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Let’s dive right into this scenario. You stumble out of your favorite drinking establishment smelling like sweat, booze, and shame. You walk over to your Uber, and since you’re definitely not getting laid tonight there’s only one thing on your mind: food. You need something greasy, salty, sweet, cheesy, or all of the above. The PGP squad gives you their take on their favorite drunk food.
My favorite drunk food is pancakes. Most recently, we had a visitor from South Africa in town. Wanting to be a good host, I pulled a Prince and made him some pancakes. At 2 a.m.There may or may not have been some of the green dragon involved as well to stir up the munchies. I had some leftover blueberries in the freezer from last summer’s pick. So from scratch, I made blueberry buttermilk pancakes for like ten people. I always keep buttermilk on hand just in case we need pancakes. Game. Blouses.– MadoffInvestment
No surprise my drunk food is pizza. I judge every pizza place off a slice of traditional cheese seasoned with Red pepper flakes and Old Bay.– PostGradShibby
I’m truly #blessed to have almost always lived near Whataburger during my drinking years. A bacon, egg, and cheese taquito + the GOAT Honey-Butter Chicken Biscuit dominate the drunk food game like nothing else. Not to mention it’s a go-to for soaking up your hangover the next morning. Also don’t sleep on a Frito pie from any venue that serves them; excellent drunk snack. — Kyle Bandujo
It’s 2 am. I’m hammered drunk on vodka sodas. The bar bouncers tell me to leave for the 4th time. I stumble out into the street, and order an Uber. When I get into the car, the driver asks my destination. With glazed over eyes, I slur two beautiful words; two words that have passed my drunken lips so many times before: “Jimmy John’s.” I blow some Drake up on the aux cord, and Uber drops me off at my sandwich palace. Immediately, I go on autopilot: Beach Club, no tomatoes, no cucumbers. It’s a no-nonsense, delicious option that a blackout OR sober Taylor enjoys. If you are what you eat, I’m probably approximately 75% Beach Club already.–Taylor Stovall
I’ll be honest – I consume an ungodly amount of Domino’s. Ever since they changed their crust, they changed my life. My go-to is stumbling out of the bar around 1:45, calling my Uber so I don’t get my dick surge priced off and as soon as I have a driver en route hitting up Dommies on their mobile app. Whoever designed it must have drunk assholes like me in mind because it’s a breeze to punch in my standard order – two medium pizzas (one with tomato sauce, pepperoni, and sausage, one with garlic parmesan white sauce, chicken and bacon) and have them delivered right as my Uber rolls back with me and whoever I’ve convinced to come home and watch Wet Hot American Summer with me on any given night. Plus with two pizzas, you always have hangover food for the next morning.–Crick Watson MD
It used to be Chinese food but now I can’t have a scallion pancake without gaining 3 pounds. So now I choose organic quinoa with hummus. Dead serious — Improper Brostonian
Whataburger. I like a diversity, so I’ll go with a bacon-egg taquito w/chicken strips tandem, or a taquito with chicken strips combo. If that’s not available, take me to Taco Cabana and watch me lay the wood to fajita tacos. Not quite sizzle, but close enough. — Dave
I try to avoid eating drunk food nowadays because my metabolism ain’t what it used to be, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Fat Sandwich. They were a go-to when I was in college at University of Illinois and now they have a shop in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago. They take the most absurd combination of meats and fried food, put them on an 8 inch roll with fries on top, and give it a classy name. For instance, my favorite is the Fat MILF, which has cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, bacon, mayo, ketchup on it. And like any good drunk food, these unholy abominations should only be consumed between the hours of 2 and 5 in the morning after a night out on the tiles. — Chris Bourg
My drunk love affair with pizza began in college. There was a pizza place smack in the middle of the bars that very smartly stayed open until the bars closed selling slices on the sidewalk. Now, the only food I want when I’m drunk is a good piece of ‘za – although a lot of pizza places in Boston haven’t caught on to the genius of staying open late enough to hop onto the drunk-eats train. That’s probably why one of my favorite parts of NYC is the 3am 2 slices and a soda for $2.50 deal.– 2NOTBrokeGirls
Just because I know everyone is going to say pizza, I’ll go with a cheeseburger as my favorite drunk food. Yeah, it’s not an on the go food like pizza is, but it’s more filling and just…I don’t know it’s better. — Johnny D
Pizza. Highlights include downloading the Domino’s app while shitfaced, hand-feeding a slice to an equally hammered stranger, and plowing through half a freshly purchased ‘za while waiting on a street corner for an Uber. One of my most frequent Google searches is “pizza near me” for those times I’m not familiar with my surroundings and Domino’s has stopped delivering. It’s a messy life. — Best
Cook Out restaurant, without a doubt. Only found from Virginia to Georgia — and recently added to my old Kentucky home — there is no better value on the market for the awesomest combination of random drunk food, and the fact that it stays open until 4:00 am with Chik-fil-A-esque customer service makes me smile. Ordering trays, as they are colloquially referred to, full of a legitimately chargrilled burger, a hearty beef quesadilla, corndog, and large sweet tea for under six bucks after tax is what fourth meal dreams are made of. — Intern Evan
In my later years, I’ve actually lost my love for drunk eating. But they say there’s a sandwich in every beer, so I’ll have to go with that. — Will deFries .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
I’d rather get fat than eat organic quinoa with hummus. Hook your boy up with an italian beef or combo with some cheese fries.
A good Italian beef is my top 3 favorite foods. Living in the suburbs, it’s generally not a 2am drunk option. But man, when you’re day drunk and you convince someone to make a run for beefs, it’s just a special thing.
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Must be getting a lot of beef with that $11k-$13k a month you little twat.
Wafflehouse. It’s not just food, it’s an experience.
A drunk gyro is a lovely thing. A lovely thing you are 100% not getting laid after eating, but still tasty.
For a while, best drunk food on the planet was the Kraft Mac and Cheese you could get in the Burger King drive through. But now that that’s gone, it’s the Cheesy Gordita Crunch from T-Bell.
If you still have your wits and the ingredients. Make a burger in one pan, and a grilled cheese in another. Put said burger in between your grilled cheese and enjoy. Just don’t leave the stove on…..
Cookout is incredible for the price, drunk or sober. Damn I’m ready for lunch already.
Street meat is my go-to. Nothing quite like a greasy hot dog smothered in nacho cheese and jalapenos at 2AM.
Loaded cheese fries. Throw some brisket on top while you’re at it
Fat sandwich is fucking awesome. All the drunk food you could want piled on to one sandwich and covered with fries. Also a great way to soak up a hangover.
Fat Sandwich was the one place in Chicago that I always wanted to go when I lived there, but never made it there. One of these days…
6th street is littered with little pizza shops that’ve saved my drunk ass on multiple occasions. Grabbing a slice between bars is the best rally food you’ll find