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Now, before we dive in, I just want to say: I do not (necessarily) condone this, I do not support this, and I don’t think it’s a good idea. That said, as someone who has gotten back with exes time and time again, I get it. You know their personalities, you know their quirks, and you know that they know the go-to moves that can get you off during the span of a commercial break.
So, if you decide to drunk text your former flame in the hopes of living happily ever after, here’s how to do it to avoid the same fights, faults, and yet another dramatic breakup. Hopefully. Maybe.
Move The Fuck On
The only way to get back together on good terms is to fully break it off first. This doesn’t mean you hate-fuck other people while stalking their social media and drunkenly texting them everytime you have one vodka soda. This means you actually move on. You block their Instagram. You delete them on Facebook. You stop hanging out with their friends, going to the places you know they hit up, and get them out of your mind. You both have to fully be over the other if you have any hope of actually getting back together. Weird, right?
Get On The Same Page
Once you decide to throw all of your hard work of getting over said person away, you need to get on the same page about what’s going on. Naturally, this will probably slowly evolve. It’ll start with the post-going out sex, then move into actually getting drunk together. From there, you’ll hang out casually as friends more before you realize that, shit, you’re actually kind of dating again. Make sure every step of the way you’re both in agreement of what’s happening, otherwise things are going to go south real fast, and not in a like, fun, sexual way.
What’s Different
If you both come back into this situation the same, it’s just going to combust yet again. While there is a reason you broke up in the first place, that doesn’t have to be your downfall the second time around. Was he an immature dick who didn’t have a job and lived with his mom? Was she an emotionally needy Dementor, sucking your soul for every bit of happiness? Unless you’ve both done some changing, nothing will change the second time around, except the fact that you’ll be wearing your friends and families’ bits of patience real thin.
Timing Timing Timing
If you were great together but the timing was off, things aren’t going to be better the second time around if the timing isn’t different. Whether you were long distance, undecided about your futures, or just immature idiots, unless that factor has changed, your new relationship will be the same. I want to say at least six months or so needs to go by without any contact, but really? A year would be better. You’ve gotten closer to your goals, changed your goals, or given up on your goals completely, and you’re both just a little more desperate. Together, that makes for a truly winning combination.
Leave Your Shit Behind
You know, all of that dirty, messy history that broke you the first time. If you decide to get back together, you have to totally move on together. That means, sure, you remember that she hooked up with your pledge brother the night you guys broke up, or that he texted his ex the whole time you were together. But, if you decide to give it the ole college try, well, again, you’ve got to leave all that stuff in the past. Yeah, it happened. But people are young and dumb and do stupid shit. If you’ve both grown up, moved on, and done some changing, then don’t bring up the fact that they were once a 19-year-old asshole every chance you get.
No Discussion Of The “In-Between”
The Bermuda Triangle of all relationships is anytime when you were sexually active but not together. What makes it even more perilous is if you were together, broke up for a period of time, then gave it a second try. Whatever went down in the time between the goodbye and hello is sureeee to cause hurt feelings, bruised egos, and lots of hate-stalking. Unless you hooked up with someone in your friend circle (yikes. But also, they probably already know about it), then it’s best to just leave it alone. They don’t need to know that you fucked a whole sorority or that you got a beej from your ex. Keep everything on an absolute need-to-know basis and hope to God she never finds out all of the naughty shit you did.
3rd Strike, You’re Out
While I think getting back together with an ex can be totally life-ruining, I do realize that sometimes it works out. You both grew up and changed and got uglier and more desperate and alas, after kissing a few frogs and fucking a few toads, you realize that you were perfect together. Still, there’s a difference between breaking up once, learning from your mistakes, and coming back together stronger, and breaking up and making up so many times that your friends stop congratulating you and just ignore your entire relationship. You know what they say: Get back together once, shame on the world for not giving your love a chance. Get back together twice, shame on you for being absolutely insufferable and not realizing that someone who draws “babe” out to like, 4 syllables, is to be avoided at all costs.
Besides, if all else fails, at least you have a second chance at winning the breakup. And at the end of it all, isn’t that what truly matters?.
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Rule 1:
Don’t
Speaking from experience this will only end poorly
I’d extend that to “don’t even think about it”
You’re right, it never ends well.
Getting back with an ex is like a dog eating its own vomit.
The only reason that I can think of to get back with your ex is it were an amicable break up due to life circumstances (ex – she got a new job in another city and you didn’t want to uproot your life and
move, but 5 years later you wind up in the same city again).
Otherwise, don’t do it. The underlying message of a break up is that one of you thinks that he or she can do better than you and if you get back together then it’s an admission that he or she can’t. Which is fucked up.
The life reason breaks up are the worst. Not in terms of the actual act of breaking up, those are usually smooth. But the years after, you always wonder what could have been, since you didn’t break up because either one was feed up, it lingers man.
I’m finding I’m running into this situation right now and we’ve tried to have the “don’t holdout for me in the future” convo. It’s becoming more and more difficult as the inevitable nears.
Life circumstances, i.e., wanting to plow/get plowed by someone else
Name checks out.
I was told once that getting back with your ex is like reheating McDonald’s in the microwave. Can’t seem to get that thought out of my head. Exes are exes for good reason.
Can’t stop thinking about how wrong it would be to microwave McDonald’s.
Gross. This is so true.
just don’t
Looking at all the unintentionally redundant comments here, I think this is a great opportunity to consider a constantly-updating comments section.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we’re still waiting for an edit button and mousepads to be shipped out
Speaking from personal experience, I really think it depends on the reason you broke up. I used to always say “exes are exes for a reason” but when factors outside of your relationship get in the way (ie insane family), you sometimes need to break up to realize how much you truly want each other in your lives.
I also know I’m the exception in this situation and not the rule, but every relationship is different.
This article hits way to close to home for a Friday. Starting to get over an amicable breakup with my ex gf. It just came down to bad timing. Maybe when we’re both in a better place it’ll work out. Until then I’m not putting my life on hold.
The best thing you can do is to continue your life – no matter if you get back together or not. It sucks to get back out there, but if you’re meant to be, you’ll get back together.
Live everyone else said, I wouldn’t.
Dave dropping truth bombs.
Has this ever actually worked?