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This is less of an open letter and more of a free guide to help you not completely blow it in the days, weeks, months and years following your shockingly uneventful walk across a stage. I’ve tried to fill it with some decent nuggets of wisdom from a guy who’s sleepwalked through a very good gig after college, had no clue what he wanted to do in life besides not lose touch with friends, went to grad school, changed careers, started a business, and now occasionally hires people in the Uber-less town of Austin, Texas.
I’m not saying that these are the, as my first boss used to say, “keys to the castle,” but I think there are some decent takeaways here. At a minimum, you’ll be less of a tool as you figure out what you want to do in life.
Don’t do law school or grad school just to buy yourself more time.
Unless that trust fund is about to kick in, or you’ve got a full ride because you managed to not torpedo your academics in undergrad, don’t you dare make this mistake. Grad school isn’t the place to tread water because a.) it costs money, and b.) it’s a waste of time if you don’t commit. Speaking directly to those of you considering law school:
Don’t do it unless you’re balls deep in the idea of practicing law. I know too many people who just did law school because they did decently on the LSAT. Terrible plan. I mean, I can work a room reasonably well, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be running for office. There are better ways to stall your transition besides accumulating debt and having some career academic flame your timid ass in front of a classroom full of type-A personalities.
Shine your shoes.
Had an adjunct professor in law school once tell my entire class that he refused to hire qualified candidates that had scuffs on their shoes. Kind of psycho, yes, but I weirdly respect it. Just make a habit to shine those deal sleds before you step out of the apartment for an interview, wedding, or just to strut around town like you’re important.
Stop showing up late.
What is late these days? Is late actually “on time” as some publications have discussed? If you’re reading this as a soon to be college grad on the job hunt, late for you means arriving 14 minutes before the interview. 15 is the number that every counselor and recruiter will tell you, and I’m not going to fuss with them on that point. As long as you’re in there making nervous small-talk with Amy at the front desk 15 minutes before the interview, you’ll have enough time to get back into Jordan Game 6 mode. Hell, make it 20. Just make sure you don’t enter the building any sooner than 15 minutes before the interview. You’ll risk looking like a try-hard, and Amy at the front will get tired of watching you fidget around in the lobby. As someone who recruited in a previous life and now hires human beings, I can tell you that you don’t want to be remembered as the guy who interviewed well but was a few minutes late. Someone else who had the foresight to check the traffic report and leave early will interview well too. It’s really not that difficult.
Now, if you’re reading this as a recent entrant into the corporate grind, also stop showing up late. Even if you think your boss is the cool boss who doesn’t really mind if you walk in a few minutes after 8, you should probably stop because the allegedly cool boss takes mental notes too. I know you had a valid excuse that traffic was terrible on I-30, but traffic is always kind of terrible on I-30. Adjust your game plan and leave a few minutes earlier. It’s really not that difficult. Being in an entry-to-mid-level gig means you’re very likely competing with similarly situated peers for some kind of promotion. Unless you’re cool with having a minimal chance at advancing in the world of business, show up early and put out the grind vibe.
Don’t even bring drinking and driving into the equation.
You know yourself. If you’re really just going to have “a couple beers” like you said, then maybe you’re all good. But it won’t take you long to realize that’s bullshit. It’s never 2 beer, dog. Especially when you’re under the age of 30. You’re rarely going to turn down the chance to check out another bar, because you’re a kid in constant search of a chill sitch. Leave your car at home and take Uber or Lyft. Or if your city has somehow managed to make their city less safe and convenient by driving extremely innovative tech companies like Uber or Lyft out of town all because of a misguided and smug sense of protecting their town against big bad corporations that make all of our lives better like say, Austin, Texas, then take a cab.
Don’t leave right at 5.
Similar to “Stop showing up late,” being a clockwatcher is not a good look. You know, the person that bails right when their day technically ends. That was me after college. At 22, I had no idea I was doing anything wrong, and then someone told me about the whole perception thing. Even if you’re dominating between 8 and 5, packing up and rolling out at the time your employment agreement states your day is done can give off a negative vibe depending on your office culture. Is your boss still there? Are older employees still there? Is your competition still there? If so, hang around and clean up your inbox or maybe get some actual work done. Or hey, here’s an idea: fake it. Nobody will know what the hell you’re doing, but they’ll see you there hunched over that keyboard like everyone else.
Speak up.
Let’s get inspirational for a moment. One time I got passed over for a fairly big promotion in favor of a slightly older guy who started months after me. He had a young family and a mortgage to worry about, and I had a car payment and weekend trips to plan for. Pretty much a no-brainer. Well, I was fucking livid. I thought that since everyone liked me, they’d just hand it to me. What a moron. It wasn’t until one of my mentors noticed I was being a little bitch about everything that it came out that I wanted that promotion. I didn’t tell anybody. I had a false sense of entitlement that makes me cringe to even think about.
You can’t expect people to read your mind. If you don’t like the status quo, you’ll never be happy just sitting there bitching about it to your cube mate. Speak up and show some initiative to the power players around the office. Even if what you’re presenting is a terrible idea, they should respect you for taking a shot. If they don’t, you probably need to get the hell out of there anyway.
Hope this helps the transition. If all else fails, just read this site every day and let us get you through the week..
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
@dcruff
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david@grandex.co
Start your 401k ASAP, and put as much in it as you reasonably can.
Don’t carry a CC balance.
Don’t get fat.
All three are much easier to not screw up in the first place than to dig out from. Trust me.
Don’t buy a new/expensive car.
Unless, you know, it’s a really cool car.
Guarantee you’ll wish you saved the money down the road.
“If I had back all the money I ever spent on cars, I’d buy more cars.” – Nick Mason, car collector, and Pink Floyd drummer
“If I had back all the money I ever spent on cars, I’d pay my cell phone bill and child support.” – The majority of retired NBA and NFL players.
I have friends who are buying new cars after graduating and still living with their parents. I don’t see how moves like that make sense to anyone.
It’s called Long Island, New York. Shitty little dump of a house…and there are 5-7 really damn nice cars parked out front. It’s nuts. Thank god my final grandparent died and I never again have to go past Manhattan.
Was about to upvote then I read the last sentence. Really took a dark turn there
PREACH!
Reiterate cc balances. Buy a house in a good area and rent to your buddies. Renting is for peasants..owning is for bosses. Network, drinks count. If you don’t golf ( first of all, you’re a loser if you don’t but..) start. Find a mentor. Work hard, but party BALLS!!!
But only buy a house if you are certain about where you are/want to be. You don’t want to be stuck with something that it difficult to sell when you are trying to get to a different area. If you can rent something super cheap and can deal with it for a little bit, its not that bad of an idea.
The best advice I learned about promptness was from my Pledge Ed:
“If you’re early, then you’re on time. If you’re on time, then you’re late. And if you’re late, then you’re fucked.”
Does a Drill Instructor qualify as a pledge educator?
That’s a definite yes
How the fuck are you late to anything in recruit training? You are literally being told what to do 24/7.
In my experience: If you’re late, you’re pushing as punishment. If you’re too early, you’re pushing to kill time.
Let him do his thing man. He has over 30 “nice work” on that comment.
True, I got a little excited, my bad.
I don’t disagree with the “stay after five mentality”, but seriously, where did that start, because it’s kind of ridiculous. like leaving at a normal hour is looked down upon. craziness.
My boss tells me to go home if I’m done for the day, but most days I’m done at about 1 doing any actual work that needs to be done. Even working ahead can only get me so far given the nature of my job. So I just chill for 3.5 hours pretending to be busy. Still not sure what the hell my coworkers do who are there much longer hours than I am when our jobs are identical.
You got very lucky with a cool boss. Your coworkers are doing the same thing as you, but if they’re over 40, they’re probably just really slow at doing the same amount of work. Or they’re in a silent competition to be the last one out the door.
Probably pretending like they have work to do so they can give off the vibe to the higher-ups that they’re really grinding it out.
Depends on where you are in your career and how long you’ve been at the job. If you have proven yourself as someone who is competent and reliable sure leave before the bell. If you are borderline, leaving early could be the thing that tips the balance when layoffs come. Somethings are within your control and somethings are outside. Your presence at your workplace is the most within your control. Your intelligence / competency is much less so.
Could be worse. Could be a Japanese salesman.
After graduating, I realized most people in the job market were total clowns just pretending to have it together. If you can set yourself above that then you have already won half the battle. Just fake it till you make it.
Use Glassdoor. The reviews of my company are some of the most brutal, eye-opening things I’ve ever read and they’ve motivated me to move on.
Counter-point: unless you work in HR, there’s never a real good incentive to write a review unless you hated it. So you’ll probably get a general vibe of the place (work-life balance, promotion) but you won’t find out something like how the skills you learn there now permit you to write your ticket anywhere.
… I may be speaking from experience.
I used to work at a restaurant where the owner asked employees to write positive Yelp reviews to help them get a better rating and I wouldn’t be shocked if people did that for Glassdoor too.
I’m trying to think of the last time I saw a company on Glassdoor have more than 3 stars. If they’re telling employees to write a positive review, they’re not very convincing.
I’ve seen some that have 3.6 or 3.7 rating.
Mine has a stellar 1.6 rating
“I like my company. They tell me I’m nice. It’s a great company.”
Coming from a soon to be college grad on the job hunt, this article was greatly appreciated.
Start hunting now. Like right now. Get off this site and start hunting. Grab your rifle, put on your camo and hunt for a job like your liver depends on it.
People still have functioning livers after college?
You’ll drink more after college than during college. Your ability to be a functioning alcoholic is about to hit an all time high where it will plateau until you near 30 and the hangovers become absolutely monstrous.
Well this has me excited and terrified at the same time.
It’s a rough go at first, but don’t give up after the first Friday you show up sweaty, stinky, bleary-eyed, and nauseous. You’ll get through the day and each successive hangover becomes more manageable. After 4 – 5 years of this you’ll experience a bad Monday / two day hangover which will give you cause to consider cooling your jets, which you won’t for a while. Or you’ll get married and pretty much stop going out after 10:30 altogether.
It’s an open debate if I drink more on weeknights or weekends.
Yeah, otherwise you have to explain away any gap in your work history. “Other companies didn’t want to hire me” doesn’t exactly scream “I’m your guy” to companies.
Oh, and welcome. It’s a lot less exciting here than TFM, but you’ll slowly learn to appreciate this place and the darkly-humorous degenerates that call it home
and thanks for the welcome! I’ve always been a fan of some darkly-humored degenerates.
I’m not too worried about facing a gap in my work history just yet. I probably should mention that still have one semester left before my graduation, so i’m not in immediate danger of a gap, but i’m definitely working on where i’ll end up post grad. I’m currently working for a company that has made it clear they would love to have me join the companies marketing department once I graduate. However, I know anything could happen in the oncoming months so I keep myself constantly on the lookout for other post grad opportunities.
To pile on:
Keep your linkedin up to date, but make sure you turn off the setting that basically posts to the timeline that you have made changes. Recruiters will be coming to you and it is valuable to know what options are out there if you want to leave.
Contrary to popular belief, save your physical and mental health and don’t look for a job. You won’t become an alchoholic as fast and you’ll actually have time to be a living person with real feelings and thoughts. If you choose to ignore my sincere advice, start making an email folder and label it “Job Rejections” and throw your resume to every god forsaken place that is hiring. You’ll see that folder get stuffed faster than your asshole after corporate America has sodomized you. Sell drugs. No seriously, sell fucking drugs because you’ll make more money than your friends with cushy office jobs and health insurance. Build up a respectable clientele because literally everyone uses drugs. How can you not after looking around at the world we live in. Don’t be wooed by office perks like salary or insurance or vacation time because remember, drugs are like little,mini vacations for poor people, that’s why so many people are on them these days. You’re never going to pay off your student debt anyway so grow a beard, get a good hunting dog, a couple nice guns, and leave society for a better life in the comforts of the mountain forest.
Stay up to date with what’s happening in your field. This includes competitors doing well, poorly, and anywhere in between. Also, have a good feel for who’s firing and who’s hiring. You should always have an up to date resume and list of contacts you can call should A) shit hits the fan, or B) you see a better opportunity you might want to jump at.
Don’t speak to people this way, but you need to assume everyone is an incompetent child, because they most likely are. Getting used to hand holding adults through seemingly simple tasks is essentially life. I work in staffing and am appalled by the handholding that’s required of me in order to be successful (reminding adults to where suits to an interview, showing up 10-15 minutes early, not quitting without any notice etc). You’d think that since these people are our parents age they’d get it by now, but they don’t.
Point is, if you can make someone else’s life easier by proactively going the extra mile, hell even going the extra foot, get in a routine of doing it. 95% of people in the workforce will send off emails or ask stupid questions that could easily be answered with three seconds of thought. Plus, people will notice and it helps make you stand out. It’s annoying as frustrating as hell, but what in life isn’t besides happy hour and puppies?
Attorney here; can 100% confirm that nearly all adults are actually incompetent children.
If you want to go to grad school, find a company that will pay for you to go to grad school while you work for them
My first boss post grad would walk around and turn off our lights at four to tell us to go home. Left that department and learned that everyone else hates those guys…