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When I was in 7th grade, I asked a girl out by playing Hangman on a bus ride home from a class trip to Chicago. The empty letters spelled out “Will you go out with me?”, and I still think, to this day, that it’s the most baller thing I’ve ever done concerning the opposite sex. Of course, she said yes before dumping me a month later on MSN Messenger to date the star basketball player, but you win some and you lose some. The fact of the matter is, that was my entrance into the new age of dating.
Now, instead of hopping on Hinge to find someone, you can end the relationship the same way it started — online. Through The Breakup Shop, you can now find a hired gun to break the bad news to your significant other. Per their site:
Our full suite of breakup options to help you get out of your tricky situation. Choose the option that works for you and let our breakup experts get to work.
Recently single? You are now.
They have a shit ton of options, too. For the low price of $10, they’ll send a simple breakup text (or email, for the same price). Sorry, Stephanie.
For the low, low price of $29, someone will actually call to break the news verbally which just seems unnecessary considering the lack of respect already required by using this service in the first place. They’ll even go as far as to write a letter for $20 (or a customized letter for $30) to them.
They even offer breakup gifts for various situations that may arise — The Notebook on Blu-Ray, a set of wine glasses, Netflix gift cards, cookies, etc. I don’t really see any of these healing the wounds of someone that was just broken up with by a remote online service, but shooters shoot so they’re worth a shot.
All I know is that any of my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have put up with this. They would have hunted me down like I was an Eastern European dude in Taken. They would cryptically breath into my voicemail while saying, “I have a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.” And those skills would include utilizing all of my passwords to ruin my life, gossip about how bad I was in bed (unfounded rumors, by the way), and about how much I like being the little spoon (true, by the way).
Oh, and if you don’t have anyone to breakup with through their site, you can also apply to become a “Heartbreaker” and ruin some lives. Me? I just applied, so stay tuned. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Need this right now.
Shit dude, I’ll make the call for $5. Or like a gift card to Chili’s. I’m not picky.
I can’t do cash, how about a draft pick? Early 2nd round?
Throw in a full sized Snickers bar and you got yourself an ex-girlfriend.
You got yourself a goddamn deal. Let her off easy, I’m thinking, “you’ve become really annoying and he doesn’t like you anymore.” Feel free to take some artistic freedom with it.
I think I just discovered my dream job.
I wonder which option Todd would go with.
All I could think reading this is, “Ya no, she’s definitely going to hunt me down it’ll end way worse than if I just grew a pair.”
Also team little spoon. It’s the best.
Losing faith in decency
At least there are some good folks still left in this world whose last straw on the state of human decency is a breakup website.