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After months of missing out on numerous Skype “dates” and vowing to “catch up soon” by way of Facebook and Instagram comments, Thanksgiving proved to be the perfect opportunity for two girls to get together and discuss their lives over coffee. Below is a transcript of the occasion, which took place at their hometown Starbucks after a night of cheese and wine with their respective families.
Girl 1: Oh. My. God. Look at you!
Girl 2: Hoooooooowww arrrrrrre youuuuuuuuu?
Girl 1: It’s been forever!
Girl 2: So overdue it’s not even funny.
Girl 1: I, like, love your sweater so much that I could kill you, dispose of your body, and wear it out tonight and I, like, wouldn’t even feel bad.
Girl 2: This? It’s like, so old.
Girl 1: Let’s get in line — mama needs some coffee after last night.
Girl 2: Tell me about it. Bev and I got a litttttttle wild last night at Club Wilde.
Note that “Club Wilde” is not a club at all, but a fun and playful way to describe the Wilde household where Girl 2 has returned to for the holiday. Meanwhile, Bev is not a friend but her mother, Beverly Wilde.
Girl 1 (to the barista): Quad half-caff iced venti non-fat light latte, please.
Girl 2: Um, are you even being serious right now? That’s word for word my order. Can you make that two?
Girl 2 begins to pull out her credit card to pay.
Girl 1: No no, allow me. This one’s on Deb.
“Deb” is not the name of Girl 1 but the name of her mother, Deborah, who still pays for most of Girl 1’s superfluous purchases despite her being gainfully employed.
Girl 1: Let’s go sit on the couches over here.
Girl 2: Perf.
They sit.
Girl 1: So, like, tell me everything.
Girl 2: My life is so boring compared to yours.
Girl 1: Weren’t you just in Capri?
Girl 2: Yeah, we had some, like, stupid family trip there to celebrate my sister graduating from law school or something.
Girl 1: Ugh, that’s so annoying.
Girl 2: I know, it’s whatever. It’s just, like, helllooooo. You just paid for her to go to law school and now you’re shipping her off to Italy and I can’t even get a new car? I’m driving a 2011 that’s about to fall apart every time I hit a speed bump.
Girl 1: Gross.
Girl 2: I know, let’s just change the subject before I get mad.
Girl 1: Okay, so tell me about the boy!
Girl 2: He’s good. He’s still working for the same company and everything’s going great.
Girl 1: You guys look so happy together on Instagram. Is he going to pop the question anytime soon orrrr….?
Girl 2: Hell if I know. I haven’t dropped a shortage of hints, that’s for sure.
Girl 1: He better do it before someone else snatches you up.
Girl 2: Oh, he will, trust me. TBH, I don’t even mind because he should be getting a raise and Christmas bonus soon which means more karats for moi.
Girl 1: Ugh. Luckyyyyyyyyy.
Girl 2: What about you? Anyone in your life?
Girl 1: I meannnn, you could say that…
Girl 2: WHAT! YASSS. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Girl 1: One sec, where are our drinks?
Girl 2: Bahaha, oops, they’ve been sitting up there for like five minutes.
Girl 1: El. Oh. El. Maybe I had more wine last night than I thought.
Girl 2 returns to the couch with two quad half-caff iced venti non-fat light lattes in hand.
Girl 2: Be careful, they’re hot. And the guy at the counter was a total creeper.
Girl 1: Ew, I saw that. It’s like, you work for Starbucks. I’m not hooking up with you.
Girl 2: I know, right? Ew ew ew. But okay, back to you. Tell me about this guy in your life.
Girl 1: I mean, IDK. We’re just talking and it’s super chill.
Girl 2: Do you think he could be… the one?
Girl 1 blushes and raises her eyebrows which can be interpreted as “maybe.” They each paw at each other and make squeaking noises.
Girl 2: You have to keep me posted on all the deets.
Girl 1: Well duh. I’m just going to keep things casual for now, see where they go.
Girl 2: Totes. There’s just like so much presh with everyone getting engaged lately.
Girl 1: I know, it’s like, what’s the rush? I feel like we just graduated.
Girl 2: Right? Speaking of… did you see Taylor’s ring?
Girl 1: Gahhh, can you say “tacky”?
Girl 2: It’s like he bought it from a pawn shop. I swear, if I ever got anything like that, I’d probs laugh in his face and walk out of the restaurant.
Girl 1: I’d rather be single forever than wear that on my hand.
Girl 2: At least she’s going to look good for her wedding. It looks like she’s barely eaten since the engagement. So. Skinny.
Girl 1: I’m beyond jealous. I’m like a blimp right now. All I’ve done since getting home is eat cheese and sit on the couch.
Girl 2: Same. I’m going to sign up for so many classes between now and New Year’s Eve.
Girl 1: Oh yeah! You’re going to Miami, right?
Girl 2: Yeah, and if I don’t start slimming down, people are going to think I’m a beached whale that washed up overnight.
Girl 1: I probs won’t eat between now and Christmas. I think I had, like, ten more plates than anyone else at Thanksgiving. Oooooops.
Girl 1 had one plate of food at Thanksgiving.
Girl 2: (Laughs) Me too. We’re such fatties.
Girl 1 and Girl 2 weigh a combined 225 pounds.
Girl 1: This has been phenom, but I have to go to an appointment and I’m already running late.
Girl 1 has an hour until her manicure, which is a ten-minute drive away from Starbucks.
Girl 2: Ugh, me too. My mom is going to kill me if I don’t help her set up for a party she’s having tonight.
Girl 1: I’m not kidding. It was so great seeing you.
Girl 2: I knoooooow. Promise we’ll do this more often?
Girl 1: Um… duh. I miss us.
Girl 2: Me too. Let me know when you’re home over Christmas and we’ll get together again!
Girl 1: Obvi.
Girl 2: Alright. Already miss your face.
Girl 1: Love you, mean it.
The girls walk to their cars and drive off only to not speak to each other again until Thanksgiving 2016 when they have the exact same interaction. .
Image via Tea Time Wanderlust / Blogspot
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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This will hold me over nicely til Wednesday’s TGDAG when there is post-Friendsgiving fallout.
You really love writing basic white girl dialogue, don’t you Will?
Stephen King of Basic Bitches
Plot twist: they both fuck Todd in an epic threesome. More details on this will be released Wednesday.
Club Wilde exists only because Bev needs to be drunk in order to handle being around her daughter.
This can’t possibly be how real people communicate.
Why should they “be careful, because it’s hot” when they are drinking a quad half-caff ICED venti non-fat light latte
This one is on me, guys. If that’s the worst mistake I make the Monday after a long weekend, then we’re doin’ juuuuuuust fine.
That’s why I pay the big bucks for you Peter. You ask the hard-hitting questions. We’re on our way to a CPA.
i already hate girl 1 and girl 2 just by this short interaction
Girl 1 is seeing Todd
Is Girl 1 Caroline or Alex?
No way it’s Alex, girl bails on everything.
Alex also runs on treadmills arguing with the guy the rest have mysteriously never met.
I know your goal was to speak in extreme “basic” jargon but girls actual talk like this and I don’t understand it. Why would girls go out of their way to become the literal definition of pretentious 100% of the time. Doesn’t it sound more sincere when you say something like “So how have you been lately? Is everything going well?” in and honest tone as opposed to “howww arreeee youuuu! I miss your faceeeee!!!!” followed by an endless flood of compliments, one after another. I feel like at some point the compliments and hyperbole are so overblown, forced, and fake, that it seems like the entire goal of getting coffee is not even about “catching up”, but to reinforce this sweet/witty perception you want everyone to have of you.
Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays!
That’s why we call them superficial.