======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
If you haven’t farted during sex, you haven’t lived.
You’re doing your thing–licking, sucking, fondling his balls while taking him all the way down to your tonsils. Then, suddenly, without warning, he starts grinding his hips. Okay, cool, he’s into it. You continue to orally assault his manhood while his breathing deepens. He puts his hand on the back of your head and pushes himself down your throat to a place only your doctor has gone when he makes you say “ahhh” for a strep test. You play it cool and continue snaking your head up and down, resisting his heavy hand on your skull. Out of nowhere, he places his other hand around your chin, holding your head in place while he rams himself down your throat. “Oh my God,” you think. “Is he throat fucking me? I’ve only seen this is porn. Yep, he’s definitely throat fucking me.” *gags hard*
You do your best to take it like a pro, channeling your inner Sasha Grey, but it’s nearly impossible not to dry heave every time he connects with your throat. Your stomach is full of beer, late night burrito, and Fireball, all of which is not sitting well. Just as you’re about to call it off and get down to some good, old-fashioned boning, he gives it one last thrust and slams it so far down you think he might have punctured a lung. Cue your gag reflex, and “BLLLLLAAAARFFFF.” You puke on his dick. If he’s able to simultaneously finish, maybe he could overlook the fact that there’s rice and bile on his penis. But probably not.
Anal. I don’t even know where to start with the issues that can arise when inserting objects into a place where human waste exits. The fascination with anal sex is not lost on me. Every single day, I wonder why the FUCK any man would want to stick his dick in a place where diarrhea comes from when there is a perfectly good vagina just next door. But hey, to each his own hole, I guess. When I ask guys why they’re so into anal, I usually hear the same thing: “It’s tighter.” Oh, is it? The fact that the sphincter is always super busy pinching off turds might be why it’s such a strong, firm area. But alright, I understand your need to enter any and every hole you can find.
The problem with anal, though, is basically everything. The fact that it’s your anus. The fact that it’s where messy Chipotle poops come from. The fact that even as a tax paying, responsible adult, you still don’t have complete control over when you may get a case of the bubble guts and blow out your o-ring. That shit happens abruptly and without warning. If you’re prepared to put your dick in someone’s butt, you better be prepared for what might come out with it. Butt stuff is a high risk, high reward game.
What happens if you get back there and she hasn’t gotten her affairs (read: ass hairs) in order? You spread her cheeks and you’re face to face with a rusty balloon-tie between her tukus. Non-bleached asshole? Count me out. What if it’s a non waxed asshole? Do you really want to shove your willy into something that resembles the clogged drain in your college bathtub? Abort.
If you’ve ever done it doggy style, you may have encountered the point during sex in this position where things go from “doing it doggy” to “fucking the shit out of her.” You start out slowly and concisely, but you need more. Your carnal instincts take over and all you want to do is plow her like this is the last vagina you will ever have the chance to be inside. You slide out fully, preparing to slam yourself back inside with all the energy you have left–but something goes wrong. Your aim is off. You shot for the vag, but the guy downstairs had a plan of his own and inched up, slamming at mach speed into her asshole. Nine out of 10 chicks will scream bloody fucking murder, leap 10 feet in the opposite direction, and curl into a ball for the next five minutes, moaning in agony. Once she gets over the devastation that her anal cavity was nearly robbed of its innocence, even on accident, she’ll maybe let you get back down to business. Just know it’s all missionary from here on out.
This might be the most mortifying thing for a woman. You’re engaged in hot, passionate sex, presumably in a position with your legs spread wide. You finish on your back and move to swap spots with your partner when a deep, wet, menacing sound escapes from your insides.
Your eyes go wide, you freeze, scared to death that if you make a move, another puff of pussy air will emerge from your lips. So. Traumatic.
Guys, go easy on your girl if she queefs. She can’t help it, and technically, it’s partially your fault. Be a gentleman, pretend nothing happened, and carry on. However, if she queefs in your face during 69, you have every right to get your shit and leave. That’s messed up.
“You like the way I feel, baby?”
“You want more?”
“I want more.”
“Oh, Greg, give me more!”
“WHO THE FUCK IS GREG?”
“My name is Marcus.”
Well, that’s awkward.
There is always room for fun when it comes to the bedroom. Keeping the kink in a relationship is good, but when you’re casually hooking up with someone, it’s a bit unnerving when he or she springs dark, sexual tendencies on you. When people meet for a hookup, they drink for a few hours then go home together. It’s implied that only normal sexual interactions will be had–a little kissing, some heavy petting, maybe reciprocal oral. You know, the usual.
It’s when that one random person brings out anal beads, lube, and nipple clamps that things can get a little weird. Stranglebating to “Twilight: New Moon” isn’t normal. Getting a finger in your ass isn’t normal. Wait, or is it? I don’t know. This column has me so sexually confused. Getting a full blown rim job from a stranger IS NOT NORMAL. When these things happen, you have to choose: fight or flight? By fight, I mean fight the urge to finish during aforementioned rim job, because you’re a twisted fuck who never knew you were into getting your salad tossed.