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I’ve always taken pride in being able to resist the urge to be trendy. For example, I’m not on Instagram. Also, every intellectual I know chastises me for having never touched Game of Thrones, but I keep my pride all the while.
Over the past few months, I caved and decided to give Greek yogurt a try. You know, that thing that nobody had ever heard of five years ago but is now all the craze in dieting and good looks? Sure, it sounds practical. It’s high in protein, and no cows died in the making of it, so I guess that’s pretty cool, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Besides, given that gelato (aka “Italian ice cream”) is supposed to be the creme de la creme of deserts, perhaps it makes sense to stack it up against its fellow Mediterranean dairy counterparts in terms of tastiness too.
In a nutshell, Greek yogurt is everything that is wrong with America. You’d have to be a clown to try and tell me that you’d prefer having six ounces of this glorified cottage cheese substance over any other snack that a normal person would eat. In a competition of “Greek Yogurt vs. Normal Yogurt,” let’s breakdown why Greek yogurt sucks, and why you too should move on past this foolish trend.
Taste
I’ll acknowledge the reality at hand: in a lot of ways, I am a spoiled piece of shit who grew up in the early 2000s on Gogurt, Danimals, and pre-frozen yogurt craze Sprinklins. So naturally, in my mind, not only should yogurt be the simpler, refrigerated substitute for Dreyer’s ice cream, it should be in the same neighborhood of tastebud pleasure.
Any human who has ever put vanilla Greek yogurt in their mouth without wanting to immediately vomit it back out is a goddamn poser. I recently made the biggest mistake of my life in giving this whole thing one last shot by buying an entire vanilla tub of Oikos yogurt, convincing myself that if I added some granola, it would be quite the treat.
The thing about Greek yogurt is that not only does it taste more like sour cream than actual yogurt, it has an exceptional ability to not blend with its topping. Like oil with water, they’re just not compatible, and it causes thousands of innocent people to waste granola every day.
Health benefits
Alright, alright, we all heard you the first time: Greek yogurt has more protein than regular yogurt. According to a 2011 US News article, a typical serving of Greek yogurt contains 17 to 20 grams of protein, compared to the nine grams of protein that a same-sized serving of normal yogurt would provide.
If you’re willing shove this garbage down your throat for the sake of 10 grams of protein, be my guest. In the meantime, I’ll just drink a glass of milk (eight grams per cup) or maybe just treat myself to another cup of yogurt that doesn’t make me hate myself. Don’t you worry, if 20 grams of protein is the new requirement for healthy snacks, you bet your ass I’ll reach it.
Not to mention this little tidbit from the same article: “Be wary of Greek yogurt’s fat content. In just 7 ounces, Fage’s full-fat Greek yogurt packs 16 grams of saturated fat—or 80 percent of your total daily allowance if you’re on a 2,000-calorie diet.”
Cost
As a considerably frugal twenty-something, I would at least respect all the Greek yogurt fan boys out there who buy into this stuff if it meant that they were playing to their tight budget as well.
Except for the fact that that’s not the case at all. According to my research, a 32-ounce tub of Oikos yogurt is $4.88 (16 cents/ounce), while a normal yogurt tub of the same size is only $2.38 (7.5 cents/ounce).
Thank you for extending me the offer to pay over twice as much for your yogurt that lacks actual health benefits and tastes like it came from an 80-year-old woman’s breast milk, but I think I’ll pass for now. I’m sorry for your economic hard times, Greece, but this trick doesn’t make me want to help you out.
Final score:
Normal yogurt, etc: 3
Greek yogurt: 0
Hate away, haters..
Respond
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An enthusiastic kid at heart, I'm passionate about properly taking care of my hairline, having an inappropriate amount of DVR series recordings, and pretending to be a beer snob. Still on my quest to find my irresistible lifeguard dream girl who can rock the one-piece bathing suit. Hit me up on MySpace.
Have you ever had it melted? For some reason Mr. Hat loves the creamy substance of melted yogurt. He’s so strange sometimes.
I don’t like things overly sweet – even if I did, regular yogurt has an insane amount of sugar, which is actually worse for you in terms of health than some fat content. Add some granola and blueberries/strawberries/raspberries/all of the above and that homemade parfait is fucking awesome. Also – the non-far Greek yogurt is just fine.
Lastly, all the “intellectuals” hit you up about Game of Thrones?? Bro, GoT is fucking awesome, regardless of how stupid you are. You are just exponentially stupider if you don’t watch it (assuming you have the ability/subscription).
I want to watch it but I want to read the books first. Problem is, the books will take me at least 25 years to read.
Just watch.
I started out watching and then picked up the books after the season before last. It kinda fucked me up reading while simultaneously watching the last season as I had made it to the last book and that was where the plot lines diverged quite a bit.
I made it through all the books in a few months, except the last one. That one I have been on for like 3 months straight. Granted, I haven’t had the time to plow through recently, but holy shit it is a slow read. It is by no means bad, its actually been my favorite one – but slow.
That will be convenient, because book 7 will probably come out in 30.
I was about to add that to my reply as a post-script.
#stophipster.
Lol @ your cost analysis. It’s twice as much but it’s twice as filling. If you’re saying you’d eat twice as much to get the same health benefit, then you’d be paying the same amount.
Personal preference, but I tend not have an appetite in the morning, so I can eat a bowl of this with some granola and yogurt and be on my way in 15 min. Although I agree I couldn’t stomach it without the toppings. Healthy, good tasting, and non-dairy… it’s not that hard of a concept.
I meant granola and fruit. I’m an idiot… let the downvotes and hate commence. Hate my life.
Relax man. Nobody commenting on PGP gives cares enough to down vote you for a typo. Unless you’re JayTas.
Of all the foods you could hate on you choose Greek Yogurt?
“Greek” yogurt is candy compared to the real Greek yogurt I ate growing up. Half cow milk, half goat milk, 100% nauseating.
And vanilla? C’mon, man. Buy unflavored Fage and load that bastard up with honey.
White Chicks is the worst thing ever, therefore worse than Greek yogurt, and I hate you for reminding me of it.
I hardly ever eat greek yogurt on its own. It goes great in smoothies!
That greek is good is a politicized talking point. And the latest installment of a decades long attack. As a child of the 1980’s we were brought up on stuff like Whitney’s. A very rich yogurt made with egg yolks. That stuff rocked. It was on the shelves of all upscale grocery stores. Thick, velvety rich with tons of fruit on the bottom. You want protein? The Greek stuff did not hold a candle to that stuff. Not to mention vitamins and calcium. But OMG! OMG! It had 250-300 calories per 8 ounce serving. And the health freaks just could not stand that. People today have no context to realize just how far things have fallen under this war on taste. Do not bother calling Whitney’s. They stopped making it due to the war on all things tasty.
I’m with you 100%, greek yogurt sucks. Its like a pint of paste. Its not even Greek! They don’t serve this shit in Greece! I prefer bavarian style yogurts, which is more like a creamy pudding. I’m with you, health benefits of greek yogurt are bullcrap. Its a fad and I cannot wait for it to die. You can add Kale to the list of bullcrap fad food, that stuff tastes like ass with hair on it.