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I was in the handicap stall the other day, scrolling through the feeds. You know, a normal morning in the office. I came across The Six Occupations Most Likely To Get You Laid At A Bar, when it actually got me thinking: what are the most ridiculous occupations people have said they do to a potential mate at the bar?
I decided to conduct nature’s most scientific study known to man: I blasted a bunch of group texts. Girls. Guys. Puppies. I covered all my tracks. It was pretty simple. “Hey freaks – what’s the craziest/weirdest thing a guy has told you he does for a living at a bar / craziest thing you’ve told a girl at the bar you do for a living.”
The results were a mix of good, bad, and ugly. So I graded them based on creativity and likelihood of actually getting you laid.
If you use these this weekend, proceed with caution.
Lies They Told
“I’m majoring in fire safety.”
This one wasn’t said as a profession but rather as a major, but I still wanted to include it simply because it worked. Actually, not sure if it got him laid but the girl believed it. Asked him all these questions about his classes and teachers (Smokey the Bear, perhaps?). “Ladies, let me show you where the exits are…you know…for fire safety.”
GRADE: B
“Stay-at-home dad.”
There are no words. But for those ladies that are into DILFs…
GRADE: D+
“I am in Sesame Street on Ice.”
This came from an ex, so it may impact my grade. When we were together, she also used to tell people she dressed up as Dale at Disney World (as in the chipmunk) which was a complete fabrication and it drove me B-A-N-A-N-A-S. But I like this Sesame Street on Ice one because they can’t call your bullshit. They can’t have you prove it, unless the bar was next to a frozen pond. It also helps if you’re trying to plan your getaway. “Yeah, the show is hitting up Seattle in a few days, so…”
GRADE: B-
“I ghost-wrote Eat Pray Love.”
Not exactly sure why this one tickled my weenus but my funny bone was on fire when I heard this one. Like what a random book to ghost write. And the thing is, no guy is going to call BS on it. How is he supposed to know it’s a memoir from ten years ago? He won’t. But it’s believable and impressive. Every guy has heard of Eat Pray Love, but no guy has read Eat Pray Love. Not sure if it got this gal laid though. “Wanna come back to my place?” “Negative ghost-writer, the tower is full.”
GRADE: A-
Lies They Heard
“I’m working with P.Diddy promoting Ciroc White.”
This one is cool, until they begin to poke holes in the story. You’ll have to answer so many questions about Sean (Combs). But you can fill them up with soft promises of lifetime supplies of Ciroc White. At the end of the day, is it really even a lie? Just by name dropping it, he’s promoting it. So, technically not such a lie. And not so creative or sexy.
GRADE: C
“I wrangle stingrays.”
Why does one wrangle stingrays? Marine biology? To eat? Maybe there’s a black market for rays. Who knows. All I know is that stingray wranglers live dangerously. They’re mysterious. Stingray wranglers fuck. I know this. You know this. They know this. I just don’t think this job flies anywhere except Florida.
GRADE: B-
“Firefighter” *proceeds to pick her up, throw her over his shoulder, and carry her around the bar*
No originality points for the actual job, but all the execution points. Perfect tens across the board. Literally like, “Oh, you don’t believe me?” Then picking her up, throwing her into a firemen’s carry, and basically daring her to say he’s not a firefighter. “If I didn’t fight fires, could I do this?!”
GRADE: B+
“I’m the guy that writes the descriptions on the Comcast TV guide.”
This is it. This one is pure genius. The guy that writes the two to three sentence Comcast descriptions? What an electric job. I love when the captions get snarky and the writer adds their own bit of commentary. “All-star cast wasted on flat dialogue.” Imagine if you actually had this job? Nobody would ever believe you! And yet, I’m sure they couldn’t’ stop asking you questions. Bottom line: this job is the greatest conversation starter. If the real TV guide writer doesn’t have a revolving door in his smash room, fire him and find someone who can serve this occupation justice.
GRADE: A+
Okay, so those were a few of my dumb friends. What are your best lies? What’re the best you’ve heard? .
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
A few years back at a fraternity conference in Vegas I found out that one of my bros had been telling people that he was the son of Aubrey McClendon (at that point one of the biggest names in the oil business) and that I was the son of the Governor of Oklahoma (which sounds awful, but I digress). Eventually he starts spewing this bullshit to a group of drunk Irish guys by the pool. They didn’t understand what a governor was so he described it to them as “the prince of Oklahoma.”
They proceeded to cover all our tabs and get us into VIP shit (at the Flamingo, so how VIP is it really?). Anything for the prince.
“Hey my name’s Brad, but everyone just calls me the jackhammer” success rate: 1%
“I really like my job”
A buddy of mine used to tell girls that he was a backup singer for kidz bop when he was younger.
Was on a cruise with buddies a couple years ago. I work with and around astronauts, which when drunk can easily be misinterpreted as girls thinking I am an astronaut. At the beginning of the cruise, I corrected them and told them what I really do. By the end of the cruise I was having packs of 22 year old, naive women come up to me asking if I was the guy who was in astronaut training school. By then I had given up. So the last night, I embraced my inner astronaut.
I have no complaints on the turnout.
As a joke, I once told a girl I taught French to inner-city dead children. With the way her eyes lit up, I really should have kept going.
*… deaf children. Damn auto-correct.
I’m glad you corrected that because I was about to have so many questions about teaching French to inner-city dead children and how any woman would believe that.
Sometimes I lie because it’s easier to make up a story than to explain what I actually do. That was when I was single, but let’s be honest I’m married now and never go out to bars.
I’m at the airport. Try explaining.
Told one woman I was gay so she would leave me alone and then proceeded to go home with her friend.
In college some brothers and I would get drunk and just introduce ourselves as each other. We would take this all the way too, including exchanging numbers. This was especially fun when you got laid and your buddy receives texts the next day asking when you are going to hang out again and such. The perfect dine and dash if you will.
2 close friends and I still do this shit all the time, probably going on 7 years now. The entertainment is endless, especially as we all fight to keep straight faces.
My buddies and I were hitting on a group of girls from eastern Europe at a bar. I said something ridiculous and a buddy said “easy there cowboy.” The girls thought that that meant I was a real cowboy so I entertained them with tales from the trail for the rest of the night. Pretty successful night