as a real adult? Especially when I get out of law school with a decent amount of student loans attached to my name? Every month, I tell myself I will be smarter about my dollars and yet I keep spending a good chunk of my funds on brunches and bar tabs. These are moments of enjoyment and fun that leave me with good memories… but an anxiety-inducing bank account.
The thought of saving seems impossible. I’m already balling on a budget, so it just feels like I’m inflicting torture upon myself by taking some of that away and effectively hiding it from myself. I know saving makes the most sense in the long run, sincerely, I do. I’ve read the articles about how much more I can retire with if I start saving and investing by the time I’m 24, 25, 26. I’ve seen the statistics. I actually started an investment account last year, but I think I’ve put money into it maybe three times. Five times max. Every once in a while, I get an email from Betterment telling me that they automatically reinvested my dividends, so I can rest easy knowing that I’m making at least a few cents off of my shoddy attempt at being fiscally responsible.
Literally everything costs money. This isn’t news to anyone. You have to put gas in your car to get to work. Grab a Starbucks cold brew on the way there, though, ‘cause it’s Tuesday, and everyone knows that’s the worst day of the week. Lunch at Chipotle because you forgot to bring your lunch again, and your boss is being a real asshole today, so go ahead and spring for the guac: you deserve it. Don’t forget happy hour after work, because it’s already been a shitty week, and need I remind you? It’s literally just Tuesday. Happy hour turns into half-price apps, half-price apps turn into dinner. After dinner, you go home and fire up the Apple TV to watch Westward on HBO Now that automatically withdraws directly from your account every month. Dollar after dollar, so easily spent on frivolity.
And somewhere in there I’m supposed to be saving some of it? My question is: how do I stop the madness? Do I quit everything and become a hermit, hiding from the world, attempting not to spend my cash by avoiding dinner out with my pals? I certainly don’t want to keep up the reckless spending, but I also don’t want to constantly stay home (read: slide into a deep, dark, depression) in the hopes that I can save a few bucks.
I know this is bad. These are not good habits that I’ve formed. I know one day I won’t be able to pull the, “But I’m a student” card. Don’t get me wrong, I worked for two years between undergrad and graduate school. I know what it’s like to get an actual paycheck and pay real taxes. But even then, I wasn’t any better at this whole “budgeting” thing. When I had real money, I just spent it on things like groceries from Whole Foods and designer shoes. For real, you guys, I want to get my act together and be a responsible, money-saving adult, but I just can’t seem to stick with it. Law school sucks, and every weekend, my classmates and I just want to get rip-roaring drunk at brunch and throw around our student loan Monopoly money. We are so totally screwed.
It really sucks living off of leftover pizza and cereal at the end of every month, but at least I hit triple digit likes on the Instagram I took at that over-priced brunch last weekend. That should be enough sustenance to stave off the impending starvation, right? .
Image via YouTube
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Sell drugs, download the Acorns app and invest your transaction change variances into an investment portfolio, do odd jobs like work the corner in Saturday nights, drive Uber, kill someone for at least $500k, make a mini submarine and do one giant coke run and then go incognito. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it
That’s a busy weekend.
Just trying to keep up with the Jonse’s so I can surpass them in life and then mercilessly make them feel inferior before I get their house foreclosed on and smear their reputation in the media forcing them to be put in witness protection, then they’ll go find God or some lame shit like that and then the priest will touch their sons ween further perpetuating the downward spiral of this god damn mystery family that everyone has been trying to keep up with like a carrot dangles in our faces while we run on a treadmill.
Then you realize the treadmill is increasing more and more in both incline and speed as you age and die inside day after day while witnessing the fetid decay of your aspirations and hopes for not only yourself but the world. you were going to make a difference, you were going to change someones life for the better but here you are having become cold and dispondent to the happenings of the world outside of your small universe that you call a home in your gated community and youre staring at your Blackrock asset management report via the newest iteration of whatever bullshit touch sensitive tech device that isnt exploding in peoples hands. You have the news on in the background as reports about civilian bombings, active shooters, and irreversible and certain climate change that will bring about famine, disease, and new wars over basic necessities like water or not having your house below the ocean. All of that just goes in one ear and out the other as your portfolio has significant growth and that short position on that major american manufacturing company has paid off as their expected earnings fall incredibly short of even the most conservative financial speculator. This causing major layoffs as families that have been working class for 3 generations have no other means to support themselves because they lived the american dream, even if it was paycheck to paycheck, then domestic violence spikes along side suicide rates. But you pay no mind to any of that and decide to put in an infinity pool in your new sun room because its too cold to swim in your outdoor.
One day you go in for your yearly company mandated check up and your diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer and now after dodging the frantic calls from your trophy wife probably to complain about the nanny you hired at 12 bucks and hour to watch your asshole kids or better yet she finally found out you were having an affair with her. You hit the ignore button again and finish your 5th double of whiskey while all your money you have stashed away cant help you increase the dismal survival rate. You down one more and stumble to your Merc AMG G Wagon and start to driving intoxicated only to get into a collision with a SUV with a family that was moving because the father, who worked at the manufacturing company you shorted, finally found a job in the neighboring state. You survive the head on collision like most drunk driving assholes do, but unfortunately the two parents are killed and the children are sent to foster care to eventually be chewed up and spit out by the system. But your cracker jack lawyer got your sentence reduced to a few years at a white collar crimes prison because of your medical condition cause you know the world is always fair.
Wow dude, standing O right there. For real. Hey everyone, I know it’s Friday night and you’re trying to drink to forget about your shitty existence but read this and learn something before you become a former shell of yourself idly passing through your own life
Sounds like that short position really paid off though!
Who pays 500k to kill someone? Money talks.
It’s pretty expensive if it needs done right. You can’t just hire some homeless man on the street and expect to do it right, sometimes there are factors requiring skill. And skill requires getting paid.
Or so I’ve heard…I have no insider knowledge of how this works…
I have all the skills. You learn everything on these streets. Who killed pac, biggie, and put a clip in fitty? That’s right, you don’t know, cause we shoot guns and don’t talk to the police.
I’m using it now and it’s awesome! I’ve signed up for my account and have been bringing in fat paychecks. For real, my first week I made $306 and the second week I doubled it and then it kinda snowballed to $120 a day! just follow the coourse…
For more information>>>>>……………..www.WebJob1.Com…
Duda needs a financial advisor
Really want to save money? Drop out of law school now and don’t take on the loans for a bleak job outlook and a soul-crushing work environment.
From someone who thought being a lawyer would be fun.
Come on now, it’s Friday. Couldn’t you have just lied to me?
Fun fact, the majority of sports agents have law degrees. So there’s that…
Nearly all. Also, good luck with breaking into that field.
Sorry. It is friday. Chase your dreams and money will be nothing but an afterthought!
Speaking of bleak job outlooks doesn’t it concern you to use your real name on this site considering you want to practice law in several years?
Hey anonymous downvoters, feel free to reply with your real name.
Will deFries.
Hi, I’m shibby
John Duda
Garrett Delph mothafuckaaaaaa
Pierre Charles L’Enfant
clever.
Mike Jones
Who?
I am Todd.
Cody McKean. Look me up, I’m famous
Homeless McHomelessFace
This wasn’t a knock on PGP, nearly a statement that it might be hard to find employment advising people of their legal rights when you publish articles about being really hung over and how you’re unable to manage your own finances.
You’re right, Rico. There are zero attorneys out there who spend their money recklessly and drink to excess. That type of behavior is unheard of for the profession.
It’s also important to remember that this is a satirical website.
sat·ire- the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vice.
I don’t think an employer is going to care that someone is exaggerating about their vices.
Haters really hatin for a Friday morning…
Throw in the towel Rico.
I can’t believe no one just came out and said it. Marry rich.
I don’t think I’m her type, though.
…sup?
It’s only good advice if I’m willing to follow it myself, which I am.
Financial Advisers are overrated. My Girlfriend is a financial adviser. She too likes the finer things in life. She also loves J. Crew and tapas in which she can’t pronounce the food that she’s eating. Do not let someone like her control your money. Also do not tell her I said this. I can’t afford another shopping spree.
You don’t need a financial advisor. You need to make a budget and find some discipline.
Any financial advisor, myself included, isn’t going to magically make things better. I can’t make you stop spending money you don’t have, that’s on you.
Exactly….but you can sell her some variable life 😉
Financial advisor here, my advice (the same anyone in my office would give to anyone under 35): The best investment you can make is in yourself to increase your future earnings potential.
Seems like there’s a pretty large misconception on what Financial Advisors really do.
No point to having one if you don’t have any money for them to manage.
– Create an excel spreadsheet budget and stick to it.
– There are apps that make your purchases round up and put the coins into savings accounts for you.
– set up direct deposit of 5% (something small that wont cripple your lack of income) that automatically goes into savings/investment account. This way you never see the money per se, you just see your end paycheck in checking account.
If money is deposited into a checking account, and no one sees it, was it ever in that checking account?
The key to paying off bills is to never look at your available balance. If you never know how much money you had pre-bills, you can’t be upset when you eventually look at your balance. But hopefully your checks never bounce. God speed.
Just imagine Jim Carrey in liar liar yelling at you over the phone “STOP SPENDING MONEY ASSHOLE”