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Let’s face it – your job title probably ends in some variation of the word “bitch,” and that’s perfectly fine. You’re young(ish), and you have plenty of time left to contribute something meaningful to the professional world. Even though there’s probably more than one species of primate that could perform your current job adequately, or better than you, you still have the potential to someday become a CEO or someone with legit clout. Someday you’ll command respect while you’re blasting Stogies at Augusta, or at least your hometown’s goat-pasture Muni.
You should be thankful, because not all jobs afford you this kind of skeptic optimism for the future. With some careers, even if you reach the pinnacle of success within them, you’ll still get shit on by everyone you know. It’s the kind of job where you say, “Hey, I’m literally the best ______ in the world,” and the only response you hear is “Yeah, but you’re still a fucking _____.” Below are some of these jobs.
1. Bartender/Waiter
This is the guy or girl who started bartending in high school/college, and it was awesome for a while. Let’s call him Chad. Chances are, Chad made quite a bit more money every summer than you did at Subway or CVS. His job was also way more fun, and far less humiliating than when your friends came to visit you at your shitty job. After college, he just sort of kept doing it until everyone accepted it. Occasionally, he would hook you up with a free drink. People helping people.
Now, he’s the head bartender at a swanky steakhouse chain and has become an insufferable douche bag. This guy needs a reality check, and you need to provide it. Next time you see him, ask him what’s new with the Server’s Union. When he offers to get the tab, decline and remind him that he’s always just one horny, over-served cougar away from a lawsuit and unemployment. As you walk away, remark that wearing a vest at work is only impressive when worn under a tailored suit and crushing deals, not thrown together with Dickies pants and a Costco button-up. Nice bowtie, dumb ass.
2. Car Salesman
Image via YouTube
The perception of the car industry has come a long way in the last couple decades, and it’s no longer the dreaded hassle it once was. I recently custom ordered a new truck (humble brag), and the process was so simple and transparent, my ass barely even hurt driving it home.
However, the perception of the car salesman has not evolved from the stereotype of the clammy, greedy, back-stabbing asshole with a combover. Maybe you’re really making people’s dreams come true by giving them the financing options to afford the car of their dreams, or maybe you’re just a huge piece of shit who rips off old ladies buying a new Buick Lacrosse. No one will ever know, and no one cares. It doesn’t matter if you’re Floyd Mayweather’s personal Bentley dealer; you’re still a skeevy car salesman. Hang that Associate’s Degree high, my friend.
3. Janitor
Image via YouTube
Unfortunately, this is a thankless job at any level. Let’s say you’re the head janitor for Bain, Google, or anywhere else. You’re probably pulling in $60k with a solid benefits package – not bad at all. My buddy’s dad owns a janitorial service, so he got hooked up with a cushy job, but he had to work at the bottom for a while. He likes to brag as if his accomplishments don’t boil down to a gross combination of nepotism and human waste. When a janitor calls in sick, he has to take over for the day. Sometimes when his hubris becomes annoying, I have to remind him of one simple reality: over the course of our lives, there is an absolutely zero chance that I will have to clean spray-cannon diarrhea off the wall where I work, even if it’s mine. Can you say the same?
4. Realtor
Slowly being made obsolete by Zillow and “For Sale by Owner” signs, the realtor is the exploitative dinosaur home buyers will be happy to see go extinct. You get a 6 percent commission? On what? If you weren’t alive I could just buy that house and save your bullshit 6 percent commission, thereby being able to afford an even nicer house. Don’t act like you’re a facilitator or any kind of symbiotic organism; you’re a parasite on the ass of society.
5. Telemarketer
Everyone hates you. I know it, and you know it. I don’t have a family, nor am I sitting down to dinner with them every time you call, but I will tell you that just to make you feel bad enough to reevaluate your existence.
6. Herbalife President and CEO
There’s no honor in a pyramid scheme, even if you’re at the top. Congratulations for making a career out of ‘roided out personal trainers hocking your shitty supplements to overweight divorcees, but you’re not exactly Steve Jobs or Big Tom Callahan. Just own it, you fraud.
7. Stylist
My dad’s old barber retired, so he calls the new guy, Patrick, his “barber.” This really pisses Patrick off for some reason. According to Patrick, he didn’t go to beauty school just to be called a barber when he graduated. Unfortunately for Patrick, 6 months in beauty school doesn’t put a “Dr.” in your title, and it takes people like my dad to make sure he remembers that. What better way to do that than consistent, real-talk humiliation?
8. Men’s Room Attendant
You are the bane of everyone’s existence. It’s bad enough I had to blow $150 on this overpriced steak dinner for my girlfriend’s younger brother’s high school graduation, but I have to bring an extra $2 to drop in your Tupperware tip jar? If you weren’t bogarting all the fucking soap, we wouldn’t have that awkward moment where I nervously look for soap/hand sanitizer so I can avoid interacting with you. Oh, and you stacked all the rolls of paper towels behind you, too? You’re a real piece of shit. This is a Wire-esque shakedown, and you’re using my affinity for cleanliness to extort me. I got a feeling your whole family’s going down. But for now, I have to get back to this $21 Caesar salad and $17 glass of J&B..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
9) Any job that requires you to operate a cash register.
Stop it.
Tech guy, if you’re gonna delete the spam I’m referencing, do me a favor and delete my comment too. I CAN’T TAKE THE DOWN-VOTES.
I respect my bartender way more than I respect my boss. Men’s room attendants are really just shakedown artists.
Maybe you should go work for your bartender.
I pay her and she makes the things I ask for, so really, she works for me.
Public Defenders are probably the least respected job I’ve ever seen. I work at a DA’s office and it is amazing how many times a Public Defender gets his client the best deal possible, and the client tells them they want a “real lawyer.” What people don’t realize is that DAs and PDs are all friends and the DA is much more likely to cut a PD some slack than a “real attorney” they don’t know.
10. Social Worker: literally no one is happy to see us.
Your line of work is actually so forgettable by the general public there was zero percent chance it would have been mentioned in this column.
You won’t forget about us when we show up at your door.
Do you have a warrant or court order? No? Then kindly fuck off.
Still forgettable.
Dead-on-balls accurate about car salesmen. That was my first job out of college, and everything you hear about them is true.
You clearly haven’t bought or sold a house because having a great realtor makes a world of difference. Besides, the SELLER pays for the commission so what do you care as 1) a buyer and even 2) a seller that didn’t make an idiotic purchase in the first place and your property value increased well over 6%.
You sure know a lot about buying/selling houses for a homeless guy
Perhaps I’m using the term “house” loosely, but unbeknownst to you these principles extend to plots in the homeless encampments. Only difference: everything is paid for in hooch, MD20/20, or heroin.
It really doesn’t matter who physically pays the commission. If you’re selling your house and I tell you I’d like to buy it and I don’t have a realtor – Would you be willing to drop your price 3% or close to it that would have come off the top if I had an agent. You bet your ass you would. Also – buying something that needs to appreciate 6% to not walk away with a loss (not to mention the opportunity cost of what you could have invested your down payment in) sounds like a pretty shitty investment – all thanks to realtors. Housewives do that shit for a reason and it’s a profession that needs to die.
It’s a pain in the ass to buy or sell a house. You’re going to prepare the hundred or so pages of paperwork for closing, financing, and insurance, get and schedule inspections, take off work to be at the house during the day for the inspections, etc., etc.? I think not. All I had to do was say, “that one looks good” print off a few W2’s, verify account balances, send a wire, and sign some stuff. Selling was just as easy with a realtor, even more paperwork there (disclosures) you’d have to prepare if you did it yourself, plus I didn’t have to show the house or even meet who was buying it.
Now, of course, if I was buying a $800,000 mansion they’d be doing no more work than for the places I’ve had, but that’s why you can negotiate their commission.
“I’m not happy at my current job/career choice, so I’m going to piss on these other professions, because I view them as inferior to my job.” -WastedJD
I feel like career is being used loosely here.
11) Tow truck driver.
One of my brothers from college is a bartender at a club in Miami. He pulls in like 70k a year, which is a lot more than I’m making. Bartending is pretty awesome if you work at the right place.
Yes, but it gives you “golden handcuffs” in terms of job security.
I know a lot of people who continued bartending for a few years after college. They were doing so because they were making pretty good post-grad money. The thing is, after a few years they got sick of it, but couldn’t (or didn’t want) to leave because they were making $70-100K a year, and the only jobs they had the resume for were entry level.
The money can be too good to leave, but you’ve built nothing for your resume–and you don’t want to take a salary cut just to be entry level again. It’s a slippery slope.
All good points, which is why I work in an office and not at a bar. He’s hoping this will turn into a management position in the next few years, and maybe someday even open up his own bar. So he’s really just hoping for that big promotion like the rest of us. PGP.
$70k in Miami barely keeps you out of homeless shelters
Miami is expensive, but you’re vastly over exaggerating. You can get a great apartment in Miami for like 2 grand a month.
I believe it. But that’s still not a career. Is he still going to be still bartending in Miami when he’s 40?
Nobody hopes to see “that” guy making their drink.