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This week we’ve got two questions, one from each sex. Keep ‘em comin’. As always, questions are in quotes.
Hey Johnny.
Love your columns and hopefully you could help me out here. A little background about myself: I went to a tech-school in the midwest and I’m graduating the first week of May. I have a great job that I’ve been interning at and will be working there full time as soon as I’m done. The kicker is I’m only 20 years old and will be that way until this coming January, so I’ll be entering the Post-Grad world a lot sooner than most. Kinda exciting and also a little nerve-racking.
Now on to my problem. I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for almost 3 months now. Things have been great. She’s funny, loves sports, I can give her shit and she gives it right back and we always have a blast when we’re together. The issue is she’s 23 and can do all the things that most Post-Grads can do, yet I can’t. She also has A LOT of guy friends. So whenever she’s out I’m always seeing her with them while I’m just left behind. Now, I don’t want to come off as the guy who’s always worrying what his chick’s doing because I trust her but I’ve never really had this problem before. It’s just that lingering thought that if something did happen, I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t there.
Give it to me straight: How would you go about handling this and what advice would you give me?
Thanks
P.S. whenever I say that I always see her with them, I meant via snapchat. Don’t want you thinking I’m creeping
No offense, but you’re coming off as the guy who’s always worrying about what his chick’s doing. Your words not mine. It doesn’t sound like you trust her when you’re not in her immediate vicinity. That’s a red flag. Any good relationship needs to be built around the trust that you don’t seem to have. I’ve been there before, man. And just a heads up, my story, which is quite similar to yours, didn’t end well. My jealousy and general distrust sabotaged the relationship. It sounds stupid, but you just have to believe that your girlfriend isn’t out to ruin your relationship. You need to trust that she’s not a shitty person. It’s very difficult to do because you can get burned doing it, but healthy relationships are built upon that statement. Let’s also not forget that you’re 20 years old. You’re about to graduate college. Things are going to change. The chances of you ending up with this girl for the rest of your life are slim. If you want to make a deep run at this thing, by all means, go for it.
I wouldn’t worry about the snapchat thing, man. If she was cheating on you, I don’t think she’d be sending you snapchats of her out at the bar. You need to realize and understand that everyone needs space, and the fact that she has a bunch of friends who happen to have penises doesn’t mean they’re all trying to fuck her. Are there probably a few that are? Yeah, of course. There are always going to be a few. You kind of just have to let it slide because I’m sure you’ve been on the other end of that story. You know what I’m talking about. Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score blah blah blah. But that’s where trust in your girlfriend comes into play. And if it’s bothering you that much why don’t you talk to her about it? Tell her your concerns. She’ll be able to alleviate your anxiety over this better than I will. Enjoy the time leading up to your 21st birthday. It’s all downhill after that.
Huge fan of your columns and love to read a guys perspective on things. I’m writing this hoping I don’t sound like a total brat, but also that most people will understand. I just went out on a second date with a guy and it went really well. We have the same sense of humor and overall are very compatible. So I was really surprised when the bill came and he accepted my well-versed attempt to split the bill. I know this may sound archaic, but I was SO turned off. He made references all night to seeing me again and plans for the next date, so I don’t think it’s that he wasn’t into it. Is chivalry really dead or am I just not with the times?
Cheapness is incredibly unattractive. I’m turned off as well. Any guy worth his salt is going to pay when the check comes. Opening the door for your date, paying the check, refraining from ex-girlfriend bashing—these are all things that a self-respecting male post-grad should be doing. I actually think chivalry is making a bit of a comeback. Not to brag, but I went to Cotillion (basically manners school) for two years in high school and I think the number one thing I took away from it is that people just want to be treated with a little decency. Which means when you’re on a date the guy sitting across from you isn’t talking down to the waiter, he’s not chewing with his mouth open, and he sure as hell knows the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork.
I think most guys are way more aware than you think they are of what is and isn’t appropriate on a first or second date. So while I think the move to allow you to pay for half the bill was a little tacky and cheap, I say give him another chance. I know you were just trying to make a nice gesture by offering to go dutch, but see what happens on the next date if you just don’t even reach for your purse. If he still insists on you paying for half, maybe end it. Frivolousness can be good, nay, necessary, in the correct situation. But you don’t want to be dating a guy who refuses to foot the bill for a night out..
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Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Maybe it’s because I’m out of the dating game, but why even offer to split the bill if you’re going to be upset when he takes you up on it?
This. As a general rule, don’t say stuff you don’t mean. Guys take things at face value, we should not have to decode your words and read your minds. Say what you mean and mean what you say and relationships will go infinitely more smooth.
^second.
I understand your point, but I disagree. I feel that on a first dinner date, the girl is showing almost a common courtesy by offering, but the guy should be paying. The splits don’t come until a bit down the line. I would feel emasculated by splitting a check with a girl I have only been on a couple of dates with.
I usually bring up the topic of equal pay for women in the workplace when I’m on a date. I give off the male feminist vibe so she dives right in and righteously agrees with me and falls in love with me immediately. Then when the bill comes I keenly look her in the eyes (eye contact is very important, women love that shit) and then I slide my eyes toward the check and signal with my forehead nod that she can pay since she wants to be treated equally in society. Then she gets pissed and leaves then grows out her armpit hair and contemplates becoming a lesbian to try and hide her hypocrisy.
Every time
Technically, you should only ask her to pay 70% of what you pay for the bill since women only make 70 cents for every dollar that men make. I think I read that in an article here a few weeks ago, it seemed like a very solid study with no possible weaknesses and all things considered.
True but I’m going all in and empowering women to reach their full potential, Bill.
Sounds like something I should try. I’ll circle back once I make some headway.
Oh, so now it’s common courtesy to make an offer when you have absolutely zero intention of following through on it? So when I say, “Yea I had fun we should do this again soon” I don’t actually have to mean it and she shouldn’t be upset when I never text her again, right?
Hmmm yeah I didn’t really think of it that way especially down the line with expectations. No wonder none of my relationships have worked out
I disagree. How can it be “courtesy” when a girl offers to do something but really have no intention of doing it? How does that translate into her personality for other things if we get into a relationship down the line? I have no problem paying on the first (or second) date, and the last few first dates I went on, I paid and instead of playing this game, the girl simply said “thank you.” The straightforwardness was much appreciated.
May be off on this one but who splits on a date? Friends split, dates are picked up by one person or the other.
For a first date whoever asked the other out should be paying for the bill. Next couple dates, sure the guy can pick it up while it stays casual. But if you’re going out on a regular basis, each of you should be paying. It’s 2016 after all.
Agreed. It’s a nice gesture for the guy to pay when you first start seeing him, but if you’ve been going out awhile, it’s time to start carrying your own weight. It’s not 1920 anymore.
Women bitch about equality and then when you try to make things equal they say “chivalry is dead.”
Tell you what ladies, instead of paying half the bill you only have to offer to pay 45% since you only make 90 cents on the dollar.
“I’ll tell you why we make more an hour. Because if for whatever reason we’re on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some fucked up reason you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay.” -Bill Burr
There are no feminists in a house fire.
Graduating college before you can even legally drink? Good luck, bro.
It’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for him.
I mean, sure, he probably saved a lot on tuition. But at what terrible cost?
I couldn’t imagine entering the corporate world at age 20. He’s going to have to turn down invites to the company happy hour because he legally cannot attend.
“Sorry guys can’t come out for drinks…How ’bout an R-rated movie instead?”
Probably coming off like an asshole here but I think the girl kind of screwed herself…if you didn’t want to pay don’t offer, and if you’re only turn off is that he didn’t give you a free meal sorry but you’re the asshole.
Guy paid for the first date, I picked up the drinks tab the second date. Splitting is awkward, taking turns is easy.
My guy friends have always told me that it comes off as rude if the girl doesn’t offer to pay her half, but that the guy should never actually accept it.
That’s pretty much how I view it, although I honestly don’t really notice if the girl offers because I’ll just shrug it off anyway. About the point where we’re having the “what are we” conversation is the point where she starts paying for some things.
i figured that was how every guy operated. You never actually let the girl split the first date tab, I need to hear the offer to know you’re not some freeloader.
My boyfriend and I almost always split the bill. We’re both broke and it just makes sense.
If she’s at the bar with guys who can drink and buy her drinks, but would rather be sending you Snapchats, she’s probably not fooling around.
My girlfriend dated some dudes in the past who refused to pay for anything (not even a $1 ticket for a high school game), and felt uncomfortable about me footing the whole bill. Eventually we compromised and she covered the tip. Even though she since graduated and outearns me, that’s still the system we use. Just a thought
My ex and I did any bill over $25 I covered, anything under $25 she covered.
I don’t think she’s in the wrong here. She offered to pay and when he took her up on it, she was disappointed. There was nothing disingenuous about that. If she had offered and then refused, then she would have a case. She was being courteous, which is acceptable. She was hoping for a man who would recognize her courtesy, but decline and pay. Not expecting one. I mean, she did split the bill.
These are my thoughts exactly. I always offer to pay for myself on a first date because I don’t want the guy to think I just want a free meal if it’s going nowhere, and I think it’s the courteous thing to do. However, what their response is to my offer is what my impression of them is going to be. I once went out with a guy who told me ahead of time that he splits the check on the first date and I still went. But my impression of him was pretty accurate. I am a feminist but that doesn’t mean that the guys I want to date shouldn’t have some “traditional” qualities when it comes to dating, and the gentlemanly things that Johnny listed are still desirable when you’re on the first few dates. If they don’t want me to help pay the first few dates, I will usually try to at least to buy drinks or pay for an activity at some point when we go out so they know that I appreciate their generosity and am willing to contribute.