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As I write this, I’m cruising across the Atlantic Ocean on a cruise ship in a private balcony room on my way to Bermuda. Yes, I’m on vacation, but because I’m dedicated to all of you, I couldn’t leave you hanging on a Monday morning without giving you the weekly breakdown of some people that had a worse weekend than you – and definitely had a worse weekend than me. So let’s do this, shall we? I’ve got a pina colada with my name on it waiting for me.
Larry Wilmore
Saturday night brought what has been dubbed “the nerd prom” AKA, The Annual White House Correspondents Dinner. I’m not sure how nerdy it was, since Kendall Jenner was there, but there does seem to be consensus about one this – comedian Larry Wilmore struck out.
According to The New York Post, the cause for Wilmore’s bombing was simple: “it’s because he targeted the media for his jokes, barely touching on Obama’s near eight-year presidency.” Instead, Wilmore cracked jokes at the expense of various news people, asking how CNN’s Wolf Blitzer is still on television, referring to Blitzer’s colleague Don Lemon as an “alleged journalist” and MSNBC’s Morning Joe “so far up Donald Trump’s ass, it bumped into Chris Christie.” All fair jokes, but when the audience is journalists who take themselves a bit too seriously, it’s probably wiser to pick on the politicians. [via New York Post]
Starbucks
When you are at the top of the game, it’s natural that people try and take you down, right? And given that most of us delegate a significant portion of our paychecks to them, it’s pretty clear that Starbucks is at the top of the coffee game. So of course, people are suing them left and right.
The new lawsuit against the chain accuses them of something I’m pretty sure all of us figured out a long time ago – that they are totally screwing us when it comes to filling up our cups. The suit states, “Starbucks’ cold drinks are under-filled to make more money and higher profits to the detriment of consumers who are misled by Starbucks’ intentionally misleading advertising practices.” Or, in simpler terms – when it comes to their cold bevvies, our beloved baristas are giving us more ice than coffee and the suit accuses the chain of “fraud, negligent misrepresentation, unjust enrichment and breach of implied warranty” over the issue. This suit comes a month after a similar suit was filed accusing ‘Bux of fucking us over on hot drinks as well.
No offense, people, but how exactly did it take you this long to figure out that Starbucks is screwing us over? I mean, you are paying 6.29 for a COFFEE multiple times a week. Can’t blame them for taking advantage of fact that we are a bunch of caffeine-fueled suckers, can you? [via New York Daily News]
Dale Earnhardt Jr.
I know NOTHING about NASCAR. Like, nada. It’s just not my thing. But you don’t need to know much about car racing to know that it’s a bit difficult to drive a regular car, never mind a race car, with no steering wheel. Which is what happened to Earnhardt this weekend during a race at Talladega. (Which I only know is a real place because of Ricky Bobby.)
Junior qualified third for Sunday’s race and has won six times on this particular track, so things were looking good before a crash in the 50th lap took him off the course. He was able to get back on during Lap 96, but he was pretty much out of it. And then this happened:
.@DaleJr lost his steering wheel and amazingly drove with his hand. #Geico500 pic.twitter.com/YfWt8wdLMm
— XFINITY Racing (@XFINITYRacing) May 1, 2016
It’s reported that Earnhardt tore up his hand pretty badly while using the column to steer the car sans wheel. Meanwhile, the Texas Motor Speedway dropped an amazing tweet in response to the incident:
.@DaleJr casually says his steering wheel came off earlier during the race. 😳 #Geico500 pic.twitter.com/iedlDVfl2q
— Texas Motor Speedway (@TXMotorSpeedway) May 1, 2016
[via Bleacher Report]
Saw Jet Star
Oh, this poor kid, doomed before he even gets started in life because his parents are assholes who named him after an airline.
First baby born on Jetstar flight! Congrats to mum and baby, all well in Yangon now. https://t.co/B4woFIUqwn pic.twitter.com/4SMsTE97NM
— Jetstar Asia (@Jetstar_Asia) April 26, 2016
Saw was born last week after his mom unexpectedly went into labor on a Jetstar flight from Singapore to Myanmar. He was safely delivered by three doctors who were on the flight, and passengers welcomed his arrival with a round of applause, so Mom decided to name her previous child after the discount airline. In return, the carrier said it would “donate SGD1,000 (around $745) worth of baby supplies to the family.”
Fortunately, the baby is healthy and has been discharged from the hospital. Unfortunately for him, he’s stuck with being named after a discount airline for the rest of his life. Although, I suppose it could be worse – they could have been flying Malaysia Air. (Too soon?) [via CNN]
Laremy Tunsil
It’s actually a little bit difficult to feel bad for Tunsil who realized the lifelong dream of millions of little kids when he was drafted by the Miami Dolphins and will likely make more money than any of us will ever see. But then again, his own stupidity cost him a higher pick and a few million dollars, so even though he’s doing ok, he probably had a crappy weekend.
If you live under a rock, here’s the saga that unfolded around Tunsil last week. Immediately prior to Thursday’s draft, a weird-ass video of Tunsil smoking weed while wearing a gas mask randomly dropped on Tunsil’s verified Twitter account. It’s being widely speculated the video caused the Ravens to pass on Tunsil at the number six pick, dropping him to 13 and costing him around $7 million dollars.
Then shit got weirder – after he was selected, a text message conversation showed up on Tunsil’s Instagram account that is allegedly between Ole Miss assistant athletic director John Miller and Tunsil about paying rent and electric bills for Tunsil’s mother – a clear violation of NCAA policy, causing yet another issue for a program that has had its share of issues with the NCAA. Then, on Friday, Tunsil was a no-show to a news conference with the Dolphins due to an “allergic reaction;” although he did show up for another presser later in the day. Oh, and never mind that Tunsil was sued earlier in the week by his stepfather over a fight between the two last summer – one that launched another NCAA investigation into “improper benefits” that had led to Tunsil being suspended for seven games last year.
All in all, this dude seems more suspect than the shrimp cocktail at an all-you-can-eat buffet. But yet, during the press conference he actually showed up for, Tunsil stressed that he has “no character issues at all.” I think the internet may say otherwise. [via ESPN]
Image via YouTube
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
OK, I’m not going to watch a 23 minute video. Especially not one with Larry fucking Wilmore in it. That dude has never been funny, and he’s never been anything more than a race-baiting bastard. He’s not a comedian, and he’s not a journalist. Neither is Trevor Noah. They rank about as high on my level of respect as some YouTube fashion personality. The fact that he dropped the “N word” during a presidential event, and Obama CONDONED it, is nothing less than disgusting. I hope the next person who becomes president is elected because they love America, not because of their race or gender. Fuck you Larry, you conceited piece of shit.
Blood pressure. It’s barely the start of the week, man
I find this level of rage kind of hot, kind of scary.
Something something Danger Zone!
Damn dude.
Well you don’t wanna love America too much if you don’t want a bullet in your head. Just ask JFK or Abraham Lincoln about that.
Agree, I miss the old Daily Show / Colbert – all Noah & Wilmore do is ultra PC / race baiting jokes.. and this is coming from a liberal
pahahahah
Larry Wilmore’s bit was hilarious. He just wrote it for everyone but the audience. And honestly, getting bent out of shape because he said, “To keep it real, Obama, you my nigga” is almost as ridiculous as getting so bent out of shape about something you didn’t even bother watching.
It was similar to Colbert’s 2006 WHCD speech: the joke was on the audience.
Yeah, my favorite comedians are the ones that make jokes that no one else thinks are funny.
Who said no one else thought it was funny? I said he was performing for us, not for the journalists who take themselves waaaaaaaaaay too seriously.
Damn man, you gotta chill, that was a lot. Is the Daily Show that bad now? Are… are you saying Obama was elected because of white guilt?
It certainly wasn’t for his experience.
I’m sure it had nothing to do with the shit show that was the GOP ticket.
I used to love the Daily Show when Jon hosted it. I didn’t agree with everything he said, but he made a lot of intelligent arguments and he was actually funny. Trevor is a black and liberal pandering dipshit who doesn’t respect this country or the job that he’s been given. It’s basically a Bernie loving Tosh.0 or @midnight. Obama is the biggest two mistakes of the 21st century, and it’s not because he’s black. It’s because he’s gotten nothing done. He had a Democratic Congress at his disposal and did jack shit and then was surprised when people voted Republicans into the house. Most of the jobs he’s take credit for were created by the oil industry he so despises. End rant.
Nah, to all of that.
Well technically, Noah is mixed races, and he’s not really required to respect this country. I think CC was looking for someone to hone the helm of the Daily Show for the next 15 years and picked a young, lesser-known comedian who just didn’t have the same style as Stewart or Colbert. They probably would have been better off just letting the show go or at least give it a year or two. Noah actually has some funny standup material, but he just doesn’t have the right delivery for the humor of the show.
Trevor Noah has also been in charge of his job for less than a year, expecting him to hilarious with all of his jokes about a different political process and different culture seems unrealistic. I have no idea how funny Jon Stewart was when he first started his show, I’m willing to give Noah time.
He’s not not saying that
Once again, Jon Rocker is the voice of reason
This column means Monday is here. #PGP
Even if you order an iced coffee but get the ice in a separate cup, forcing them to fill the other cup with coffee, Starbucks will still always win because they’ll have to procure more cups which will also probably screw us in the long run because they’ll raise prices but it will also lead to more plastic waste, which will lead to accelerating global warming, which in turn will cause the earth to heat up in other regions, which would then motivate people to buy more iced coffees, which would increase Stabuck’s profits 10 fold to the point where they enslave us with their cleverly worded advertisements and social media flare until we extinct ourselves in the process. Guys, not every conspiracy is a theory, alright?
Any Bar Rescue viewer will tell you that you always fill the glass to the top with ice so it doesn’t melt too fast, diluting the drink.
NOW CLEAN THIS PLACE UP
Wilmore dropping the n-bomb will fade into memory when next year John Oliver refers to Cruz as “My Exulted Sovereign Lord of Everlasting Damnation.”
Aw, it’s sweet that you think Cruz will be relevant next year.