Companies Are Hiring Millennials For $20,000 Per Hour To Pretty Much Babysit Other Millennials

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What a strange world we live in. While my fellow young people and I continuously take it on the chin from student loans, there are companies out there shelling out $20k an hour to teach companies how to cater us young people, per The Wall Street Journal.

Millennial issues also have become a source of income for a host of self-anointed experts who say they can interpret young workers’ whims and aspirations—sometimes for as much as $20,000 an hour. Oracle, Red Robin Gourmet Burgers Inc. and Time Warner Inc.’s HBO have retained millennial advisers to stem turnover, market to young people and ensure their happiness at work.

Back in our parents’ days, they could show up with their high school diploma, a handshake (recommended firm, none of that wet noodle malarkey) and they’d be starting on Monday. Fast forward thirty years and they get a comfy pension, kickass benefits, and a social security that is more than I make. These benefits have since long been disposed of because they are (wait for it) unsustainable.

Maybe it’s too easy to use common sense, maybe I am a piece-of-shit millennial, or maybe it’s because I went to college and some people I work with require help to turn on their computer yet still make more than me. Many of these “Baby Boomers” never were forced to go to college or to keep up with the times, so they hire young people fresh from college (like yours truly) to do all the nitty gritty, fill them in on it and then look like rockstars. It’s no wonder disgruntled young professionals leave because it gets quite tiring catering to others without any respect.

For young people trying to move up the ladder, we can’t wait for these geriatric bastards to leave so we can pay off the loans for college. We were told, “If you study hard, you can do anything you want!” It’s no wonder these same idiots with their high school diplomas have no idea about memes, social media or any of that jazz.

Maybe it’s because we are the most educated generation that some of my fellow young compatriots have decided to be innovative. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve offered my help to coworkers old enough to be my parents to be met with a “Wow, this used to take me two weeks,” compartmentalizing their once two-week task to three hours. Unfortunately, doing logistics and helping keep the machines oiled doesn’t matter when there’s a meeting. I feel like I’m at the damn kids tables trying to bring new technology into the office space only to be ignored, and I know I’m not alone.

Having been in the target demographic but not suave enough to cash in the big bucks for my time, I have a few ideas and these big wig companies can have them for free. My undergraduate in Internet Studies with a focus in memes can finally shine.

1. Half day Fridays
2. Vouchers for happy hour
3. Reasonable raises that cover cost of living to pay off loans
4. Work from home at least once a week
5. Three days off a year for bachelor parties
6. St. Patrick’s Day, 4/20, 5th of July, any day where a holiday is on a Thursday or Tuesday giving the Monday or Friday off for a four-day weekend.

There’s a general trend in this. We don’t need as much time as you because we paid out the ass to be on top of the technological food chain. I really only do about four hours a week of work while many of my coworkers will ask how to streamline their work. Maybe these companies aren’t crazy; we are the future after all. .

[via Wall Street Journal]

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Madoff

I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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