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It’s here, y’all. The arguable kick off to summer (I personally say the first day it hits above 75 degrees and you hear all of Seattle say “It’s SO hot” but that’s just me): Memorial Day Weekend. Everyone is going to be busting out the cut-offs and the bro-tanks ready to throw back some cheap beer in a can and celebrate the fact that we have 72 hours to fuck up the life we have worked so hard for all winter.
If you’re like me, you’re still perusing the field for a summer fling and the upcoming three days are prime time to find yourself someone to keep you busy through August. You have barbecues, boating, and block parties — not to mention zero-point-zero work to worry about on Monday.
So, you find yourself sipping on a Rainier around 5:45 on Saturday, happy and full from home-grilled brats and that dope guac that your buddy’s fiancee made, and you find yourself scoping the crowd for someone to go “watch the sunset” with. How to pick one? How do you know which girl to go for?
Well, I’m going to tell you.
It’s all in the clothes. You can tell everything you need to know about a girl by what she has chosen to wear to whatever event you are both attending. I’ll give you an example. If you run into me on a Friday night out-and-about and I’m wearing my glasses, it means only one of two things: I either give no fucks about impressing anyone OR I am at a grungy, hipster bar, and it only ups my hipster cred.
So here you go; I’m just here to help. Good luck, and Godspeed this weekend, boys.
High-Waisted Shorts and a Crop Top.
She’s trying to put off turning 25 and is responsible for whatever Smirnoff Ice is sitting in the cooler untouched by anyone but her and her friend that she’s texting during the party. She relates to Girls on a deep, personal level and definitely has a fashion blog she recently abandoned. Bonus crazy “will-absolutely-yell-at-you-for-not-remembering-that-week-when-she’s-Paleo” points if she has a phone case shaped like a cat.
Dark Jeans, White Tank, White Converse.
American as apple pie, y’all. She’s the one who commented on the Facebook invite “Memorial Day is when you can start wearing white again.” Probably not looking for a summer fling, certainly looking for a boyfriend. However, she’s going to be a great wedding date all summer long. You can probably use her dad’s hotel points to stay at the Hilton for free too, so that’s neat.
Excessively Patterned Dress.
Yes, I am throwing slight shade at Lilly Pulitzer.
Did someone’s mom accidentally come to the rager? She’s going to talk a lot about how her maltipoo goes everywhere with her due to her anxiety, and she’ll repeat the story about how some bitch at United Airlines was “ALL OVER HER” the one time she forgot her papers to fly with the dog at least four times. Don’t spill any beer on her. Just don’t do it.
Loose, Wide Legged Pants.
She’s here to eat and she really doesn’t care what you think about that.
Local Sports Team Shirt and Cut-Offs.
She’s one of two girls:
1. Actually digs the Giants (or whatever) and she’s just cool AF.
2. Is trying to get a guy to talk to her and is using the sportswear as an icebreaker.
You’ve got a 50/50 shot.
JCrew Dress, White Keds, Skinny Waist Defining Belt.
The really complicated side dishes perfectly displayed on dishes other than tupperware? Yeah she brought those. She’s got a Pinterest board full of recipes that she’s DYING to try out over the next few months. She’s still feeling a little emotional about the fact that Mad Men is over, and I wouldn’t recommend talking shit about Betty Draper to her.
Lululemon. Lululemon everything.
She has a yoga mat in the backseat of her car and she isn’t afraid to use it. She’s either going to talk about how she gave up alcohol for the month and it’s been aahhhhhhmazing or she’s throwing back red wine like it’s her damn job. There is a very well-loved copy of Gone Girl on her nightstand (she would never do it but she could see how someone would), and she’s definitely going to try to get you to go to some early-ass workouts with her.
Fringe, Flash Tattoos, and Bare Feet.
You should just pull her aside and remind her that she’s at a Memorial Day party, not Coachella. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
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I think what you’ve achieved with this column is this: acknowledging that no matter what people in Seattle wear they’re usually the worst. Agreed.
Gone Girl was the most terrifying movie I have ever watched. Just another reason to never get married. Lord have mercy.
Here’s to wishing “Loose, Wide Legged, Pants Girl” makes an appearance.
Someone should remind all of these people what memorial day stands for.
I’m a vet, and this post completely lacks cultural and self-awareness. Memorial day is not just some excuse for a bunch of entitled, early-twenty-something white kids to host some party to try and get laid.
I almost said, “you disrespectful little shits.”
I really am getting older. 🙁
Ya but how do I get her to respond to my hinge attempts doe?
If I’m in a dry spell then I’ll spit game at every girl there.
What kind of giants jersey are we talking about here? An OB Jr. jersey is probably the sign of a bandwaggoner, whereas a seasoned Manning jersey definitely means she’s cool as fuck.
Or you get to work all weekend. Thank god for the 24/7/365 manufacturing model.