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One of the perks of living in a “luxury” apartment complex is hanging by the pool. It’s the one of the most enjoyable activities we can participate in now that our lives are so boring after college. Every Saturday morning around ten thirty, the reclining lounge chairs start to fill with the early birds sipping away their homemade concoctions, and by the early afternoon, we’ve got a full on rager. Not only is alcohol combined with bikinis never a bad idea, but the natural laws of insecurity and body image somewhat guarantee that most attendees are in shape, attractive, and receptive to being looked at without their shirts on. Pool parties are awesome.
But how should a person behave in this quasi-spring break, have-to-be-at-work-Monday type of environment while still having as much fun as possible? It’s very easy to lose sight of the fact that these people are still your neighbors, and you might have to see them every weekend for the rest of the summer, even if you do something ridiculously stupid in mid-July?
1. No glass. This is day one stuff. Pretty much the only thing they wrote tickets for at Padre was having glass on the beach.
2. If you bring a floatable beer pong table, you are expected to keep a list. No one liked the kid at recess who wouldn’t share his football, and no one today appreciates the group that takes up half the pool space but won’t let anyone else hop on the table.
3. Swimsuits only. No longer does wearing a set of gym shorts or Abercrombie cargo shorts over your boxers qualify as acceptable swimwear. Grow the fuck up.
4. Do not spill your drink in the pool. What is wrong with you?
5. No (overt) staring. Girls know exactly how much of their body is on display, and they also know guys like me furtively sneak glances south of the collar bone every chance we get. Just don’t get caught; that’s what sunglasses are for.
6. Chill on the splashing. This isn’t The Sandlot and you won’t make any new friends slopping chlorine all over some babe’s towel.
7. Bringing down a portable speaker is acceptable, but your music better be on point. Keep it to major summer-themed hits and EDM remixes of Taylor Swift songs. Or like, whatever the kids are listening to now day.
8. If you feel the need to wear a loose fitting shirt over your bathing suit, you probably should be at the gym instead.
9. Back hair needs to be gone. This isn’t Russia.
10. You won’t hook up with anyone, so chill on the creepy invites back to your apartment.
11. If your group of friends is athletic/coordinated enough to toss a nerf football around, absolutely go for it. Nothing like diving catches in front of hotties, right?
12. Don’t hog all the lounge chairs please.
13. Sunscreen. You should probably have an acceptable base by now, but there is no worse hell on Monday than a lightly starched shirt chafing against your sunburned shoulders.
14. Take a nap before you go out Saturday night. If you don’t, passing out on the cab ride home is a very real possibility.
15. Don’t forget how stupid your hair looks after you dive in all the way underwater. Just a reminder, so have your hair-flip game locked down.
16. Shower before you hop in, this isn’t a lake.
17. If a girl comes up to your group, you guys either have something she wants (alcohol, beer pong, etc), or she might actually be into you. There is no possible way of making that distinction drunk and with sunglasses on, so good luck.
18. Dad bods are okay, but you should be in decent shape by now if you expect to get anywhere with a cutie who is keeping it tight.
19. Lay off the phone. You look silly anyways when you raise your sunglasses off your head, squint at your device, only to realize you haven’t received any messages.
20. Stay out of a girl’s sun if she’s tanning. That shit will get you hurt. .
Image via Shutterstock
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CorporateClimber
California guy coming to you live from the Mile High City. I enjoy weekend day drinking, handing out my business cards, and ordering pizza while hungover. I do not enjoy "working through lunch", folding laundry, or small domesticated animals that evolution should have stamped out long ago. Chipotle will be catered at my wedding. Feel free to call me out on Twitter. Division II grad.
@CorpClimberPGP
Cranking out about 15 pushups before heading out usually makes up for not going to the gym the past 4 months
EDM by the pool is definitely NOT living the #marglife. Jimmy Buffett all the way.
I disagree with number 11. At our pool, these douchey 30 year old’s with 12 pack abs do the whole “dive-catch” thing every Saturday to impress girls and the only thing it really does is obnoxiously splash water everywhere.
I’m guessing they’re also wearing mesh hats backwards with a gold chain necklace and a tattoo across their shoulders that says their last name or something. Oh, and white Oakley board shorts to match their white Gascan sunglasses.
“You know which way the weight room is?”
#21. Grill out and offer some food to anyone you know or want to know
Works wonders.
Jacking off in the pool. PGPM
From experience, people definitely do hookup at these
“Don’t forget to bring a towel!”
Inflatable beer pong tables are basically surfboards in kids’ eyes. I’m not about that liability.
Solid gold soul playlist also works well.