What Your Attire Says About Your Wedding

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When I receive a wedding invite, the questions that run through my head, in order, are as follows: Where is this shindig? Is it going to ruin a long holiday weekend for me? Is there an open bar? Then finally, what’s the attire? And while I don’t necessarily have too many options to mix into my wedding attire roster, you can learn a lot about an event purely based on what you (or more specifically, the groom) is required to wear.

Few things set the tone of an event like the required attire. If you see “Black Tie Only” on an invite, you know you’re about to ball the fuck out. Business casual? Wake me up when it’s over. Casual? Then I’ll be pushing the limits of how many buttons I can undo on my shirt because I’ll be livin’.

Weddings, specifically, are a special case. The attire lines are clearly drawn in the sand and you know exactly what to expect when you RSVP.

Beach Linens

The groom’s day-to-day probably resembles that of the characters in Bloodline, minus the whole murder thing. We’re talking Florida Keys, Cabo Wabo Tequila, and flip-flops. If I looked at his book shelf, it would probably have more Jimmy Buffett novels on it than classics; more Hemingway than Fitzgerald. He has different Spotify playlists for “Island,” “Reggae,” and “Chill” music because he’s positive that those are all definitively different genres.

There’s going to be a Margaritaville mixer that someone’s uncle will eventually break when he tries to filter a beer through it, but that’s a blessing in disguise because that margarita mix was going to make everyone sick anyway.

Groom’s threads for the big day? Tommy Bahama Wedding Collection because he, too, has a commitment to casual style. No shoes, no socks, no problem because this is a chill situation that requires an island mentality. Toes in the water, ass in the sand, man. No one’s judging.

Overheard at the ceremony? “Did you order your grouper broiled or jerked?” and “Mahalo, man. It’s been a while, great to catch up,” because the guest list includes a guy that gives free didgeridoo lessons.

Traditional Suit

The groom is everyone’s favorite: the everyday man who scheduled his wedding on the perfect date that wouldn’t run into any major sporting events that his alma mater could have possibly participated in. His fiancé knew he wasn’t going to address any save the dates or choose any of the reception decorations, so she took care of that herself.

The wedding DJ has the best collection of today’s hits to mix in with other wedding classics like “Oh, What A Night (1969)” and “Shout.” Meanwhile, the lights he has suspended from his setup – the perfect shades of purple and green.

The bridesmaids? Hot. The bar? Wide open. The dancefloor? Packed. The best man? Wasted. Are shirts coming off at some point? Does a bear shit in the woods?

And no one would have it any other way.

Blazer and Khakis

The bride Googled “New England Wedding” on her phone within five minutes of getting proposed to and is imagining the groom looking like a Kennedy at the ceremony. Sail boats majestically floating in the background of the ceremony as the sun sets? Yeah, that’s happening.

The groom, though. He’s psyched because he’s been planning on wearing some pretty out-of-the-box socks for the ceremony and has asked the groomsmen to do the same. The photos after the ceremony? Yeah, there’ll be one where the guys all lifting their pant legs up for the world to see those puppies.

There are going to be so many gin & tonics had out of highballs at this reception that it’s almost scary. Meanwhile, the reception itself is going to be modeled to look more like the post-wedding vacation in Wedding Crashers than the Wedding Crashers wedding itself, because that Maryland vibe is the key to success at this function.

Black Tie

It’s unclear who had more of say in this wedding, the bride-to-be or the couple’s moms. After all, these moms have plenty of time on their hands since they only work one 4-hour shift per month at Nordstrom to get a discount. They’ve got everything down pat from the cream accents around every table to the tableware to the all white flower arrangements that ended up costing more than the entire rest of wedding.

All the girls at the wedding? Dressed to the nines, and rightfully so. It’s black fucking tie. All the guys will be beasting because everyone knows that tuxedos give you the confidence of a cocaine-fueled lion. But they’ll all be freaking out during the intensely long and overly-formal dinner that’s killing their buzz. After all, their blossoming financial careers aren’t going to talk about themselves so these speeches need to wrap it up.

Oh, and those moms we discussed? They’re going to be disgusted by some of the behavior of the attendees after they clear the open bar of the top-shelf scotch selection. But that just comes with the territory. Black tie, black out: the holiest of matrimonies..

Image via Shutterstock

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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