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Alright, the pastor at my church sucks ass. White church in general sucks ass. How come I’ve never had the black Brett Favre of preachers toss an invisible Hail Mary pass my way? Why hasn’t anyone lobbed a Holy Ghost hand grenade in my general direction during Sunday service? I want the spirit of God to knock me on my motherfucking ass. I want to be decimated by a holy explosion that sends me flying from my pew. I demand an explanation.
At best, a few folks in the front row of my church will get turnt on the Spirit and raise their hands to the sky while the choir sings, but the turn up has never gotten anywhere near as real as the turn up gets in this video. I don’t know if I just joined the wrong church, or I’m taking the wrong drugs, or my pastor is just a fraud, but if I’m not leveled by a sonic boom of spirituality this coming Sunday, I will not be tithing. .
[via Deadspin]
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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“First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. Amen.”
Thank you for this.
“Yes, of course! The holy hand grenade of Antioch! This is one of the sacred relics brother Maynard carries with him!”
This is what I do in conference calls when people ask for my input. “You want it?!?! TAKE IT!”